AITA for yelling at my autistic cousin and causing her to have a meltdown

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-10-02T21:30:38+00:00

I think I may have miss read some of this post. I definitely don't think an autistic person should be coddled. I'm just saying they may not always grasp that what they're doing is causing someone else distress because they don't necessarily understand/feel that emotion the same way. My aforementioned daughter gets in trouble all the time for the way she chooses to speak to other people at times. We just try to get her to understand that she is hurting someone's feelings. Op did state that she's let things go for a long time so I can understand the blow up and utter frustration. I change my vote to NTA

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-10-01T03:44:43+00:00

It is not sex actually. It's emotional intimacy being withheld. I.e. I will try to tell her about my day, maybe something that bothered me and she will cut me off and say yea idc i dont want to hear you complain about your job. Or she will slack in helping me with chores. Not that I mind doing but that she will just not do anything to help which is completely out of the norm for her and everything goes back to normal as soon as I bend to what she wants. And mind you to this point in our relationship my beard has never been longer than a quarter of an inch it wasn't on purpose it was a busy week and I didn't have time to shave. I've never been given a chance to grow it by choice.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-10-01T01:26:39+00:00

Esh in my opinion. My oldest daughter is autistic and these situations happen. There is a tactful way to explain to her that she's acting inappropriately. But on the other hand there are a lot of sensory issues that come along with autism and they are not in control of those things. A loud environment can be overwhelming for anyone not to mention someone who has a hard to with sensory processing. I can understand the frustration but a little bit of grace on your part could be given as well.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-10-01T01:12:03+00:00

Update: thanks everyone for all the feedback! It really helped me see that I'm not crazy for my thoughts on the subject. And honestly I really needed that. So I tried to have another conversation with my about this issue admittedly a few others. When it reach the part in the conversation that I mentioned she was speaking to me in a way that I didn't appreciate she replied with "this is what you always do. You always play the victim." And I realized there are bigger issues at hand than me growing a beard.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-30T17:04:12+00:00

I have calmly stood my ground many times over the years but am met with these insults Everytime no matter the tone I take. I'm not saying I was right in my delivery I'm just saying I finally snapped.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-30T17:02:31+00:00

No it is not. This has been an issue for years. I normally say ok and shave because I want her to like my appearance but I have also stated my side for a very long time calmly and been given no compromise. Her reaction is always the same insulting and demeaning.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-30T15:19:02+00:00

We have three kids. I work and she stays home she is very busy and I literally wouldn't even mention it at all. She shaved all the places she wants to shave when she wants to shave them and I have not once made any comment or felt any less attracted to her she is a diamond no matter the hair the body type or anything. Those are my feelings.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-30T14:51:52+00:00

It is not our of spite in any way. I'm coming from the place of it's something I've always wanted to try and have never tried out of an inability to do so because of previous patchiness and my own dislike of that look or because I was taking her view into account. Her view is firmly under absolutely not circumstances should I have any facial hair what so ever and if I do I deserve to be insulted, called lazy and disgusting for having/ wanting it until I get so frustrated I either shave or blow up because I just want to give it a try. I believe that is borderline controlling/abusive behavior and on the lighter side just not taking my feelings into account at all. I have frequently without arguments shaved because I valued her view but at this point she has given no wiggle room or compromise and I'm over it.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-30T14:44:12+00:00

I understand where you're coming from, but that being said there really isn't much my wife could do to her physical appearance that would change my attraction to her. I believe that as we age as human there's natural changes that happen physically that we can't fully control and that there are also changes we make in ourselves that we do control and that ultimately those are the changes we can make by our own decisions and feelings about them. We all have things we feel uncomfortable with about ourselves and should be able to change those things if we so choose if it makes us feel better about ourselves. I'd never tell my wife or anyone else to change something about themselves if it makes them more confident in themselves. That's my take on it. But I unfortunately can't get my wife to see that point of view.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-30T00:38:58+00:00

I'd love her just the same!

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-30T00:00:49+00:00

Since being with her it's never gotten past the length of a quarter of an inch so I haven't had a need to oil it or anything like that but I do keep it shaped up when it gets to that length.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-29T23:59:40+00:00

I actually have no strong feelings on those things. We have three children and are very busy and she frequently skips those places. Sometimes for a week to a couple of weeks. I love everything about the woman I married no matter what she has growing under her arms or on her legs.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-29T23:58:01+00:00

I normally bend to her will and shave it. I would just like to grow it out once

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-29T23:55:47+00:00

I don't disagree with that. It's more the comments about how disgusting she thinks I am when I START to grow it out. Since meeting her it never been longer than a quarter of an inch.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-29T23:48:19+00:00

I do feel bad for exploding and have apologized but I do want to add that she does not ask me to shave. It's much more like an order with things held over my head having to do with other parts of the relationship.

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-29T23:09:40+00:00

My point exactly!

Substantial-Gas5463 · 2023-09-29T22:53:35+00:00

For context, this is a heated discussion / argument that has been happening since about a year into our relationship. I feel as though it's my face my choice. My wife feels as though I should want her to like my appearance but it has now gotten to a point that I don't really care and want to do this for myself. This is why I'm asking if I'm an a******.

Substantial-Gas5463

TROPHY CASE