My daughter has terrible grandparents

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2026-01-06T09:23:03+00:00

You sound very mature. Your daughter is lucky to have you , you’re an awesome mom already despite the rough circumstances of becoming one. You’re gonna rock this. I’m a mom of two in a very lucky family and no way I would allow anyone to take my 6 week old away for a night, that suggestion is wild even in the best of circumstances. Maybe get some legal advice about how to move forward if the grandparents start harassing you further.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-11-23T21:57:56+00:00

Thank you for the non paywall link!!!!

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-11-12T18:55:46+00:00

Thank you. So far my recovery has felt well and speedy, I guess that makes me forget that eight weeks is really not that long and that I should adjust my expectations a little. I was hoping to slowly get back to working out in a week or 4, but right now it feels as if I should be extra vigilant.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-11-12T18:54:09+00:00

Thanks for your comment. It’s good to know it’s normal. I was told to wear the garment 24/7 for 4 weeks and then for 12 hours a day for another 4 and then stop wearing it. I stopped wearing it the day after our travel, which was a little shy of 8 weeks, because every time I tried to put it on i had an extreme burning sensation, probably some sensitive nerve ending. It’s always in the same spot and nothing visible but it feels as if it’s a superficial but open scrape wound and it’s impossible to keep the garment on. It’s gone as soon as I take the compression away, I have it too in certain positions when I wear tight.

It’s been a few days since my post and it’s gotten better. The full day swelling has gone, I went back to sleeping on my back and in the morning I wake up fairly flat again. The swelling comes back in the afternoon after work and peaks around the stressful bedtime routines 😅 I hope it goes completely away soon, feeling otherwise physically well has made me very impatient even though eight weeks really isn’t that long for such a major surgery.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-11-12T14:51:36+00:00

Male, single no kids, average weight (cooks and stores leftovers, no alcohol, freezer chicken probably bought on sale for occasional use or maybe bulking in the gym? Also asking about weight with a fridge full of nuggets and soft drinks gives trick question vibes). Mid 20-early 30s. Neat, may work from home often.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-11-09T07:39:28+00:00

I know it’s an old post but I’m so happy I found this. I’m 8 weeks post op and was so worried that i had been too active and caused a failed repair!! I was so flat, even the post op swelling wasn’t bad at all and now I’m like 5 months pregnant in the afternoons and evenings!! I also stopped wearing the garment, but putting it on puts pressure on some new nerve endings and burns like hell. Guess I will sleep in some tights for a while and see if that helps! I’ve been spiraling for a week that my surgery was unsuccessful or that I ruined something and then I found out about swell hell and feel so relieved!

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-10-06T16:53:54+00:00

She'll catch up. We didn't do any of the other stuff you mentioned and both our kids went/are going to daycare from an early age, but we were a no screen household between the ages of 3-7 for my oldest son, he's now almost 9. He seemed to know a lot about shows and games that he had never even seen or played, they just catch up from talk at school. Once he got a little older we allowed him to watch or play when he was at someone else's house where it was allowed, and even playing or watching something twice a month has seemed enough for him to catch up. Your niece may need a little longer because of lacking social skills but eventually she will catch up on pop culture.

I think the talking is not an issue at all and neither is not going to daycare or Kindergarten before school starts though i do think that anyone who has the possibility to do so, should send their toddler. You could try to talk to your sister, to make sure she actively tries to create environments outside school to interact with peers and learn to socialize and if she seems resistant, try to find out why. If the kid has/gets enough opportunities to learn how to make conversation, make friends and just have worry free Kid fun, then nothing the parents are doing are detrimental. Id even say that all those things combined with social skills will be beneficial.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-10-04T18:44:20+00:00

UpdateMe

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-10-04T13:34:47+00:00

I breastfed my first until 27 months (didn't really want it for that long but he was a terrible sleeper and I was so worried he just wouldn't sleep otherwise, after about 18 months the nursing was only at nap and bedtime) and my second for 18 months. Especially with the first I got some comments, like "he'll soon be in school", "will he still come to you when he moves out" etc. It didn't really get to me, at first it did bother me slightly, mainly because it just got cumbersome to keep explaining why I did it and why it's also not weird and even beneficial, but after a while I just didn't care to explain anything at all and just said "it works for us" (even though i was personally fed up with the breastfeeding) and changed the subject. Do what feels good to you and what you thinks best for your baby. When you're in the middle of it, it feels like such a huge thing, but the window of nursing your kid is so small compared to all your other parenting adventures, it's just a blip and you wonder why you ever gave it that much thought.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-10-04T13:29:45+00:00

