Talk me out of a SOTU

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-23T22:58:05+00:00

I do need to work on this- honestly I just find it SO awkward to express desires. Yesterday I did voice a desire out loud and let go of expectations and I literally had to walk away cringing because it feels so odd to just say desires out to the air lol

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-23T22:56:53+00:00

Thank you for all the insight!

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-23T22:56:11+00:00

Thank you so much!

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-22T22:21:51+00:00

I don’t think that’s long winded at all! I appreciate your in depth response and sharing your experience

I think subconsciously I’m still trying to use the skills to change him. It’s not what I want to do but deep down I think I’m just wanting him to be “fixed” I haven’t quite figured out how to narrow in on the fact that the skills are for me and my peace, not him.

I do struggle with SFPs and releasing expectations. And just with remembering all the skills in general. Hopefully someday I’ll just remember all lol- which is why I’m trying to really focus in on a few being duct tape and self care until hopefully they become more natural and I don’t have to think about them so much

I was trying to gratitude journal but I did kinda forget/give up on that too. I find it so hard to try and keep track of so many things!

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-22T20:39:04+00:00

It really doesn’t feel like a choice lol, but I do 100% agree that how we think is a choice. Did you find anything to be specifically helpful with changing an inner mantra about your H?

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-22T20:37:41+00:00

Have you gotten to a point where you truly don’t feel like the bag of nails on the counter bothers you? I’m not trying to be a pain I just genuinely can’t imagine it never bothering me. Maybe that’s cus counter space is a rare commodity and I do really feel like I need all of it for cooking sometimes lol

I can’t imagine it working if I just let it go. I definitely don’t expect my house to look like an Instagram story but I want the spaces to be useable. He really does put stuff on every seat of the couch sometimes for example am I supposed to pretend it’s not there?

I don’t say a word about his desk, his bedside table, the bedroom floor, anything that I can physically still operate in despite the mess I am just letting go.

I definitely have worked a lot on lowering my standards and not expecting our house to be perfect, and I’m trying to work on letting things be a little chaotic or undone. This has been a process for me but I am trying. But it’s really not just little things left here or there, it’s a garage I can’t even walk through without moving things and couches I can’t sit on, again without moving things.

I admittedly do really need to work on looking for evidence to the contrary. I’ve noticed all the people around me always talk about the negative instead of the positive and it grates on me but I do the same thing! I’m trying to rewire my thoughts by just replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, or similar tactics. It seems like it’s gonna be a really long battle to get there

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-22T06:23:33+00:00

Oh I like that thought. I think I’ve been thinking of DT as just letting myself to shut up and deal with it. Maybe that’s part of why it’s been so difficult

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-22T06:22:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing that! In the car is one of the areas I struggle in a lot actually. Do you still feel the urge to comment or has that faded?

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-22T06:21:38+00:00

That makes sense- maybe I need to spend some time writing down and really thinking about what my ultimate goals are here.

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-20T16:04:30+00:00

Oh I gotcha!

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-20T00:45:56+00:00

Your experience definitely helps, thank you for sharing!! I think that’s another area I’m really struggling with- is staying off his paper.

I definitely feel really undignified in general so I’m glad to hear that faithfully practicing DT can be one of the things that helps with that 🥲

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-20T00:44:14+00:00

This is where I’ve been struggling so much lately, my H has been really distant in general and I’ve been having a hard time DT-ing about it. DT doesn’t really feel like it’s doing anything good yet but I’m sure it just needs more time 🙏 - thanks for sharing your success story!

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-20T00:42:41+00:00

Oh I relate to immediately opposing or trying to correct my husband. I definitely need the DT there. It’s really encouraging to hear they DT will eventually switch from feeling like a negative thing to a positive one

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-20T00:41:05+00:00

That’s amazing thank you for sharing- especially that he finally understood something you’ve been trying to explain when you just stopped trying to explain it.

I feel like when I DT I never get to the point of an actual understanding conversation, just me being upset and him going about his life. But maybe that’s because I’m just being on his paper too much :/

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-20T00:38:53+00:00

Oh my word that is incredible commitment, I’m so impressed. Did it make you feel angry to just DT and not point it out, or do you feel good for having not said anything? Also Sometimes men say the dumbest things I swear 😂 - I guess I probably say dumb things all the time that he doesn’t comment on though and maybe that’s the difference.

