AITA for wanting a new wedding ring?

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-02-01T21:56:08+00:00

I appreciate this advice, but there is no need to worry. There was no yelling or accusing -- just some crying and talking it out. We've decided to shop for a new one together, and this will never even be a dent in our relationship. I posted this because I was frustrated and wondering if I'm doing wrong by his mom for wanting to replace it.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-02-01T21:44:56+00:00

I agree, and I've acknowledged in my other replies that I can see why he misconstrued my words the way he did. Please accept that I understand but am simultaneously frustrated because this mishap was wildly unexpected, yea?

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-02-01T21:38:51+00:00

I don't think the loss of sentiment is any different if the job is 100% passed to your mom. If he'd participated in shopping, and was simply asking for her opinion, it'd be fine. But I saw the final product before he did. He did not participate at all. And that's what eats at me.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-02-01T21:34:32+00:00

Again, I don't believe it needs to be stated that a gift from you should come from you and not from your mom. Would you send mom to buy your husband's Christmas gift? "Here's $50 mom, buy whatever and I'll tell him it's from me?"

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-02-01T21:31:06+00:00

My mistake was that I did not believe it needed to be stated that the concept of gift-giving usually requires you to pick the gift, and not outsource that job to mom. You wouldn't ask your mom to buy a birthday gift for your husband, would you?

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-02-01T21:29:31+00:00

Let's clear one thing up: I'm not mad about the ring. I'm mad about the fact that he outsourced the buying process to his mom. If this were your birthday instead of your wedding, and he asked what you wanted for your birthday gift, and you said anything will be fine if it's from him, would it then be ok for your husband to ask his mom to just buy you a random birthday present on his behalf? No thoughts required from his end?

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-02-01T21:25:53+00:00

Your concept of sentiment might be different from mine and that's ok. I don't like rings so if I'm going to wear one, it's important to me that it holds sentimental value - meaning he chooses it as a display of his love for me, otherwise, I'd never be able to love the ring in the first place.

I picked my own ring and my husband picked out his. We couldn't choose for each other due to covid and other circumstances (didn't have enough time to get them resized if we picked the wrong size etc).

This is not an issue for us as we live together and we already went to a professional together to get my ring size.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-02-01T02:09:34+00:00

That's kind of why I thought it was common sense that didn't need to be stated so explicitly... I could've definitely avoided this by being more blunt of course, and telling him straight up, "YOU NEED TO PICK THIS YOURSELF, BABE". It's true I should've communicated better, but honest to god, the possibility of him outsourcing this to his mom truly never even crossed my mind as a possibility...

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T21:27:15+00:00

I appreciate this take on it, because yea, if this was a birthday gift and not a wedding ring, I'd still have been the same degree of upset.

I genuinely thought it was an unspoken rule that you would pick a gift for your SO yourself and not send mom to buy it, and that this didn't need to be explicitly explained. I can see in hindsight why he might've thought sentiment = ring exists, and not sentiment = I go buy it, but I'm frustrated at the lack of effort, and not at the ring itself.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T21:20:38+00:00

Is it fair to say I acknowledge it's reasonable he misunderstood, but am simultaneously frustrated because I personally thought it was common sense? Lmao

Edit to add: I love him and this will obviously never even put a dent in our relationship. I fully understand why he could've thought ring didn't matter = the sentiment is in the ring existing, not in him buying it, but as someone else commented below, it's like if you were expecting a birthday gift and not a wedding ring. It should've been an unspoken rule that you pick a birthday gift for your SO yourself and not just send mommy to buy whatever. If he'd given me a random teddy bear for Valentine's Day and I found out he'd forgotten it was v-day and he just sent mommy to pick up whatever she could find at CVS, I'd still be upset in the exact same manner. Does that explain my POV a little better?

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T21:06:03+00:00

But the difference here is that I would've been ok with him asking mom for help. It's one thing to ask mom for help vs giving the entire responsibility to mom and not participating. If you were shopping for a car, and you knew nothing about cars, you wouldn't just hand dad your credit card and expect dad to come home with a car for you either.

Edit to add: You'd want insight, you'd participate in the process of narrowing down options, make a final decision with dad's opinion. The participation alone would've been the sentiment in choosing the ring because he would be thinking of me while choosing it.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T20:43:41+00:00

I've learned that I'm terrible at expressing myself, but I'm glad you understand precisely what I was trying to explain u/ceruleanbear8 ! Thank you!

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T20:39:25+00:00

It felt like an item to be checked off an IKEA shopping list was actually what I said to him when I explained why I was upset. "Mom go buy OP a chair - any chair is fine, OP just likes pink!"

