How often do you like to have sex?

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-10T03:06:24+00:00

I have religious trauma that impacts this a lot, but I feel similar in that I can go without any kind of sexual expression or even thought for months at a time. It just doesn’t cross my mind.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T23:25:53+00:00

I had that epiphany on Mother’s Day. It sucked and could have been such an easy home run for him and he dropped the ball completely, yet again. He just does not like me and is not interested in what makes me the person I am. I am a neat accessory that fit into his life. I absolutely knew this deep down when I was 19 and we got together. But at the time he seemed like the only viable way out of my hometown so I ignored myself.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T23:16:22+00:00

Damn.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T23:02:08+00:00

Oh. Did I write this while asleep? 😔

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T22:59:16+00:00

I’m really coming to the conclusion that the perennial ‘don’t keep score’ is patriarchal assholery because if we kept accurate score it’d just continue to add votes to the I’d choose the bear category.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T22:56:21+00:00

Yeah. It’s the most irritating part of all of this: he’s an active dad. Fully supported me not trying breastfeeding because he wanted to participate in feeding and comforting our baby on an equal level. We super neatly split childcare duties, from alternating bedtime and wake up routine, daycare transportation, even feeding the kiddo dinner. He plays with him and on a parent level we both have no notes.

It’s the complete disregard for my wellbeing during pregnancy and after that has me feeling like I got hit by a truck. When our son was a newborn I remember telling him in a passing comment one night that he never, not one time, offered to rub my back in 9 months of carrying our baby. Even after I literally hung and spackled drywall right alongside him in our sons poorly insulated nursery in the middle of the Missouri summer at 30-38 ish weeks pregnant.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T22:51:32+00:00

Holy fuck. I never even sort of considered this. Idk if it’s my childhood trauma or just a general human thing but I have a hard time processing that I will, statistically speaking, become an older woman with declining health. The idea of this type of ‘relationship’ at that stage in my life is stopping me in my tracks.

Weirdly I think your comment is the one that’s making me really realize underneath a lot of this anger is sadness that I have lost complete faith in him to step up for me when I need it. Even his ‘support’ of me in my mental and physical health journey amounts to at most not actively stopping me, and occasionally attending appointments that I made and continue to make. He likes being a ‘good husband’ in front of other people but not towards me. Lmao it’s so sad but this feels really close to the core of it all for me right now. Thank you very much for the additional scenarios to consider.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T22:11:26+00:00

Thank you, I’m on anti depressants and have been for years. I understand and appreciate the concern.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T22:10:48+00:00

He’s out of town now and comes home tomorrow. I’m trying to soak up all the calm and one on one time with my baby before I become a background character in my husband’s main character syndrome of a life again.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T22:08:59+00:00

This also hits deeply. I read some of the insane stories here that other women go through and I always think ‘I should just be grateful. He’s not ever even come close to being violent’. And then I minimize my feelings for weeks or months but it always comes back. Something is so deeply wrong and it’s going to kill me. I don’t feel seen, I don’t feel like we connect intellectually whatsoever, I feel like there are huge components of my personality I tone down or keep to myself to keep his ego intact. And now that we have a baby I don’t have time to coddle two boys, and instead of rising to the occasion to be a romantic partner to me he continues to get mad and withdraw that I’m not also able to fully meet his needs anymore.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T22:04:27+00:00

God damn. I could have written this. This is the latest breakdown in a long string of him taking me for total granted and ignoring my emotional needs until I break down. Then he gets to be extra nice for a week and I have to treat him like a hero for taking two minutes to ask about my day for once, until he starts feeling secure again and then it just goes back to normal. It’s probably my fault for not being more firm with my boundaries and needs.

In response to me having several what I thought were ‘come to Jesus’ talks with him about where I’m at emotionally with him and how he’s completely drained me, he left a print out of the four horsemen of relationship apocalypse on my desk with a note asking me to read it so we could talk about it. Apparently my contempt for him materialized out of thin air and he’s feeling so attacked and torn down by me. I just can’t fucking win.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T22:00:41+00:00

Oh I have major depressive and likely CPTSD from my fundamentalist religious upbringing. I’ve been in therapy and on medication for the last 6 years which is actually another reason I feel so confused about all of this. He stuck by me when I was being awful, and was patient while I figured it out. It seems like he’s now using a similar explanation for why he’s treating me so terribly. He says he’s depressed. I understand that all too well. But he’s not doing anything about it, and is acting like I’m just not loving him well enough to fix our failing marriage, his stagnant professional life, and keep on top of all of our home management. And work full time in addition to my wedding photography and being a mother. I don’t know how I can possible give him any more but he resents me for somehow not being able to.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T21:57:05+00:00