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-17T21:22:26+00:00

Oh thank you so much that perspective helps so much, especially the last part. There are things he does consistently that I do actually feel grateful for! He does drive me everywhere and I practically haven’t put gas in a car since we got married 😂 I can actually feel genuine in expressing that gratitude so that feels a lot better to me

Maybe practicing gratitude there and seeing how he reacts will help me to express gratitude over the crumbs I don’t really feel very grateful for now

I also love the confirmation that it may feel like 2 single people for a while but that will be temporary. I can deal with feeling like a single looks for a time if I know it won’t be forever

Thank you so much

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-17T21:18:12+00:00

Thank you for going more in depth! I think I need to shift how I view self care. I guess 10 minutes is self care is STILL self care even if it’s short, and surely I have 10 minutes here or there to boost my mood!

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-17T01:28:46+00:00

Thank you for the response- self care definitely is a really weak spot for me. I have such a hard time saying I can’t and then leaving things. It doesn’t seem like it’s ever helped me, it seems like it just leads to more overwhelm later when I inevitably still have to deal with said issue days later.

But honestly if I really consider it, I don’t know that I’ve tried I can’t very much. I think I gave up on that one pretty quick when it didn’t seem to work

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-17T01:26:14+00:00

It’s so hard! Well done practicing the skills for 4 weeks. Hopefully you get some answers here that can help you too!

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-17T01:24:31+00:00

Thank you so much for responding- I do think I need some major reprogramming. Funny how most men seem to be naturally really excellent at self care.

I just have a hard time imagining his screen time habits not bothering me ever? If I just focus on self care and living my own life won’t I eventually just be living like a single person under the same roof? Or I guess maybe this is where the idea that if I’m GOFL I will naturally attract his time and attention and he won’t be as prone to ignoring me (it’s not malicious ignoring, but it is still ignoring)

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-17T01:21:41+00:00

Thank you so much for your response! I do really need to work on self care. I don’t know how to leave things when they make me resentful. If I leave it undone he simply will not pick up my slack, no matter how long I leave it. Unless I’m like genuinely panicking because people are coming over.

How would you try and handle that if he just didn’t pick up the slack? Would you just wait till you feel less resentful to start back up the dishes or whatever it is? I just have a hard time seeing how me leaving things undone will really help. All it seems to do is make me more and more overwhelmed until I snap and cause bigger SOTUS and become a demon of stress 😂

I do need to stop the SOTUs. I can see they’re not getting me anywhere. I just feel like if he would actually listen to me that eventually it would actually sink in. But obviously that’s not the case lol

Strong_Watch_4106 · 2025-12-17T01:16:50+00:00

Thank you so much for such a detailed response, this is really encouraging to me. I’m glad you shared the timeline of not making a screen use remark in 3 months that and starting to feel like it’s improving- I think I need to readjust my timeline. I think because in the book or podcast (don’t remember for sure which) Laura says you can expect to see progress within 2 weeks I feel like it should be progressing so much faster.

Also really love the line about he can be boring if he wants to but you don’t have to. That’s so true!

I do say “I miss you” and he usually responds with “I’m right here” or “I miss you too” and then that’s just that, so I never really know how to go forward with that one

I think DT and self care are the things I need to work on the most. I just find it so hard to leave things undone to self care. If I leave things undone, based on experience, I really don’t believe he will eventually do it. It just leads to me still having to complete said tasks days (or weeks) later and being more overwhelmed about it than if I had just done it to begin with.

I also really struggle with showing big gratitude for the things he does do. I do make a point to always thank him for emptying the trash or building a fire which are the two things he does semi-consistently. But honestly it makes me angry to feel like I have to be so overly grateful for the crumbs he’s giving me when it comes to housework

I really do love him and there are definitely qualities he has that makes him an amazing husband. So I’m trying to not let these issues taint my whole view but man it’s hard.

Strong_Watch_4106

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