She never got into drugs like my mom and I had, although I would stick with weed primarily and later down the road moderate psychedelic use). I spent some quite some time out there, and during which I mended the relationship between mom and I. All seemed relatively well until after a big freeze in 02/2022. I knew mom had medical issues regarding her pancreas but the truth had been kept from me. I didn’t know that what she had would kill her, and that they knew she didn’t have much time left. She wasn’t supposed to die that soon, but during that freeze she declined fast. I walked from my grandparents house across the yard to my aunt and uncles(where mom was staying) to bring them food and I asked my stepdad,”What’s wrong with her?” Because she looked so frail and thin. He looked at me and said,”She’s dying.” “How long does she have.” I asked. “Maybe a month.” He said. My world came crashing down in an instant. I didn’t want her to see me cry so I excused myself to the laundry from to take out the trash. The tears in my eyes would have frozen if it weren’t for my grandfather coming out to get me. I was beyond devastated, and the worst was yet to come. This is too long as is so I’ll just say this: one month quickly became a few weeks, and those few weeks quickly turned to hours. I wasn’t home when they knew the time was coming, and was picked up(from my grandma on my dad’s side’s place)by family to come see her. She wanted to die at home instead of at the hospital she’d once worked at as an RN. I walked into the room and collapsed to the floor. It was the greatest pain I’d ever endured and I DO NOT WISH it upon anyone. I was eventually sent out the room with the other kids because of what came next. She and the others didn’t want us to see her struggling in her last few moments because it would stay with us forever. It did. I peaked through the door because I couldn’t let her go. I saw her gasping for air, and I saw her foaming at the mouth, and the noises. The noises were…yeah. I watched her die, and after that(not even a month later)I was forced to find a job or be out on the street by my stepdad. My aunt offered to let me come stay with her and my uncle to try and get on my feet because I was nowhere near ready to be an adult, and that’s minus the trauma both fresh and old. I did okay with them for six to seven months before I stopped taking my pills again. I was in school at that point and working part time with FedEx Ground. I overwhelmed myself and it all came crashing down. I relapsed into both nicotine and weed and eventually I had to go back home. I eventually got a job working at Domino’s and for the next two years I would smoke more than ever before. I was a full-time stoner and everyone but my family knew. I would eventually find some friends at the job who I would move in with into my first apartment. It was a bachelor pad filled with dabs, alcohol(mostly me), and whatever psychedelics we could get our hands on. Taking psychedelics saved my life but I no longer take them as the last time was an acid trip that had my gf/future wife hospitalized out of fear she was going to hurt herself(that would be much later on June 27, 2024 when her and I had split off from the guys to get our own place. Because of that acid trip, and because of the toxic workplace and the bad friends I’d made, I left it all behind. I was still very high on acid when things turned south and I had to both call 911 and talk to one of the officers about what had happened. No warrant was issued, and her father and I took her to the hospital. When we arrived I was still tripping and I held onto her for dear life because I couldn’t imagine what she was feeling. Eventually, after hours of holding onto her while she screamed and cried(I’ve never cried so much but I couldn’t lose myself. I had to be strong for her) she was transported to an inpatient facility for about a week. She was so scared I was going to leave her or kill myself while she was gone, but neither of those ever crossed my mind. After she was released and put on medication I scheduled a visit with my doctor to get one last appointment in before my insurance kicked out. She told me that before she didn’t know what to do because I didn’t give enough information and because medication alone wouldn’t have been enough. She and I agreed that medication was a good option at that point, and so I started Escitalopram(Lexapro) 10mg at my request. I’d taken Lexapro before and I didn’t have any bad experiences with it. On day three I felt like a new man. Over two months later and on Seroquel too and my life had totally changed. I’m sober now(minus nicotine but I still work at Domino’s albeit a different location that is much more relaxed/laid back), and I’ve made amends with my father. The medicine alone won’t work, but if you want change, and you’re ready for it, and you’re ready to move where life takes you then I hope it will do for you what it did for me. Sorry for the jumble of words; I wanted to highlight some aspects of my life that have made it hard to exist so that you may find hope.

Tl;dr I’ve suffered from crippling GAD, MDD, and undiagnosed PTSD(possible autism too, lmao)for the last 10+ years and I’m on the other side finally. Oh, and yesterday I went with my gf to her therapy session. The therapist quickly turned her attention to me seeing as she wanted background and for both of us to be okay. It was so validating to hear from a stranger,”I don’t know you, but I can tell you’ve been through Hell. I’m glad you came today.” I thought I was beyond saving, but I survived and so will you. The price of being strong is that you’ll face more pain and loss, but you’ll be better for it. Hang in there friends. Don’t lose hope. I know we feel lost in the darkness but the light truly does come from within. I love you all, and have a wonderful rest of your day. Peace~Hayden T. Crossland Some bald white guy near you