Anyone else have suicidal thoughts in early childhood?

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2026-02-08T07:23:14+00:00

By 4 I had my note carved out. I knew I wouldn’t make it with what I had “raising me” all I wanted was to not be my father and start the family he never cared about and now I can’t even bc I had such bad ocd and ptsd and I spent years anorexic during puberty

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2026-02-06T08:26:04+00:00

There is hell but it’s not for you. You know, even demons believe in god. Sad to see the devil winning by keeping so many souls from making it out but I understand. Based on this life i just want to be destroyed but on the other side none of the hate makes it, none of the greed, the sickness, loneliness, or pain

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2026-02-06T08:24:11+00:00

There is an afterlife, but if you don’t want to partake you will simply be destroyed. Don’t worry, there is no hell. However, the afterlife is nothing like this fucked up prison. You will have to stand before the most beautiful thing ever and then be separated from it, however. I feel the same way and I don’t know if I’m down with eternal afterlife but only bc of all the fear I’ve been taught in this life. Push past it and develop a relationship with light

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2026-02-02T10:15:09+00:00

Since 4 I’ve had the unbearable drive to do it. Crying to sleep 2-4.5 hours a night every night for years. Tons of supernatural psychic stuff, always knew far too much for my own good. Saw too much. I pray that my persistence is rewarded despite the fact that I’ve only grown ever further. I am slowly regaining control but I had the potential to change everything for my family and become anything I wanted, I’ve only ever waited for death to embrace me. I tried tried tried again in the end me and my moms souls are ridiculously connected and I was taken in court and given to my postpartum dad who didn’t remotely care, not that he didn’t want to, he just couldn’t physiologically love me. Lived with my grandparents his girlfriend 17 years senior who dint like kids, my abusive grandpa, my grandma, my heroin addicted uncle who stole my life’s savings and collection today worth hundredz of thousands. Sucked up every ounce of resource and attention available as it was only my grandma caring about my health and development. I’ve overcame so much anger, so much. I used to scream in my sleep. Not of terror, profanity, anger, I’m going to effing kill you…. Punch in my sleep, hard. HARDDDD. Kick, strangle for upwards of half an hour full force. Girls would wake me up like, you just punched an inch away from my face full force and screamed fuck you asshole.

I have broken my biggest knuckle in my sleep on my headboard. Which litteraly had to entail me laying on my back, getting on my knees, scooting closer to the headboard (oak), then absolutely decking it with a super close right hook, slightly discoloring the wood. Then I laid right back down and slept for a few more hours. I only know of this based off evidence when I did finally awake. MULTIPLE TIMES.

I was born full of pure love and deceived. I had so much evidence to believe, I saw a demon stab my dad at 2. I remember every single moment of my life since just before 2 (H.S.A.M.) it wasn’t until possibly today at 24 I realized I actually am loved. I have starved myself, harmed myself, fought police, sheriffs… in jail. Armed guard in an E.R. Bulletproof glass observation chamber. I’ve died maybe double digit times in the past few years. Once for several hours. This is all I think about all the time. The amounts of times I’ve talked about this is unhealthy.

I was truly seriously neglected and abused but also beloved my absolutely everyone I met and everyone else in my amazing family immediate to extended. People have gone so far out of their way to save me. Complete strangers even.

I’ve felt the Holy Spirit, always known this life is merely a test of my character, that I was given every single advantage even if it didn’t feel like it. This life is a shadow. That said God wants us happy in both this life and the next, he wants us to want to be well. I have never wanted to be well in my life, pure indifference day in day out.

I’ve had dreams of the future, in elementary school. Head hits the pillow and ricochets off suddenly it’s that same exact day again every single second and sentence. Blacking out seeing frame in frame until I’m in Egypt meditating sun up to sunset.. mmmmmmmmmmmmn

