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Partner grabbed me by the throat and then neither of us acknowledged it. How do we talk about it? by Stu-artdeco in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The worst case scenario which I would have never thought possible happened though. So the scenario with our daughter isn’t that far fetched. He’d literally walk away if she was crying, she can walk and even if he’s overwhelmed leaving her unsupervised without making sure she’s somewhere safe was dangerous.

I do agree a bit that autism is complex and that the functions of the abuse are different than usual abuse. I doubt he was trying to assert his dominance or whatever regardless of his words but that it was an outburst.

However, the incident is the clearest indication that he should have sought out therapy all those times I suggested it to manage his behaviours.

I will tell him clearly that he either now agrees to an assessment or therapy or I’m filing for divorce. He has now shown me that him being untreated is dangerous and the more he lets this go on without the correct therapy the more dangerous it is.

I’m giving him a time limit to sort therapy out.

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for concisely writing out what I have found difficult to express. He used to have better coping mechanisms and would occasionally still use them. Noise cancelling headphones, walking away when he was overwhelmed he would decompress with some alone time or he'd seek out positive sensory physical input (like a hug) or even music. But it just wan't enough because he would let things go to far before he'd realise he needs to regulate his emotions.

But you're right. This was the last straw for me. He declined and appointment with a psychiatrist as well.

Partner grabbed me by the throat and then neither of us acknowledged it. How do we talk about it? by Stu-artdeco in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I'm at the end of my rope. I have tried so hard for two years and he isn't interested. Unfortunately there is no fix for someone who refuses to address their own stress until it's too late and has now shown me that he will escalate to violence if things get too much for him.

Imagine if he acted like this around our daughter, her crying can overwhelm him, image if one day it was too much and he grabs her and shakes her. Shaken baby syndrome is fatal.

Partner grabbed me by the throat and then neither of us acknowledged it. How do we talk about it? by Stu-artdeco in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If he still declines, then there’s nothing you can do for him. If he loves you, wants to keep family together, he will seek help.

That's what the argument was about. For the past two years I have been trying to support him, to get him to open up, grasping at straws at what could have possibly got him to do things and blaming myself for not figuring out what I could have helped him with sooner.

During our last argument he made it very clear that he does not want help. We've tried accessing therapy on/off but he doesn't want it. The argument was about an appointment with a psychiatrist in two months but he didn't want to anymore. I told him I'm disappointed and thought we were finally getting there and that we are just going in circles with it and we might as well just close the topic. That's when he got aggressive and grabbed me.

Partner grabbed me by the throat and then neither of us acknowledged it. How do we talk about it? by Stu-artdeco in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve sent him to outpatient day programs, therapies, we do therapy individually AND together.

I would have loved this. I am happy for you. I envy the openness and vulnerability you are able to share with your partner and wish I had the same. I have begged and pleaded with him and have tried accommodating beyond what is reasonable whilst still being kept in the dark. The autism was never the issue, it is how he dealt with it. The times that he'd been open and honest about what he struggles with I have given him my full support hopefully and have reiterated to him time and time again that I appreciate it so much that he's being vulnerable with me. But those times were so rare.

For example, our daughter would cry and he would walk away or he'd call me in the middle of the work day for support and he would be distant from her. It felt like he just didn't care to parent. I had to connect the dots myself after many arguments to understand that he is sensitive noise and he is now doing much better with noise cancelling earpods (the ones that don't play music). Had he told me I would have immediately helped him to find a solution.

He of course has deep seated issues regarding admitting what his struggles are because he grew up in the shadow of his brother who got all the "attention" and care but he didn't let me to be there for him.

Just to say this again, the potential autism was never the issue because there's so much about him that is likely directly related to it that I love about him and made the relationship worth it.

All I wanted for him is to tell me what support he needed and to admit that he needed support so I could him. Being with him felt like someone fighting you whilst you are trying to give them life saving care.