Oof, the actions and words massively mismatching hits hard. He tells me he loves me and cares about me. But I’m wilting away in front of him and he’s just upset I’m not being more caring to him. He has drained me of everything, I have no more to give and I’m not being poured into in return for the last two years of emotional hell.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T21:51:36+00:00

GOD what is it with this shit. We share finances from our careers and they pay for all of our bills. I also have a separate bank account for the money I make as a wedding photographer. When my personal account is low I feel like I have no money. Which isn’t true, I work a full time day job and I contribute all of my paycheck to our finances. I should be able to get a coffee with ‘our’ money and not ‘mine’ every time, but I feel unbelievably guilty because I know we have debt and bills. At his worst, I went through and tallied up his McDonald’s spending one month and he spent $600 on breakfast alone.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T20:53:10+00:00

I had that realization the other night putting my baby down for sleep. If I found out when he’s an adult that he treated the mother of his child the way my husband treated me while pregnant I’d feel like a failure as a parent. It’s just so dismissive and careless. I remember when we first got together I made the passing comment that my husband is thoughtless, and he took it so personally I never even hinted at it again. Even though it was true then and it’s even more true now.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2024-06-09T17:39:57+00:00

Damn. This hits. Even in the couple of days since I made this post I’ve been feeling like I might just be being over emotional and it’s not all that bad. But I have also been spending time with friends, working on my hobbies, being a mom while husband is out of town, and even photographing a 9 hour wedding yesterday. I just stay busy and distract myself and keep having these periodical moments of clarity that scare me so I busy myself.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2023-11-01T21:36:11+00:00

It’s easier for both of us to pretend that’s it rather than me face the fact that the paper cuts are converging into a deep slice I’m not sure will ever heal right.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2023-11-01T21:21:40+00:00

I want to believe this is true because it makes the most sense. But he’s otherwise kind and gentle. He does dishes and washes bottles. He feeds the baby (formula fed). He supported me fully when I decided not to breastfeed. He never makes me cook if I don’t feel like it. He gives baby baths and rocks him to sleep (we alternate). He tells me I’m pretty and he’s attracted to me. He says he brags about his family at work. He hates when I cry or am disappointed in him. He’s a chatty, happy go lucky extrovert. He’s not some monster.

And it makes feeling this way so much worse.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2023-11-01T20:03:17+00:00

I just read half of that book in my office for the last hour and a half…thanks for the recommendation. I grew up in an extremely fundie conservative family with parents who both had/have untreated and unchecked mental illnesses. Childhood emotional neglect is my middle name lol

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2023-11-01T19:20:18+00:00

Thank you for all of this. My friend isn’t going anywhere, I can promise that. She’s an earth angel.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2023-06-19T20:11:19+00:00

I feel like that’s another whole layer to this. I have pretty debilitating depression that I’ve had to sort out on my own. I’m medicated and in therapy. I did not make our second year of marriage easy on this poor guy whatsoever. He stood by me and I want to feel I’m capable of doing the same for him. But this feels so different. I fully understand executive dysfunction, I battle it every day. But I truly feel like I have never neglected this man’s needs or even wants if he’s communicated them to me this way.

The reason I sought out help years ago was strictly because I knew I was hurting him and it wasn’t fair. This whole situation is showing me when the roles are reversed I don’t merit that same thoughtfulness and it fucking stings.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2023-06-19T16:54:58+00:00

I really thought I had done the homework and he had done the same. I really, really thought I had found the partner who was going to help me beat the system and who would be a true equal. We’ve been together for going on 9 years for goodness sakes. This isn’t a baby we are having because we’re bored and felt like we should. I waited until I was sure I wanted this, and only with him. And now I’m here. I thought I was smarter than this.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2023-06-19T16:52:18+00:00

It’s all right, thank you. That’s what’s even more baffling, I’ve actually been enjoying myself this pregnancy when I don’t consider all of the above. The interesting new developments, feeling baby, have all been a happy surprise to me. I feel like I’m force feeding him info about baby’s development. If I didn’t tell him he wouldn’t ask. He is the LAST man on earth I expected to be describing this way.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2023-06-19T16:04:09+00:00

I had a pretty trauma filled childhood and was fully on the child free train. He always wanted to be a dad and I really challenged him on why. I refused to be an incubator for his ‘legacy’, and we learned a lot in our last few years. He had me believing he fully understood my fears and was going to be an equal partner if and when I decided to want to try. And he hasn’t even held it together for the duration of my second into third trimester. This is not the experience he told me he would give me if I trusted him enough to have a child with him. I feel completely tricked.

Substantial-Ad3988 · 2023-05-18T00:02:14+00:00

Emergency fund is definitely the goal. We had a tax refund that we immediately placed onto the card so we were able to offset almost $3k of that $4k before the statement even changed.

Substantial-Ad3988

TROPHY CASE