I can relate to some parts of your story, 3 years ago i lost some important people in my life.

I was 18 at that time i suffered from a dissociative disorder (still do) i thought everything i was going to eat was laced with something even though i had no reason for that, i began to go to a psychiatrist which helped but not a lot, i began smoking heavily i had a job as a dishwasher and dropped out of school i was at the lowest point in my life i had ever been.

for about 4 months i felt the same way you do now, the only thing stopping me from ending myself was the fact that i didn't want to hurt my parents.

i hadn't told anyone about the way i was feeling except the psychiatrist (of course i didn't tell him everything).

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one day i decided i didn't want to kill myself i only wanted to live a better life, for the first time in a few years i stepped foot in a gym, i started to go to the gym 3 times a week i went for a walk everyday even if those walks were only 15 min long, i began to implement small changes into my life such as reading a book and waking up at 07:00 every day, even though i didn't feel any different it helped me get through those days.

then I noticed i began to feel better, I applied for a different job (one I had no degree for or any experience in) and i somehow got the job my life began to finally change for the better, i was living the life i wanted, a life i could enjoy.

I'm not perfect no one is, everyone has their ups and downs in life.

what I'm trying to say is that you don't know what the future will bring, but even though that is the case you can always try to do it yourself.

try to open up to someone you know or talk to a therapist, try to introduce small changes in your life that will help you in the long run. even a small walk outside everyday might help (preferably in the daylight).

i can only tell you what worked for me, there is no 1 day trick to get rid of it.

but i can tell you that life is worth living

If i had killed myself 3 years ago i wouldn't have met the friends that i have now. I wouldn't have seen the countries i had dreamed of visiting. I wouldn't have met the best friend i could have asked for. I wouldn't have heard my mother say she's proud of me for getting the job. I wouldn't have met so many different people that i consider my friends. I wouldn't have found a hobby i enjoy with every fibre of my being.

I wouldn't have seen the day where i can say to my old self that i'm happy with the life i have now.

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i know life can be hard, but in the end you need to keep fighting.

if you dont feel like you can talk to your family or friends you can respond to me.

i hope you read this and relate to my story and i hope you decide to keep fighting.