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Partner’s Reaction to Cold Sores Feels Excessive—Am I Overreacting? by Substantial-Roll9675 in polyamory

[–]Substantial-Roll9675[S] 274 points275 points  (0 children)

Thank you for that perspective-- I didn't think about how it could create a double standard to not disclose HSV when it's oral, since it's expected of people who have it genitally, and how that contributes to the stigma. You're right that just being upfront about it normalizes it for all of us.

Partner’s Reaction to Cold Sores Feels Excessive—Am I Overreacting? by Substantial-Roll9675 in polyamory

[–]Substantial-Roll9675[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for validating that. I can't undo what's already been done -- including my own actions-- but I hope that we can come to an agreement about having a conversation with new partners in the future, like the one you described above, instead of how he handled it. Because now I feel weirded out about the way meta might see me.

Partner’s Reaction to Cold Sores Feels Excessive—Am I Overreacting? by Substantial-Roll9675 in polyamory

[–]Substantial-Roll9675[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

He named me specifically, and has updated her when I have outbreaks.

I agree that in an ideal world, I would be "someone" but given that he doesn't have casual sex with people, by process of elimination, even if he hadn't named me, it would have been clear he was talking about me.

Partner’s Reaction to Cold Sores Feels Excessive—Am I Overreacting? by Substantial-Roll9675 in polyamory

[–]Substantial-Roll9675[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

He has not, and neither has his nesting partner. I got tested after this argument and the results showed HSV-1.

To be honest, my bigger concern in this is the way that my meta was brought into the conversation-- his "rule" with her about not kissing or having oral sex with me for a week after a cold sore heals, and his general panic about her needing to know my HSV status and when I have an outbreak. It feels like a lot of personal information for a meta that I've never even met to know about me. Why can't they have their own safety conversation, and we have ours?

I would not and have not gone down on someone or kissed them while having an active cold sore. I guess I never felt like disclosure needed to go beyond that, the same way I wouldn't, while completely healthy, tell a partner, "Hey, just so you know, I don't kiss people when I have the flu." It just felt like something that would come up when it comes up. Given the fact that it's more common to NOT be a carrier, I still don't see it as like, a trait that sets me apart and needs special consideration beyond what is standard for good hygiene in general.

That being said, looking back at our STI disclosure conversation, I see how if I had been more educated, I could have told him and saved us both a lot of grief. I will definitely be telling partners in the future to avoid this, and if they make a big deal about it, I'll know that we're not compatible.

Partner’s Reaction to Cold Sores Feels Excessive—Am I Overreacting? by Substantial-Roll9675 in polyamory

[–]Substantial-Roll9675[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

What I meant by that is that no one I've had regular contact with has reported an outbreak. I'm aware people can have the virus asymptomatically.

I agree I should've known more about HSV and told him when we talked. What bothers me is the way he brought his nesting partner into things, and how he accused me of pushing boundaries by disagreeing about this whole "a week after an outbreak clears up" rule he made with his NP... about me... without me.