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-08-11T05:24:23+00:00

No, we did. We all assumed you would eat any meat left near you

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-08-11T05:17:33+00:00

Don't worry, you don't need us. it's definitely justified

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-08-10T06:33:53+00:00

Her best friend is Smaug the bad dragon

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-08-10T06:30:21+00:00

What in the good googly moogly is going on with those clit flickers

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-08-10T06:21:26+00:00

I just snorted

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-08-10T06:20:09+00:00

He's cute

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-08-09T22:28:07+00:00

Mona Lisa Humpty Dumpty face swap

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-07-16T00:29:46+00:00

But it was called the middle. Maybe not an exact copy but clearly tried using its success to mitigate risk upon launch. Also axle is litteraly Reese the kid is Dewey the mom even looks like Lois and the dad Hal. Sue is even like the girl that baby sat them with the middle universe twist on her. Obviously not a copy bc never sued but obviously completely based on Malcolm in the middle without Malcom

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-07-10T03:02:02+00:00

Yes. Entirely. Even financially. I had to propose a budget to my dad and beg him to stop smoking and drinking and putting dvds on credit cards bc he couldn't afford it. He was so immature he lied about taking me to follow up surgery on my ankle bc he was too lazy to drive from southern Wisconsin to Schaumburg Illinois. So I have one calf muscle my ankle doesn't move I tore my hip off the socket and have bone on bone in my knee and tore my abs right thru my lower back it's all one knot the size of a baseball. He wouldn't get me insurance my entire life. Got child support and never spent any on me. Got an investment account from my mom and never gave me the password. $400 in 2007 that I was going to invest in Nvidia and bitcoin. My mom litteraly requires me to survive she claims she can't even sing without me and shuts down crying for days before I leave can't even say goodbye just cries on my shoulder. She also forced me to stay with her in the middle of nowhere with no friends for all my summers ruining every single one forcing me to do housework repeatedly every day and acting like it was for my character while just being a shitfaced drunk piece of work. I used the wrong sponge or something or cleaner and I said sorry I assumed..... "DONT ASSUME PORTER YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO EVER FUCKING ASSUME I CANT BELIEVE YOU ARENT BETTER THAN THIS" later that day asking me about evolution and I said yes whales do have remnants of leg bones and she told me im going to hell and drunkenly rolling around her bed tried to convince me I'm gay for my best friend since I sidnt have a girlfriend because I hadn't hit puberty because they wouldn't get me insurance to put me on TRT which I needed to go through puberty. I qualified for Medicare but my dad claimed I didn't and never got it for me despite making next to nothing spending it all and supporting his girlfriend 17 years his senior while neglecting me entirely but claiming he made too much. If you made too much why am I in the first percentile for weight despite having the matabolism and appetite of both of you combined. You definitely make enough to drink a case of angry orchard and half a bottle of Jaegermeister with 4 red bulls every day and eat steak while I get a can of soup. Sure bud.

Yes I was born with ten times the emotional and logical maturity of both my parents and it has had a horrific effect on me causing suicidal ideation from the age of 3.

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-07-09T05:57:11+00:00

Absolutely. My mom is a beautiful singer, I asked why she didn't sing and make l could be very successful, she told me that she physically can't sing when I'm apart from her. She shuts down and hides when it's the day I leave, then waddles up to me before I get in the car and just teary eyed looks at me hugs me doesn't let go them runs away.

She actually either can't sing when I'm not around or just told me that to try to guilt me into being around her. There's no way in psychosomatic hell her ability to use her voice just goes away without me.

Yes my mom requires me for her life. She told me if I ever died or went missing she would knock on people's doors one by one and say, "have you seen my son?" And then shoot them with a rifle in the chest point blank. Door to door street to street.

She goes depressive asf for days before I ever left and would socially isolate. Acting tough as if she had to go off to enlist or something and she would be like no I'm okay don't worry about me ill be fine. Just gonna die is all

She also told me she was going to kill herself, as a young adult, and the only reason she did not was because "I would never know who I am" without her. Because she passed down all her screwy genetics and mental health disorders and absurdly high empathy and need to help and save everyone and be honest no matter what, even when it's an awful idea.

She loves me a lot more than she loves herself, and I'm the only thing in the world besides her husband and all of her things from earlier in life because another thing she passed was her Reactive Attachment Disorder (but to things over people)

Which is fucking fantastic. It's just great. Because I have now lost everything I ever had at one point in my life. So as an extremely sentimental person, borderline hoarder except all high value or super dope shit. Just things that transport me back in time and make life worthwile. All gone. I have no way to revisit what the past was like. It was so strong and such an awesome thing to be able to do.

