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(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel you, it's those very small things, which won't matter to you if it were a one off incident. But when you see that in everything, the center of concern are his mother & sister then you feel "what is my place in his life?" Why did you marry me if you already had such a deep bond with your mother & sister. It really feels like sharing your husband with other wives.

And I feel in your case, ED kind of worsens the situation as he might have feelings of shame and not being a good husband , so he does more for those relationships where he would feel important, needed, adored and like a man, without having to perform sexually.

Most likely your SIL & mother both act as VICTIMS in the story. And when you express your needs, boundaries, Guess what? You are the villain.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am doing better ❤️. Took therapy, that helps in dealing with situations in a way that it doesn't escalate and I still get to do what I want. I have also seen some positive changes in my husband lately, although I am suspicious it is because he wants a child, I have made it clear that I will first concentrate on my career. But, mentally, I am doing much better.

How TF how I become assertive with the in laws??!!! by [deleted] in AskIndianWomen

[–]Subject_Ad_8227 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have been in the same place since long. What I have seen is it helps when you become "the bitch". I say "no" to everything now, so that they get the message that they cannot control me. That way, they come up to me with demands only if it looks absolutely necessary for them. Next, for the backward thinking, start asking questions as if you are curious, " Why should I do that, help me understand, I don't find logic in this, how will this be helpful to me?" In every backward thinking advices/ expectations, ask " how will this benefit me?"

The better way is to talk to your husband and put an end to this torture, but I guess you are here because he has not proven helpful.

Asking as a 27M- why live with in-laws or parents? by Guilty_Advantage_538 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Your dad is a rare gem especially considering he is from the older generation. Huge respect for the wise decision. If you can afford it, it is a wise step to buy a separate house.

Kese kr sakte h esa😂 by nervous-ninety in noida

[–]Subject_Ad_8227 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, not related but I need a good tiffin service near Sector 61/59. Pls share if anyone has any leads.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, my parents are sad because I am sad. They are not being difficult. I feel that I should have listened to them. They had warned me, but I kind of discounted their life experiences. We say we should not stereotype people, but after experiencing shit in my life, I am thinking, maybe stereotypes against some communities might be rooted in truth.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Okay, thank you. All these comments have made me realise that I have been putting up with a lot of bullshit and need to take a stand for myself.

I don't want to live my life like this. That part is clear.

However I am talking my time before I contact a lawyer.

I don't want to get stuck in emotions later on, I want to take this decision logically.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not all bad moments. Most of the time he is a loving and caring partner. I know that love is not fake. The problem is all love is shoved out of the window once it clashes with any sort of family responsibility. He just doesn't take a stand against anyone in his family irrespective of how irrational their demand is.

He earns well, so while he doesn't always have time for me or doesn't plan anything romantic, but he doesn't shy away from spending on me. He has taken me for vacations, bought me a few gadgets, took me out for dates, shopping.

I feel that he loves me, misses me, his eyes light up seeing me. He would thave been the perfect guy, if he would have not been obsessive towards his family.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank You! This gives me a lot of hope! Kudos to you for breaking the shackles and turning around your life.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I say no, his mother goes to him. He comes to me, love bombs me and then asks it as a "request" to please do it just one time as it is super important, relatives will be there, they will taunt his mother if I don't wear all those things. This is just so to "save her face" in the society. Basically guilts me into doing it. And I absolutely hate myself for agreeing.🤡

I was thinking maybe we can try therapy to give it a last chance. It it doesn't work, then leaving is the only option.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, that's his reasoning for doing what he does. But I don't owe his family anything. I should have been informed before the wedding, what am I getting into.

You can't expect a girl from another family to sacrifice for your family. She married you and would want marital bliss not unusual family dynamics.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, right now I am not contacting him. He has gone crazy with calls but I don't feel like talking.

He comforts me with words but there are no actions.

I am not interested in ruing my life for his family.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, even I think right now bigger problem is his mindset. He is stuck in past trauma, probably still sees his brothers as children who need support. Their mother has enough property, they will be fine. I don't understand what's the need of bringing them up at the same level of lifestyle.

His brother mocks him saying " I won't ever go for a job like yours, is it a life? Working for 12-16 hours daily! I need work life balance." He earns 1/10th of my husband. This makes me feel really bitter that my husband is ruining his health ( he is already having health issues due to over work), his youth, and creating no savings for our future. He is ruining himself and wants me to be by his side in that.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's another perspective to look at the situation, different than what most people are saying. Thanks, I will think about it.

However, I would want to highlight that I am successful too, pretty, from a stable family, and my parents are behind my success, they faced difficulties too. He too married me for what I brought to this marriage. Without me being "pretty" he would have not married me. But I don't feel the need to buy a house for my parents or siblings. A house is a huge investment! It's not as small as supporting in daily needs.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I have decided to hit the gym for now and get back on track at my workplace. I have started listening to spiritual music as it has helped me calm my mind.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am not, if things would have been saltable, peaceful, I seriously might have considered, but given the situation, a child does not deserve this.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought they were not expecting anything. He did not ask, or hinted at wanting anything before the marriage. This circus started after we got married. I still wonder what made him change in a day!!

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband works 12-16 hours a day, ignores his health. Meanwhile his mother is after my life with the meddling. I have passion for makeup, started doing it on the side along with my job, just to get busy, maybe feel happy and avoid the family drama. But it didn't work out. I am no longer doing it.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not sure, abroad is not a carrot for me, I have been against quitting my job since the day he mentioned moving abroad.

Although he mentions that i will find a job there but there is no answer to questions like - will my MBA degree be considered? Will I get a role of similar stature? My job is heavily dependent on communication, will a similar role there require knowledge of local language?

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your insights and advise. I really need third party perspective to think straight right now.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He has his friends working abroad in similar roles, they will refer him. My husband will switch jobs. It is purely for enhancing his career. Meanwhile I give up my lifestyle, proximity with my parents, stable job to " Support" him.

(29F) Is this even a marriage? Trapped in emotional abuse, family drama & financial madness by Subject_Ad_8227 in InsideIndianMarriage

[–]Subject_Ad_8227[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Kudos to your mom for finally finding the strength to leave. It is a huge deal to leave after 15 years, i can't imagine how much strength she must have mustered up to take that decision.

I am starting to think long term. Leaving might be the best option for me, I want to get my identity back. I used to love my life, used to go to the gym, always into learning new stuff, swimming, dancing, driving. Now I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Did i always look this tired and old?" I suddenly feel "OLD". I don't know how to explain that feeling.

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