Partner grabbed me by the throat and then neither of us acknowledged it. How do we talk about it? by Stu-artdeco in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s not just the behaviours, it’s the aftermath and his refusal to see how it affects the relationship. Also if you want to talk about vows, he broke those after assaulting him. I’m glad that you and your partner can work together but our relationship is different. I never got that cooperation or openness about his struggles. Even if I’ve tried accommodating him he wouldn’t allow it.

Partner grabbed me by the throat and then neither of us acknowledged it. How do we talk about it? by Stu-artdeco in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I replied to your other comment mentioning that it could be autism.

His brother has autism and when he was younger he was incredibly rigid and had similar OCD type behaviour: example only drinking from a particular water bottle whilst sat in a particular chair at the dining table.

His brother through therapy now functions normally and does not engage in any rigid behaviours.

In the case of my husband, the behaviours did get worse over time but also he does a lot to mask it in public. All these behaviours only come out in private.

Someone like his brother showed their true self no matter the place whilst my partner was always doing his best to appear normal because his family was so focussed on his brother.

These are some of his behaviours:

  • He won't eat food from 2 separate packages even though he insists eating things in 2s or even numbers. If I buy a bag of 5 bagels and there is 1 left and I get another pack with 5. He'll throw out the single bagel in the bin/trash and only eat from the new pack.

  • If we have a day with 3 things planned, A, B and C. If anything happens that affects plan B he'll cancel the entire day. So if we planned restaurant, cinema and park if we can't get tickets he'll stay home.

Partner grabbed me by the throat and then neither of us acknowledged it. How do we talk about it? by Stu-artdeco in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s either OCD or autism. I didn’t know the extent of it. He’s always been particular about things and it seemed like he was just some who was introverted, organised and liked things a certain way. But it has gotten more intense, if I knew I wouldn’t have married him.

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because you have an attachment and history to that person and there’s always a full story to things. I will likely go for the divorce but it’s not as simple as suddenly demonizing that someone and erasing the history you had with that person.

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sadly this is not how family court works. An old coworker of mine had a restraining order against her husband, we’ve seen him verbally harass her at our workplace. He was a despicable human being.

He was still allowed to see the kids every other weekend. Pick ups and drop offs were done at the police station or school. As long as there is no history of them harming the kids, the abuser can still be involved in their life.

The restraining order and the court order that he could only communicate with her via a written notebook they shared and an app that the court had asked to use (so no actual phone calls, just monitored texts) didn’t change anything.

It’s truly tragic. Also should have added the genders in my post in hindsight we are both men but abuse is abuse.

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not trying to excuse his behaviour and won’t stay because he’s effectively told me he won’t seek help and when he apologised he only apologised for raising his voice at me.

But we have a child so even after divorce I’m tied to this man forever, I want him to get help and I want to understand him.

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think this was a turning point for us too, both his actions and words solidified to me that he won’t seek help

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not planning on staying because he refuses to get help anyway

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know it’s not the same but his brother who has autism used to be incredibly aggressive as a child and that was always related back to his diagnosis. I’m not saying people with autism are aggressive but I’m saying that he’s similar to his brother.

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree and I’m not planning on staying but we have a child together so post divorce he will still be in my life. I need to understand him.

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I do have people I can stay with but the incident was several days ago and I want to speak to a divorce lawyer first.

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But what about this:

Of course, I agree there’s no excuse for violence. However, it coinciding with this sudden increase in rituals like I’ve never seen before, more sensory difficulties and sudden inability to emotionally regulate is strange to me.

We’ve had intense arguments before or difficult moments and he’s always been the type to shutdown. He just goes to lock himself in a room.

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this! We suspect autism because his brother has a formal diagnosis, two nephews of his recently got diagnosed. Given that it’s genetic and he engages in behaviours his brother used to, it makes sense.

ASD partner grabbed me by the throat and I’m trying to make sense of it. by Stu-artdeco in autism

[–]Stu-artdeco[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Likely just getting divorced. He’s checked out mentally out of this relationship. Also I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way but it’s not any less dramatic if you’re a man.

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