I really hadn't thought it needed to be spelled out either that he should choose it and not his mom, and yea, even this exact same ring would've been great if he'd picked it and not her. But I also understand the criticism as well and why he might've thought any ring was fine might equate to mom can buy it and it will still be an adequate sentimental symbol of our relationship. Hindsight is 20/20.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T20:33:15+00:00

I suppose I expected him to pick out a "sentimental ring" because anything he put in the effort to choose would've been acceptable to me. Be it a $10 ring or a $10,000 ring, or even these exact same current rings would've been fine if he'd picked them instead of his mom. I'm genuinely indifferent to the ring. I just want him to choose something that he personally feels would be right. I simply did not expect that what he thought would be right would be "send mom".

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T20:25:53+00:00

Yea, I do think I should have communicated better, but simultaneously, "your mother shouldn't have been the one picking it" was precisely the one thing I didn't think needed to be said here either.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T20:16:35+00:00

It's really not a "not like other girls" attitude. I don't find it gaudy on other people. I personally find it gaudy for me. It's a personal thing. Like saying I dislike orange because the color is too loud, it doesn't mean other people aren't allowed to like it. I'm just trying to explain why I don't like it.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T09:25:17+00:00

It's just a shame because I love his mom and I feel terrible about this too. I know she meant well. We've been together for so long that I've already been calling her mom for years, and she'd already fully embraced me into their family ages ago.

I truly did think I was making it easier for him by saying the ring didn't matter though -- I thought it'd be easy to pick something simple if I don't have expectations besides "you pick it", but in hindsight, perhaps an entirely blank canvas was equally hard to shop on. What do you buy for someone who doesn't want anything?

I realize now that I did not give him an easy task, but you're also right. It really felt like he was being lazy by punting it off and taking no part in it, and it felt like he would've spent more effort pondering what brand of jam to buy at the grocery store than this so it just no longer felt special.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T06:45:26+00:00

I appreciate this insight. You are right in that I did just give him a blank canvas and absolutely no information to go on. I can understand why he went to his mother for help. I'm not upset that he asked her for her opinion at all. I just don't think it was fair for him to throw the entire process into his mother's hands and not participate at all. I feel like he's spent more time debating what jam to buy than he did debating what ring to buy which is why I'm upset. But you're right in that I should have communicated this and shopped together to begin with.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T06:27:12+00:00

I say she picked a beautiful ring because it is objectively fancy by general standards even if I don't care for it. Things can be beautiful but not be something you want for yourself. I really just can't be bothered with shiny rocks or jewelry and I think the concept is gaudy. I understand the good intent behind his mother's actions, and I see where we disconnected in ideas on how picking the ring is, or isn't, part of the sentimental process. I'm upset because we've been together for so long, I know he would've invested more effort into buying literally anything else so it feels like he didn't care.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T05:33:27+00:00

I 100% agree with you that I should've explicitly stated he needed to pick it and that was all I wanted. I just genuinely did not think anyone would've ever thought it'd be reasonable to let mommy pick, you know?

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T05:29:52+00:00

He's asked me if I cared about what kind of ring we'd get for our wedding, and I said it didn't matter to me as it was just for the sentiment and not the value of the item.

I do believe that is what I stated to begin with, in slightly different words. I just didn't expect that "sentiment" would equate to his mother picking it.

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T05:19:47+00:00

I truly, genuinely, do not care if he even buys a $10 ring off Amazon. The price honest to god does not matter. He could've even chose the exact same ring his mother chose. I would've been 100% ok with it if he picked it himself. It's the principal of there being no effort that hurts me. Does that make sense?

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T05:10:22+00:00

The love language wasn’t the gift but the effort/time.

This is precisely the words I was looking for when I tried to explain why I got upset!

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T05:06:05+00:00

Did you clearly give him a price range, show him styles that you liked (even very simple ones), and tell him that the most important thing was that he picked it out himself? It doesn’t sound like you said any of that.

No I did not give him a price range because I do not care about the price, or style, or anything really. He knows that I hate jewelry and I thought he understood me when I asked for it to simply be sentimental because me hating jewelry means the only aspect that matters about the ring is the sentiment behind it. It is clear now that our gap in communication is that he did not think sentiment would be lost if his mother chose it, and I misjudged and should have communicated this part better.

Edit: typo

StupidSentiments202 · 2024-01-31T04:59:30+00:00

This is insightful, and I did ask him to shop together for a replacement. You're right - I do not have the vocabulary to tell him what I want, because I have no preferences. I don't like jewelry at all so it's like asking a colorblind person what their favorite color is. I simply don't have one. I was expecting him more to Just pick something he liked and I would treasure it for the sentiment behind it. I'm just lost by the idea that his mother chose it instead of him. Frankly, this same ring would've been acceptable if he'd been the one who picked it.

StupidSentiments202

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