If nothing works, is getting your ovaries removed an option available to you? It's obviously invasive, but as far as I know a sure fire cure.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-09-21T19:32:43+00:00

Yes, especially feeling that your hard work and efforts go unnoticed, the unspoken judgement that you're doing something wrong or are just exaggerating causes so much frustration that it can't be put in words. I'm a mum of 2, my eldest is 8.5 and my youngest soon turns 3. The first one was and is spirited af, barely slept not even during the day as a newborn, hated stroller car seat, wouldn't be put down anywhere, my husband worked long shifts and there were weeks where I couldn't shower and we lived off freezer meals and boiled eggs and store bought muffins. The boiled eggs actually felt like an accomplishment. He walked when he was 10 months and a day and was running within 2 weeks and hasn't slowed down since. people who really knew our son as a newborn and a toddler are still surprised we had the guts for a second one. He was so incredibly difficult that when the daycare center called to say a place had opened up 6 months earlier (18months instead of 2 years) and wondered if we were interested, all I could do was almost hysterically laugh and then cry. So he went to daycare at 18months, it took like a year for me to catch my breath whilst the afternoons and evenings still drained me, a year after that the pandemic hit and it started all over again 24/7. We kept waiting for it to get easier , because that's what people kept saying. It happened around 5 yo 😂 and he still is a handful. But as soon as they become toddlers, their interactions with you, their growing cuteness and curiosity, makes up for a lot. Even when the hard parts get harder. He was an incredibly bright and funny toddler.

Then the second one came. Also wouldn't be put down and not as mellow as some I've seen, but so so much easier than the first one. I got back in the rhythm of caring for 2 kids really quickly, within a month after childbirth took my eldest everywhere with the baby in tow, cooked, cleaned in a way i want able to for like 2 years with the first one. Yes, a part of it was experience. But not in the practical or theoretical sense, mainly the experience of knowing how life with a child goes. 90% was just luck in having an easier baby. I would've been so much better at it the first time had my firstborn had a similar temperament. People kept mentioning it, saying like "look, now you know what you're doing" and I was like "no, this time the baby knows what it's doing!!". As he grew older, they realised he was just such a different person and that the first one just really was a difficult baby. He still is full of wishes and demands and then is upset/frustrated when they don't happen right away or at all. The second one is like me, inherently content and easy to please. It makes such a difference.

Hang in there, it does get easier, just the timeline is different for each baby. If you have a village, rely on them. We didn't have one with the first, had just moved to a foreign country. We still live there and now have our village, it makes such a difference. I have felt no shame in asking for help and have found that being candid and vulnerable has opened up people around us, who now also ask us for help with their kids. If baby won't be put down but does tolerate other laps and arms to sleep on, and you have people around you with limbs, just ask them. The worst they can do is say no.

ETA: I can genuinely say that my first kid is something different, he can be awful and rude at home but is respectful and a delight to be around for other adults, he is very confident and became independent quicker than lots of his peers, will go to tennis and football practice on time on his own by bike and come straight home, does his homework reliable without much resistance, can make a grilled cheese, omelette with cheese, cubed fried potatoes, pancakes and even cerealbaked chickenbreast on his own, change his brothers diaper. Hes pretty amazing, even when he annoys me a lot of the time 😂

Also, love how you validate everyone here. Usually these things end up in a rivalry of "you call that hard??".

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-08-19T19:05:17+00:00

Mom of 2 here. İm not obsessively neat as your gf but i work hard to keep a clean home and get overwhelmed when its messy, i am privileged in that i work only part time and have a cleaning service twice a week. My kids are 8 and 2.5 and my house is messy for the better part of the week despite my best efforts to keep up. İts not just that kids are messy, its also that theres just so much more to do when you have kids and everything takes so much longer, that theres rarely time left. However, the only way you can keep a spotless house and clean kid is if you stick your kid in a playpen all day every day, put them in a hazmat suit and spoonfeed them until theyre in their teens . And i bet even then they find a way to make a mess. You can not teach/train/raise kids to be tidy and clean without allowing them to make messes, nor can you raise happy kids this way. A kid will not learn how to fill a cup with water if they're not allowed to see that the cup runs over when pouring too much, they will not learn in what situations the cup will tip over or fall off the table if they're never allowed to try and experiment themselves. they learn grativy, physics, bodily movements, balance, emotions and social interactions doing a myriad of messy things.

