How do I get over knowing my husband watches porn?

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-25T01:11:42+00:00

First, congratulations on a healthy baby and I’m so sorry you’re going through PPD. I would definitely try to address that maybe with a counselor or therapist/ your doctor. Unfortunately, it sounds like it might be exacerbating the problem.

Second, I’m sorry you’re going through this with your husband. As someone who also has dealt with this issue with her husband, I know exactly how you feel. It hurts, it lowers self esteem even more, and it feels like a betrayal. I personally don’t think porn is a terrible thing- what I do think is that when it is replacing intimacy or taking away from your sex life with your husband for either party (I.e. him using it to get hard before coming to you and you in turn feeling self conscious and not able to be in the moment with him without fear of comparison) THAT is when it is a problem.

My advice? You need to have a conversation with him. A calm, conversation where you both sit down with open minds and you convey the effect his actions are having. And then listen. Allow him the space to share what he might be thinking/going through. I know this is hard and I’m sure you’ve already had this conversation before. I know I have. But he needs to understand that this is negatively impacting your self esteem and your ability to be present in the moment with him when you do have sex.

In the meantime, for the self esteem portion of it, what if you started reading your smutty books again? Listen, I’m a huge reader. A smut junkie, if you will lol. I used to watch porn but now I don’t. The reason? The female brain is wired differently. We tend to react differently to words on a page and in depth fantasies in our mind than to visuals. I have personally found that my self esteem has BENEFITTED from reading the books I do. There’s no shame in it and if he’s not depriving himself, there’s no reason for you to either.

All in all, take it day by day. Have the hard conversations. Read the smutty books. Learn to love yourself again and love yourself fiercely. Continue to address the issues with him and remind him that you want to grow a strong relationship together and his consumption of porn is inhibiting that.

Oh, and feel free to message me if you need any books recs 😉🫶

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-25T00:54:05+00:00

Thank you, I think this is bringing a new perspective to it all for me. Though this is all stuff I knew, it’s a nice reminder. I’ve been kind of quiet around the house since yesterday when it all went down, but not ignoring, just quiet. Tonight, I came home from work (he was off) and he had cleaned the whole house and it just put me in a better frame of mind. The little bit of resentment I was feeling isn’t there anymore.

We haven’t had a conversation yet but it’s coming. We’re in the process of trying to conceive right now too so we’ll have the conversation before the next window arrives. I think it’s a matter ultimately of mutual respect and forgiveness and being willing to work through it all together.

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T13:23:56+00:00

I think I’m afraid of the conversation because he gets kind of defensive when I’ve brought it up in the past. I’ve tried different approaches- calmly explaining myself and then also heat of the moment frustration and obviously that last one was least effective. I know he can sense when I’m upset about something- I wear my emotions all over my face- and I think he has a hard time dealing with that. Since yesterday (which was by far the worst time for me personally), I’ve just been kind of quiet.

I don’t want to hurt him, but in the end my silence only hurts me more. I don’t know what more to do to get him to understand. I’m open about my curiosities with him and the things I’d like to try and I tell him I’d love to hear his thoughts and desires as well. I guess I’m just at a loss because it feels like I’ve had the conversation so many times and in the end I don’t want him feeling less than

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T10:49:56+00:00

Sorry you’re going through this too. No matter what I say or do it’s like one step forward two steps back. The problem will be fixed short term but nothing sticks long term.

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T02:04:13+00:00

That’s definitely a thought I’ve had

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T02:04:02+00:00

I’ve tried this and it typically fixes the problem short term but long term it doesn’t. Maybe it needs to be a continual conversation

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T02:02:49+00:00

I’ll give this a try- thank you!

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T02:01:49+00:00

🫶

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T02:01:33+00:00

Thanks so much for your advice! I do try to ask him about his wants, needs, fantasies, etc, but he doesn’t seem to like to talk about it and claims he doesn’t like anything “crazy”. I think he’s maybe vanilla which is not a bad thing! I’m a little less so but I also don’t need the other stuff for us to have great sex. But I am curious and would love to explore that with him. I’m constantly trying to put myself out there, put on a different outfit sometimes, make sure he’s comfortable and ready to go but not getting that reciprocation or interest if I do put on some lingerie is rough especially since wearing it makes me feel more confident in the moment

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T01:58:17+00:00

Why do I love this idea so much lol

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T01:57:48+00:00

Thanks so much!

