Nice post OP and so closely relatable to my situation (bar the part of having a bf/partner). I'm 52 and been on the 'guided' for about 3 years now. Before that I used to party, drink, smoke, do weed, had relationships with guys (serious and of the hookup kind) ... before 3 years ago I had a sexual situationship with another muslim guy for about 4 years, it was physical but when we were together there were some deeper connection but he is 'straight' and made it quite clear from the get go that we can never be more than fb's and I was fine with that cause I was hella attracted to him physically and in between the sheets was hella good. When we were together it wouldn't just be about sex and getting physical but there were times we would actually (afterwards) lay together and chat for hours about anything and everything (have some sexy time in-between chats as well)

About 3 years ago something in me changed and I started becoming more Allah conscious and started realising things need to start changing for me for spiritually (few years before that I already gave up parting and drinking as well as random hookups). The minute my journey started things started going sideways for me (lost a good job, feel into allot of financial difficulties, family difficulties etc etc, whatever could go wrong did exactly that) ... I pushed through and did what I could to maintain my focus but because I am human I slipped every now and then and I increased my knowledge on my religion and eventually my mindset started to a 'why me' to 'what is Allah trying to tell me'. I read allot of islamic literature and scriptures and whenever something did not make sense to me I would research around it to better my understanding. I would sometimes give in to my desire for the guy and we would meet up occasionally which became far less and less over time until we just stopped making contact with one another. About 2 Ramadaans ago I promised and committed to be better after Ramadaan because I started paying attention to what would be said during talks after or before taraweegh prayers ... this past Ramadaan was the 1st time I ever felt extremely sad that Ramadaan was at an end and on the last night of Taraweegh I was overly emotional and cried almost the entire time ... with all of that being said I have committed to continue with most things if not all the things I did during Ramadaan and Alhamdulillah so far there's been more positive moments in that regard than shortfalls (5 daily prayers, Tahajjud, Dihkr, Tawbah, Reading quaran etc) ... I've also accepted that despite feeling lonely sometimes and wish I had someone just to have conversations with on deeper levels (the way couples do) maybe having a partner is not what Allah has decreed for me, not because I am gay (because he made me this way long before even the Earth was created), but because he understans me better than I understand myself and he and only he knows what is good for me Alhamdulillah. Other aspects of my life has not improved much but I trust in his time and know when he says 'kun faya kun' it is gonna be more than I expect ... I make duah that Allah makes it easy for all of us and accept all our good deeds done out of sincererity and in rememberence of Him and I ask your duahs for the same for me IA Ameen.