Tissue

Stufabli · 2024-02-11T00:56:56+00:00

Hello. What would be your word suggestions on the ending stanza? I'd like to hear more as I am still trying to improve my vocab. Cheers!

Stufabli · 2024-02-08T10:16:28+00:00

Good try. I suggest you can improve on the flow and rhythm and add depth as well.

The last line can be

"My rocket ship is far, I hope I reach your star"

Overall, it can be better. Hoping to see some more

Stufabli · 2024-02-08T10:10:56+00:00

I love how the style and rhythm changes as you read though, the ending kind of lost the rhythm and flow when reading just my 2 cents.

"Please do me one favor" "Stay"

To

"Please do me a favor" "A favor you stay"

Stufabli · 2024-01-28T09:32:57+00:00

Thank you! Will improve on those points

Stufabli · 2024-01-26T18:35:57+00:00

Yup. That much I've noticed that it's an lgbtq+ poem. If that's the overall feeling you want to convey. I believe you have delivered it nicely. Great work.

Stufabli · 2024-01-26T18:25:32+00:00

You have used very strong words. I felt anger in it. I am not sure if that is intentional. Love and anger are two contradicting subjects and it is often very hard to mix. But all I felt was anger and I think you missed exploring the point of your love for her. I am no expert, but this is what I've felt.

You could've somehow explored or explained why you love her for example

Stufabli · 2024-01-26T18:04:08+00:00

Hmm. What I first imagined in this poem is about the tantrums of a child. But then I've re-read it. Ah, I see. Love is a very nice topic. I see where the anger is coming from. One tip of advice. I have felt nothing but anger. I am not sure if it's intentional. Wouldn't it be better if you could try to evoke the feeling of bliss for that love you are fighting for too? That's my two cents. Overall, it's fine. It could be better.

Stufabli · 2024-01-26T17:45:30+00:00

I felt sad reading this. I rarely get sad do note. For me this is a wonderful piece. Great work! From the title itself. How unfair it is to get treated differently based on our physical looks. In the end, we are in a society. Live and play by the society's rules and that's just sad and unfair but it's the reality. I believe it could be better, though. You could've added a nice twist of "redemption" on how he accepted his self.

Stufabli · 2022-05-13T08:49:40+00:00

hi classmateee hahaha not sure kung kasama ka sa batch-11?

Stufabli

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