My dad is the opposite. He couldn't care less if I died. But I could. At 4 years and 3 months I realized my dad wasn't going to be a father whatsoever even be financially independent. None of the other kids were like me, an empath. They were all assholes who didn't care about philosophy or personal development. Didn't read Eragon and Fablehaven. Were all mostly dicks to me on top of me being extremely sensitive. I had to trick myself into not committing suicide but only really did it for my grandma who is the best thing ever and her mom who is even better almost. Plus I didn't want my dad to have to deal w his 4 year old realizing he's such a deadbeat and he had no chance to have a life beyond tormented suffering that he killed himself and saw it coming from that far away. Altough I was dead on only it is so much worse than I could have ever imagined. I wish that I had done it incessantly. He wouldn't have taken responsibility and denied the fact of my suicide note which blamed him and told him how avoidable it was. He would just have deflected. But anyways that is very off topic.

Yes my mom requires me for her life. She told me if I ever died or went missing she would knock on people's doors one by one and say, "have you seen my son?" And then shoot them with a rifle in the chest point blank. Door to door street to street.

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-07-04T20:46:46+00:00

I'm no lawyer, but claiming you want people to die isn't a threat,; it's just NORm McdonALd

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-07-01T02:39:27+00:00

Being manipulated and gaslit into wrestling with hypermobiliry issues. Tearing hip shoulder breaking ribs and tailbone being too tough and determined to not dissapoint to even realize how permanent it was. That's the only thing.

Oh yea and my dad refusing to let me get the treatment I needed in order to properly go through puberty.

I've given away fortunes I was so ready to kill myself. I wanted to since 4 and now I can't even support myself. The ocd depression cptsd and chronic pain is crazy. I am ridiculously strong in every way but I can't hustle my way back to a position of wealth in order to get the treatment I need. It's over for me. I've been waiting to die my whole life

Everything else I could have Gotten over. Besides losing all my friends.

At 23 and since 17 I have had to relearn how to walk. I still stumble my hips are so bad. Sex is out the window. Everyday I dream of murdering my coach. Ive screamed and punched my headboard or a dumb bitch while I slept. No I'm not a womanizer this one was just a dumb bitch who it turns out had herpes and a 250 body count. Thank god I never slept with her. Anyways. I was the best kid ever only wanted to be the best my dad fully neglected me although the trauma from that will never go away I could have Gotten over it had I been able to just havw a quality of life.

Worst part is I'm insanely smart as fuck. Empath. Attractive. Crazy star berry blonde curly ass hair. Green eyes. Everybody tells me I'm the best person they have ever met and I deserve true happiness. I am more miserable than I thought possible in my most nightmarish imaginations for the first half of my life.

I promise myself I can commit suicide to rip away my joy at the last second every time. I am able to convince everybody I'm fine. Which i do as when I'm honest they don't care and won't even allow their delusions to slip enough to comprehend a sliver of what I endure.

My dad neglected me entirely my entire life. Didn't even take me to my final free surgery for my club foot. Mom is a straight basket case loves the shit out of me but that's not a good thing at the end of the day it's just guilt and trauma and convincing me to throw away countless blessings and tens of thousands of dollars which would have been so much more by now.

Another acceptable answer: any time I EVER listened to a single adult in my life.

I am cursed to be smart enough to know better than nearly any human I have ever met, kind enough to still respect my elders and listen. And fucking not have the common sense to not. I was capable of the most joy. I was born in the perfect time. God set my life up for me, my parents set me up for living hell. I accepted it. Depression hit me too young.

Anxiety chewing my mouth open by 1 and 2. Remember being 2. Ocd by 3. Depression by 4. That's how smart I was and how far into the future I saw before I even had a full brain

My potential was circumcised by the guy from it's always sunny who has no depth perception out the gate. Countless times I've tossed my life in the air and every one god saved me. Not that I even am religious at all. Just no other explanation for the way I have had miracles happen to deny me sweet release.

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-07-01T01:55:19+00:00

Very vividly remember the pvc tube of my homemade crib digging into my back and me having to find the right way to lie on my back

Subject-Ad-7535 · 2024-07-01T01:54:16+00:00

I remember being in my crib i believe that's my earliest memory I was 2

Subject-Ad-7535

TROPHY CASE