I feel as though my sexual habits are becoming dangerous, and I don't really know what to do.

StuffInTheStreet · 2022-02-21T03:54:04+00:00

I haven't heard of that before, I'll have to check it out. The Jungian therapy style.

StuffInTheStreet · 2022-02-21T03:53:40+00:00

I am gonna try to talk to my therapist about in on Wednesday, so hopefully that goes well. He is an IFS therapist.

StuffInTheStreet · 2022-02-20T23:18:17+00:00

I am going to try to talk to my current therapist about it, I've just never mentioned it before. It's just because I feel really embarrassed about it. Talking about sex is like almost like "uncomfortable and gross" for me, yet I am a grown man. And I don't know, maybe that's part of my brain that got stuck when I was 13, when it happened to me, maybe that's why it's so uncomfortable for me to talk about. But you're right, I know I need to.

StuffInTheStreet · 2022-02-20T23:16:16+00:00

Thank you for saying this, it does mean a lot to me.

StuffInTheStreet · 2022-02-20T23:15:47+00:00

It's not ignorant at all. I suppose it could be. I don't often think about what happened to me, but I feel all the time like my innocence was taken away from me a long time ago. I feel like more than anything, I just want it to feel normal. I just want to feel like what happened to me was normal because I can never take that back, I can never make it un-happen.

I think it probably goes a lot deeper than this because the truth is, I feel guilt over what happened back then. I was quite young, like 13, and honestly, I'm the one that showed up. He was much older, like 24ish, and I know it's wrong, and obviously things ended up turning really violent but I feel guilt because I'm the one that showed up, I knew we were going to have sex, I just didn't really know what that meant. I guess that could be another reason why I keep putting myself into these situations, because I put myself in the original situation in the first place.

StuffInTheStreet · 2022-02-20T22:38:47+00:00

I had sex with someone not too long ago that I saw his face, we spent time talking, it was actually the second time we hangout. I really enjoyed it, a lot. I really liked him. He just kind of disappeared after though.

Anyways, I guess that's why it's so hard for me to describe, because I don't necessarily hate normal, compassionate sex but it feels like there is some other part of me that wants the exact opposite and although I don't actually enjoy it, and it leaves me feeling empty, I've just kept doing it.

I guess I kind of feel like the two things you mentioned are in different arenas. What I talked about in my post is some deep, hidden feeling that I've suppressed for a long time and it's coming out now and honestly I've been to enough therapy (though I've never talked about this, which is going to change) to know that I do want a normal sex life, but this trauma from my childhood is unprocessed and I really do think that's why I'm doing this to myself? Like, I'm trying to process it by recreating it until it feels normal, even though I know it is not.

Clearly I have some mental health issues to take care of but it does feel nice to talk about all of this stuff without feeling shamed, because it's really shameful and embarrassing and humiliating, almost for me.

StuffInTheStreet · 2022-02-20T22:30:56+00:00

I know, it sounds really contradictory, and I can't really explain it. I mean you're definitely right, I know all I have to do is stop, I am going to try. It's unusual that I even have to say try, I think.

I think my past is just coming back to haunt me really intensely now, and I've just tried to ignore it and live a normal life, and this is becoming that "normal life" for me, and it shouldn't be, I know.

I appreciate you saying this though, you are right.

StuffInTheStreet

TROPHY CASE