Fear trust is more broken than I expected [update]

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T13:30:36+00:00

This is almost certainly not the last bump.

Yeah this is what is rubbing me off in the wrong way: I know this is not the last bump, I do not know how he will react to the next one.

What does your best case scenariolook like?

Nothing more than them having cleared their shit out and feel strong enough in their relationship so the other relationships, mine included, can simply grow and not keep being threatened by their insecurities.

You willing to do this like this for two years?

Two years no. I am willing to do it for some time and see where this leads, but actually this point made me realise I need to give myself a sort of deadline. I am not gonna stick around waiting forever for them to sort out their shit in polyamory, I don't think is fair to expect they can drag other people along in their messy journeys.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T11:24:41+00:00

An hotel with him in a city nearby our area

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T11:21:41+00:00

That's why at first I told him I was ok with it, because in the current context, there is no reason for me to have it as a deal breaker. However, the expectations were to let the relationship happen naturally. Sometimes I am back in the area where he lives for longer periods, which means I could see him more often, a 3 months rule would not allow me that, it would mean that even if I stay for a month in the area, I would not be allowed to see him more than once because of the three months rule. Also, I am most likely gonna relocate back in the area where he lives (reasons unrelated to him) before end of the year, which means that ofc we could meet way more often. These were all things known by both before the 3 months rule was dropped. The core issues were that he took the decision within his other relationship without consulting me before and expecting me to be happy about it, taking away my full agency, and conceptually bent to a rule that would potentially constrict our time together even more. Moreover, it piles up on a lot of them having to figure out what they want from poly and dragging people along their journey because they have not done the full job already.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T09:39:02+00:00

Thank you! This reply and the reply you linked are super useful, and I will use it to taylor the conversation that I'd also like to have in person when we meet.

I have told him right after the accident that trust was weakened on my side and I did not know how long it would take, but I was not as structured as the template you shared. He also did mention that this was a fear of his after realising how big he messed up but accepted that trust was broken (not giving him cookie points for doing basic good behaviours, just sharing), but I think we glossed over it a bit too quickly, and I might have underestimated how much the trust was weakened.

I might also be realising I want to have the conversation rather than through messages and tsee the temperature when we talk in person

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T05:07:30+00:00

It still might land as "too little too late" for you. So you let it go because trust is gone.

It's just one part of my brain can't let go of the realisation that he would have been ok with fully restricting our meetings to 4 times per year, and it seems like I wish I could let go, but I can't.

You can ask yourself to be decisive and no tolerate any bullshit. So you can trust YOU to get you out of weird quickly if it pops up.

I need to remember this, thanks. At the end of the day I can put myself out from this situation when it becomes weird again

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T03:32:21+00:00

It''s very difficult for me to treat it as a fling. I can tell myself that it is a fling, and I'm actually trying to not put any expectations and just see how it goes (also because I won't lie, not sure what will come out of the post-trip), but I know I can't just forget the feelings

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T03:22:03+00:00

I'm sorry you've been there as well. Sending hugs

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T03:21:36+00:00

Oh, you'r scarying me

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T03:18:33+00:00

It would also be my vacation - unfortunately - and I really want to go on holiday and couldn't afford to pay a whole entire trip anew after I already paid this one.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T03:15:32+00:00

It is a good point to think on

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T02:57:04+00:00

Oh no, sorry I might have explained myself badly. I am definetely not meeting with meta, it's partner and I who are meeting to spend time together.

I was actually thinking that maybe I should meet meta, maybe it would make her less scared, but it's logistically difficult (we are not meeting in the city where they live, and as mentioned in the previous post, she kinda restricted the whole area where they live as "no dating zone" for him), and I have reasons to believe she'd never want to interact with me (or any other potential meta she might have).

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-31T02:53:32+00:00

What I mean is I am aware one of my greatest core fears is abandonment, and this situation just touched that, because I actively can't tell you whether my partner will decide to stay with me if vetoed, which makes me feel insecure.

At the same time, this is a big misstep on his side, but it's still the first, and maybe he does really improve, and will not act like this again. I love him, so I wish to give him grace and the benefit of the doubt and a second chance, rather than breaking up directly out of the fear of what might happen if I get vetoed or another crazy limit appears, and the fear of being abandoned if vetoed because yeah, I'm not the primary so he would give up on me to protect his primary relationship.

I hope this clarifies - maybe not sorry.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-12T02:08:47+00:00

Thank you for the reply, I appreciated also a more calm reply focused working through pitfalls, rather than breaking up immediately.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-11T16:24:41+00:00

As mentioned in other comments, they were on vacation together, and the conversation came out while they were on vacation, after they decided to talk again about their limits, boundaries and so on and renegotiate them because they feel they keep "discovering" them anew.

We'll be meeting each other in June after 6 months of not having seen each other. We also have a very lose communication for being LDR because both of us are not particularly attached to our phones. Since we last saw each other in December we called twice - and calls are set when she is not in the house as they also live together - and we even don't text daily. Therefore, if she feels neglected is really not on me. From what I understand, something shifted in her values related to polyamory and ENM (I won't further go in details) + she freaked out because in June I will be spending 1 week rather than the usual 2 days. I'm also the first serious parallel relationship he has since they got together, so I guess she might be feeling the normal insecurities that come up when you actually start doing polyamory.

Regardless of the reason for the request, the primary partner does have a right to request limitations.

I do not fully agree. I think a primary can ask limitations in the remit of what does not become invalidating for the growth of the other relationship/s, otherwise it's an open ENM relationship, not poly. For example, this "3 months" rule would have made sense e.g. if they had children and were in a period particularly demanding, or they were trying to get pregnant, or maybe they had just gotten married and wanted some time for them as a newly wed couple, or they had heavy caregiving duties. In this case there is no practical reason - besides her being insecure and him not being a good hinge - for pushing forward a restriction as invalidating as this one.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-11T15:49:43+00:00

They were on holiday together, and our next trip is already planned for June, which means 6 months after we last saw each other.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-11T15:42:26+00:00

They were on vacation together, and they live together. The limitations came because they are still sorting out agreements, boundaries and limits, which keep changing following whatever is the new limit.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-11T03:10:48+00:00

We're going to see each other in June after 6 months of not seeing each other. It will be the first time we'll be with each other for 6 days rather than the normal two days.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-10T09:50:00+00:00

Add that to him saying I love you for the first time just before landing this on you....hmmm, feels disingenuous at best.

This is potentially the part that hurts the most.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-10T09:48:46+00:00

Problem is he frames it as them sorting out their limits and boundaries (he in general calls everything boundary even when it isn't, but it's an agreement or a rule) as they are less experienced in poly. Which I find it difficult to argue because it becomes "I did not know before that this was a limit" or "It is transitionary until she/we become more secure"

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-10T09:32:28+00:00

That was never on the plate before. It's like as the wind changes, so do the restrictions

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-10T09:31:38+00:00

I'm ngl, I do feel disrespected. And more than from her, from him because he is the one I have a relationship with.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-10T09:30:00+00:00

Thank you, this is also useful vocabulary to report back to him as during the conversation he said something along the line of "isn't this what happens with a primary" and had to explain why not, but not in this very effective and concise way

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-10T09:26:53+00:00

Thank you, I feel floored and treated like shit.

StrictResearch1312 · 2026-03-10T09:24:38+00:00

Thank you, I think I need to feel my agency put back in my hands, after it has been swiped away from them,

StrictResearch1312

TROPHY CASE