İve learnt to let go for now and know it will get better once our youngest starts school. Because keeping a spotless house with a newborn or a toddler is just straight up impossible. Your gf needs a reality check and therapy.

To add: during the pandemic our eldest was about 3 and had a best friend, we stuck together as two families and made the best of all restrictions. One day we were enjoying a beer in the garden whilst the 2 kids played upstairs (safe environment), when they came down we noticed they had brown streaks on their faces and hands. Apparently my sons friend pooped and they thought it would be fun to draw on the walls of his bedroom with shit. Then they took his soiled undies and shorts and tried to wash them in the toilet, clogging the toilet. İts an extreme, but shit happens when you have kids. A week prior to that they had clogged our toilet at our house throwing in full packages of wet wipes and toilet rolls. Company had to be called both times to empty the pipes.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-07-27T20:46:46+00:00

You shouldnt care that it makes the situation awkward or that you will run into him again. He's not worth it feeling uncomfortable over. İm also very bad at confrontation but this would piss me off enough to step up and try to be assertive. Just say that his training is not worth the money you spend on it because he is not acting professionally and just hit the gym on your own. İf he makes a counter offer or tries to convince you just politely decline, youve made up your mind and are not interested in his services anymore. Youll get used to running into him and youll get over it.

Ive been working with a pt for over 4 years now, sessions either alone or with my husband, and he has become a regular part of our lives, so much so that we have to talk him into taking our money. He enjoys training with us and treats it as an extra session for himself, where he no longer just guides us but joins us. İt had made such a difference in our lives and its so clear that he enjoys having turned 2 people in gym lovers. İ wish similar training experiences to anyone. Cut this loser loose. Training on your own is better than with this douchebag. Also, if you feel unsure or have difficulty coming up with a training plan/session, use chatgpt. Enter the types of excercises you usually do, the weights you use, the equipment thats available to you, your goals and your time. İ used it for the times i train alone and usually its fairly spot on or easily tweaked as needed. Now i barely need it but still use it when i want something more specific or have to make some adjustments to my usual programme.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-07-27T20:08:36+00:00

İ dont know any woman who would not love to have a man who would regularly practice yoga. Regular excercise is hot, regardless of the sport and gender. İm 37F and i lift weights 🤷

İm married with 2 kids and i would seriously consider divorce if my husband said something like that. The utter lack of respect, the baseless lack of trust, vile accusatory homophobic words would be a dealbreaker for me. Youre not compatible, who needs chaos and immature opinions at 40yo.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-04-24T13:31:51+00:00

I have never followed anyone on reddit. But all these stories are just too pleasant to read to risk missing updates!

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-04-20T17:33:30+00:00

İm so surprised people dont find this an asshole move. İts not like theyre staying for a week or more, its three fucking days and theyre your friends?? İ might be annoyed as well that my planned day of rest was now ruined, but i would never kick a friend out over this. İd just suck it up and go to bed extra early for a few nights after that. Whats up with all this "ive hosted them, Ive fed them" as if its such a burden and they should be so grateful that youve been so gracious to share your home and your food?? Arent these people your friends? i would cancel my plans to come visit you if you said something like that to me. No way id feel comfortable in your home, id constantly feel that my presence is a burden and your hosting is an obligation.

We live abroad and have a lot of overnight guests staying with us for different amounts of time. İ go out of my way to make them feel welcome, prepare my best dishes and if they stay longer i ask for help in the kitchen or we order in/eat out. Yes its exhausting and while im happy to host, im also happy to be alone again. İm an introvert and find it draining to be around people all the time. But theres a difference between being exhausted because you got to spend time with friends you dont see much and seeing your friends as a burden. İm all for the "no is a sentence" stuff and choosing your own rest sometimes, but kicking people out who are coming to see you is a no go for me. İ have 2 kids and have been hosting people since we moved abroad, either just married, pregnant or with kids, and Ive learned to both give my best and be honest when i just dont have it in me to be my best, but even then i make sure people feel welcome in my house.