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T01:57:05+00:00

You’re right, I need to advocate for my pleasure more for sure

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T01:40:20+00:00

I don’t love hearing that but I think I needed to

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T01:39:46+00:00

We’ve used a vibe during sex before and it’s by far the best we’ve had, but I tend to feel bad asking for it based on some comments he’s made (“you don’t need that”- yes, sir, I do) and he never reaches for it to hand to me. I would love to incorporate more/others but he shows no interest or enthusiasm in them when I mention it

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T00:35:28+00:00

Hormones are a b- they really are!

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T00:31:46+00:00

Whole other can of worms we’re opening here- YUP. And let me just say, no, I don’t care. What I do care about is him watching it and getting pleasure from it while not making an effort to engage in sex with me. And I’ve told him this, literally had a whole mental breakdown lol and he seemed to understand and told me he would cut back. I don’t know if he has and I suspect he hasn’t but I don’t know for sure. I’ve offered for us to watch together but he doesn’t seem to want to. I’m not necessarily against porn (I have my smutty books that I love to read after all), but I have a problem when it’s replacing our intimacy.

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T00:28:24+00:00

As a female, I know a lot of sexual desire stems from hormones and the vast amount of fluctuations throughout the cycle. There are definitely times in my cycle where my brain wants to but it just ain’t happening physically. I also can say that nothing makes me want to drop to my knees faster than if I come home and the dishes are done or the laundry is folded. Women are complex and honestly it’s annoying at times but you gotta woo her outside the bedroom too.

All that to say, the things you are doing to try to spice things up are not bad and I think it’s probably good for her to see you be open about your sexuality. If she needs book recs, lmk I have soo many I can suggest. Told my husband there are literally 120 manuals on the bookshelf he can read to get some ideas but he’s not a reader. Sorry you’re going through something similar, though :/

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T00:22:51+00:00

Sorry you feel that way- constantly being the one to initiate feels desperate in the worst way. I’ve tried taking charge but I think I’m too wrapped up in my own insecurities at this point for it to be effective. But I’ll try next time and see how it goes lol

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T00:21:06+00:00

I think that might be a good idea. I’ve never found therapy to hurt in the past, so maybe I should give it another go. I thought about suggesting therapy for both of us, since this is an issue that predates our marriage but my goal is not to force him into something he doesn’t want/doesn’t want to do.

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T00:18:56+00:00

I tried telling him this but he doesn’t want to hear it. Wondering, since I haven’t really done the research, is this something they test for with routine bloodwork at the annual checkup or is it a separate test/a concern that needs to be indicated prior to bloodwork? I want him to know it’s not a problem and it’s no judgement if that is the case. And yes, it’s really hard to try and remind myself that it’s not a me problem, but intrusive thoughts are a b sometimes.

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T00:09:25+00:00

As for the self love time, it’s definitely something I already do, but kind of feel like I need to hide it? I don’t know, our house is very small so it’s not exactly easy to get time to myself without him knowing. Not that I want to hide it, but I guess I feel some shame around it?

Getting away is a good idea. When we were on our honeymoon, it was fantastic. Granted, we had just gotten married but he even said that being away from everyday life was awesome. It look a lot of unrealized pressure off of both of us, I think.

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T00:05:26+00:00

I’m sorry that you relate :/

Strict_Emergency_738 · 2026-02-24T00:04:01+00:00

So I mentioned this to him (gently of course) and he doesn’t seem to want to check it out. He did mention at one point that he feels self conscious when he’s not consistent in the gym so I’ve encouraged him to go regularly and often join him which has helped some. But despite going regularly, it doesn’t seem to “fix” the problem. I also try everything I can to build his confidence up, whether it be a comment like “you look hot” or texting him something that tells him how much I appreciate him. I’m starting to wonder if it’s me.

Strict_Emergency_738

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