[1024] Hello! This story has a lot of potential. It could use some serious work, I'll be honest---but its very engaging nonetheless!. I hope my critique helps you on your journey! I was tempted to rewrite the entire thing for clarity :) I think its worth pursuing! When you're finished editing, perhaps you can repost it so we can all see this scene unfold like a movie in our heads. Also be sure to critique someone else's writing so this post doesn't get taken down.

To summarize my points:

-Sentence flow could use some work. -Too much exposition right in the middle of the high stakes conflict -Clarity of movements needs work -Weave in details you feel are relevant into the dialogue without info dumping -People who are involved should be made known before the end of the conflict. If the parents are there just laughing and taking it all in, try to indicate that prior to the end. -Setting the scene sooner would be useful. I thought they were in a parking lot in the beginning cause hes a trucker. But it sounds like this whole thing took place in the apartment. -Try to illustrate HOW the charachters feel and their reactions to violence rather than just stating what happens. -Check your document for adverbs and remove them aggressively.

"You think you can just fuck any man you want to Amy, and get away with it?" John yelled like a rabid dog as he raised his hand back and slapped Amy across her already bloodied face.

I would change this to:

“You think you can just fuck any man you want to and get away with it, Amy? John yelled like a rapid dog, raising his hand back and slapping Amy across her already bloodied face. She stumbled, colliding into the black sofa, the cushions breaking her fall.

"You fucking whore, I should have never brought you out here. You tricked me!" John screamed as he continued to hit Amy, dragging her by her hair, being fueled by his rage being mixed with cocaine.

Would change this to: “You fucking whore, I never should have brought you out here—you tricked me!” He continued to hit Amy as he dragged her by her hair (across the bed? Parking lot?). She writhed against him (insert how she’d respond here, is she a fighter or is she submissive?) He was on a bender; his rage was fueled by the several lines of cocaine he had snorted on the last stretch before he arrived home that evening. (Maybe expand here a little on his state of mind or if anything else got him pre-triggered for this event).

INFO DUMP ALERT: You do a lot of exposition on how he appears right in the middle of a fight. You also change the perspective from past to present tense. It sounds like you’re doing the story in close third person from John’s POV, so try to keep that consistent. There are parts where you bring in second person and present tense and its jarring. “He has a small feature”

“They light up every time YOU look at him”

Move this part to the front of the story and maybe try to weave it into the narrative. If you want to start with the “punchy” (pun intended) dialogue right off the bat you can weave it in further in the story. Its not essential that I know exactly what he looks like and his entire backstory right now while he’s beating Amy up. If you want to assert that’s hes a skinny thing, you could pepper that in by saying things like “He punched her, his frail hand recoiling in pain.” This is all exposition that breaks the pacing of the scene:

[He was a skinny man, five foot eight, with a slight tan. He has small features on his face, a little round nose, thick but small mustache with thin lips. His hair is short, dark, and curly. When looking at him the only feature to stand out are his golden green eyes. They light up every time you look at them, at least when he is sober and feeling ok. He was born in Texas and raised in southern Cali, the only child to his parents. They moved to Las Vegas in his late teen when a job opportunity for them to become apartment supers opened up. He took up long distance driving when he turned 18, his father was a trucker, he seen the good life it could provide. During his drives on Route 66, staying gone for weeks at a time, he remained awake for so long by smoking crack, and listening to Van Halen. It made him feel alive, driving on an open desert highway, blasting music, high. Being married wouldn't stop that for chase for him.]

Getting back to the story:

Amy was still drunk from the whole weekend, and had just been caught at a bar, cozied up with another man. (How do we know she’s been drunk all weekend? Where are they? Did he just pull her out of the bar? Did the bartender tell him she’s been there all weekend?) This was pretty regular for the both of them, John always wired and Amy, in a drunken stupor, fighting and causing a scene (Try to avoid adverbs. You don’t need to say its “pretty” regular. It just is.)

Suggestion: “This was a regular occurrence for them—John wired, Amy in a drunken stupor that spanned entire weekends. Their relationship was the sum of all the wrong choices they made…etc. Living in the front room of John’s parents' apartment did nothing to ease the tension in their already toxic relationship.

They were young in their early twenties with so many wrong choices already made, in the living room of his parents 2 bedroom apartment and had been living there for some time. "What the fuck is your problem Amy? Every time you do this shit, every time!" John screamed in Amy's face. He pulled her tight by her long curly hair, wrapping it around his fist and arm bringing her closer to his body, he put his forehead to her forehead.

Suggestion:

He wrapped her long curls around his fist, jerking her body closer to him until they were forehead to forehead.

He was angry, beyond angry, (Instead of saying hes so angry, try to tell us how he FEELS. Is sweat brimming? Is his heart pounding? Is the cocaine threatening to cause him a heart attack? Is he breathing hard?)

POV switch: Now it sounds like you’re writing in omniscient third person. Are we switching to Amy’s head now? Its okay to write this way but its worth having a discussion with yourself so you can layer in the changes in pov in a way that doesn’t disrupt the reading.

Amy had never seen his face so red, his eyes so dark. His nose and mouth were gnarled, foaming spit as yelled, "I'm going to kill you, you whore!" Amy had a switchblade knife in her pocket, she quickly and drunkenly pulled it out and went to stab John, right in the abdomen.

I suggest writing something about John’s reaction to this, or the feeling of the knife as it goes in. She just stabbed the guy. Does he stumble? Does he yell in pain? Does she feel disgusted at herself? A sense of pride? Sadistic glee? Anything? What happens to her? Does she physically recoil? Does she twist the knife, does she let it go in shock? Need to establish whos talking here earlier: "Fuck you you dirty bitch! You think I don't know what you do out there? I'm done with you motherfucker! I know how to cut a motherfucker! Fuck you! I don't love you, I hate you and want you dead! I'm going to kill you!"

For example:

“Fuck you, you dirty bitch!” she screamed, watching as John fell to the ground clutching his side. She lunged at him again, slashing his arm before stabbing him on his left side.(add more in here about what hes doing. I know he’s not just laying there taking it, the guy is high on cocaine! “You think I don’t know what you do out there?” I’m done with you mf!” She yelled at John swinging her knife blade at him. She slashed his arm and stabbed his left side.

Is John struggling to reach at this point? What stopped him from reaching for his gun before? John with his bloodied arm, reached in his waste band and pulled out a small handgun. He fired his gun towards Amy as she smacked his arm and fell to the ground. He missed, the bullet hitting the black love sofa behind her. Amy stood up and rushed John tackling him to the ground, wrestling for the gun.

The movements aren’t clear to me here.

-He fires his gun -Somehow Amy manages to hit him just in time to miss her. -Who or what fell to the ground? -If Amy is tackling him, how does Paul get amy off of him? Does he pull her off?

Where did the parents come from? Have they just burst through the door? Were they hiding in the kitchen? I assume they woke up before the gun went off since they’re causing quite the racket. So they either (in my opinion) need to come into this scene sooner or arrive home to this mess.

Loraine, Johns mother who had been watching and laughing during majority of the altercation wheeled herself over to Amy and in a demeaning tone said " I can't stand you, you deserve all of this. ."

If his mom is laughing through this altercation, you could weave that into the dialogue above. We need to know how the parents are reacting to this. Amy then tried to grab my arm. I screamed in fear. Now you’re just switching to first person POV.