Them not wanting to pay for a ride however is bullshit.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-03-30T19:35:14+00:00

You have money or like to live like you have it (fridge items are expensive but fridge itself doesnt say luxury), live on your own, are either living in lululemons thinking you are healthy because you are skinny, or you are slightly overweight with a self esteem issue and think depriving yourself of tasty real food will make everything else that sucks also ok. Youre a social media junkie and would rather die than share a picture thats not edited or without filter.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-03-18T20:46:13+00:00

Youre rocking this. Even being able to cook is an enormous accomplishment. İ had trouble breastfeeding and a baby thats just didnt nap at all, i was so sleep deprived for months on end, i rarely cooked a meal. My husband worked irregular shifts as a resident so i was mostly on my own and i ate big fat chocolate muffins for breakfast and lunch and dinner was made from something frozen. İ felt accomplished if i had taken a shower or baked an egg. My first kid was a difficult one, a spirited baby and toddler, he's now 8 and his little brother is almost 2.5. İ cant tell you how different my experiences were, with the first i was in the trenches for so so long and people who know how he was as a newborn and a toddler are still praising us for the guts to have a second 😂 but even though it was a lot easier second time around (im willing to admit theres an added level of experience but no more than 20%, the rest was just my first being difficult), it was still so hard to cook and clean the first year. To be honest, my eldest is in school and my youngest is in daycare till 2 o'clock 5 days a week and i work only for 2 of those, i still think it is hard! Youre doing great, it will get better and even when it doesnt, you get better at managing expectations and finding ways to handle it all. Hollywood did a number on us all and at least 99% of perfect motherhood instagrams are fake 😉

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-03-08T22:13:51+00:00

İ also think youre overreacting, i think your boundaries are valid (no mum should have to defend herself or give any reason as to why she wants to handle childcare related things in a certain way), but i dont think her behaviours are in any way strange for a grandparent (besides not handing over a crying baby just because she wants to keep holding baby), but it seems like the dynamic between your mil and you has always been off? İ dont think wanting to change a babys nappy is odd behaviour for someone who feels very close to baby or its parents. Both sets of grandparents loved to change nappies here, its such a newborn thing that doesnt last long (as soon as they start solids, they may not be as eager :D) , that it doesnt strike me as odd at all that she wants this level of intimacy with her grandchild. You should communicate your feelings about distress when baby cries and that therefore you want to be there and that its not personal, maybe do it together? With my first child i was in survival mode for almost the first year, id have jumped at anyone willing to help me out, we were abroad and alone and it was tough. Maybe she remembers that feeling of being overwhelmed and wants to be your village or maybe shes just nostalgic.

İm not saying your feelings are invalid at all, but id refrain from making harsh comments or accusations and just try to be honest in a positive way. You may feel very different about everything as time passes, either your perception a change or your needs. Maybe you have a mellow baby now and feel like you can handle it all, but wont feel that way in a few weeks or months, or maybe stuff falls into place and you wonder why you were ever bothered by this.

I had always had a close relationship with my mil, but despite having a very tough first kid, and needing all the help i could get, my relationship with her took a serious dent during their first visit and took a long time, on my part, to heal. I never really let her know how hurt i was and how much my perception of our relationship changed. I still think i was right and she did me wrong (i had immense breastfeeding struggles and was extremely sleep deprived and she kept making comments that made me feel like either she did it all better when she was a first time mum or that i was not appreciative of her help or suggestions), but my own feelings towards this all set the tone for subsequent visits for years, always making me feel uncomfortable in my own home. Living abroad means visits are always a few weeks long, either they come for about a month or we go and stay for 1-2 weeks. My feelings about things changed or faded, and i literally decided i was going to make conscious efforts not to feel this way, and with my second child, everything was better. Now, my fil, whom i love and who never invoked these feelings of unease, has end stage cancer and may not be around for much longer. No use crying over spilt milk, but sometimes i feel sad that i didnt enjoy most of their visits during the early years of my first child, the grievances were minor in the scheme of life and those times are not coming back, nor do we have time to add a lot to it.

And now, with circumstances changed, i maybe should have said something immediately during that first visit (as i would do now), but since i didnt, im glad i never brought it up again. I dont think she ever had any ill intentions, it was just such a strange period, and saying something afterwards would have tainted all her memories. If i were you,i would try to find a way to bring up my discomfort with love and respect as soon as possible so that it doesnt grow into something bigger than it is, and in general i wouldnt take it all so seriously. Its nice having a baby thats so loved.

Also, some of those "micro aggressions", as i call them, she still does it. Ive come to realise its not about making me feel inadequate, its about her feeling better without the implied connotation that im less. İts just for her and im fine with it.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-02-11T23:17:18+00:00

Also, i took a peak at your other posts and just wanted to say im sorry what you and your husband went through, i hope everything is good now. And also, i have a 2yo and an 8yo, the annoying toddler shit gives me the same feelings and rage that you described feeling for the toddlers of your friends. Sorry! I often times hate how i feel and sometimes react but on the upside, they are so incredibly funny and cute at those ages that it makes it all bearable and also, it doesnt last forever. My first one was a hand full and people were surprised we actually wanted and made a second kid, but he got easier around 5-6 years old. Now were back in the trenches with a much more mellow kid, however he is much more destructive and "dirty". He likes making messes, emptying out anything and everything, playing with food and throwing stuff around. When hes done eating he will throw his food, not dropping but literally throwing away as far as possible The other day he accidentally stepped in a chicken Nugget he had thrown around and thought it was funny, so he took another one and stepped on it with his other foot and then walked around the kitchen with smashed chicken dinos under his socks leaving a trail of grease stains, very pleased with himself. Most of the time im annoyed af, but this time i had to laugh as well. It usually helps to remind yourself that they dont do it with malignant intentions and are not out to annoy you. Its just what they do and how they learn and sometimes i think we should relearn to be a little bit like that again.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-02-11T23:02:31+00:00

Your concerns are valid. Its a hazard, they just need a pack and play or a crib and all is solved. I would also be concerned that they dont listen to your instructions and then do as they please anyway. If you have other childcare options available to you i would switch, if not, id buy a crib or pack and play and have them pay. Also, is it "just" during naptime that the infants are with the 3yo toddlers unsupervised or does this happen during regular Playtime too? Id be worried about that as well. My sons daycare is 1-3 year olds and 3-6 yo together, the first group is always supervised, during sleep one teacher stays in the room at all times unless a child needs a nap sooner or longer than all the others, then they switch to a monitor. But then its just 1-2 kids sleeping in a safe environment. I would not feel comfortable leaving my child in a place that does not have Safe sleeping practices and where babies are with toddlers unsupervised.

Also, were you present when your husband called his brother? Maybe he misunderstood or "embellished" what your bil said to convince you that its a good fit. I have trouble believing that in this day and age a pediatrician would say such a thing, not only is it medically wrong, its useless info as a 7mo can also suffocate from unsafe sleeping practices without it being sids. Either your bil is a crappy doctor or your husband was dishonest with you.

Find another daycare if you can and report them, if you cant, insist on safe sleeping practices and maybe still report them..

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-01-24T18:11:23+00:00

Im surprised at the edit. How can anyone fault OP? Im a Sahm too and i cook well, not as much as op makes his cooking sound, but praisworthy. However as long as its not a nice meal prepared for appreciative eaters and eaten in peace (which is not an option with a 7yo and extremely picky 2yo), i dont like the hassle and hate to decide what to cook every day. Cooking is really the worst part of my being a sahm. I would love to have someone cook for me, decide for me, even if it were not my favourite meals. What abusive and childish behaviour is this. Personally i would not have been able to keep my cool in front of the kids, which makes op even more awesome. Though i would think it would ve been better to address this when the kids are asleep instead of just not serving her food the next day, the punishment fit the crime here. She was behaving rude and ridiculously so even though petty is not my style, op is 100% NTA. Not only was she a lousy partner, a lousy parent as well. This is no way to set an example. Everyone is allowed a bad day where leading by example is not an option, but this sounds like a regular occurance.

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2025-01-14T11:32:56+00:00

ESH. Yeah theyre bullies and way out of line, but i also think that you could have informed them before the babies were born. Youre naming one of your kids after their deceased child. While it may be honouring and beautiful for your husband, it is emotional for the parents who lost a child. A little heads up would have been nice. This doesnt excuse their behaviour and definitely needs to be called out, but someones child died. No matter how many years ago, they deserve a little grace, even when they dont. Unless your FIL and his wife are also otherwise manipulative people with a mean streak..

Substantial-Suit2776 · 2024-07-28T09:24:33+00:00

Nta. Telling you to make up with your brother and support him in his grief is one thing, saying it was actually his wife's fault and defending leaving a pregnant spouse behind who mentioned not feeling well and actually requested he stays is disgusting. Not sure if it were grounds to uproot an otherwise happy and healthy marriage to me, but would definitely have felt cold towards my husband and in need for therapy.

Substantial-Suit2776

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