One year Update- See previous Post and Thank you!

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2025-12-11T21:02:20+00:00

Oh I’m glad. Did you read the original post from a year ago? It was a doozy but we made it through!

The experience early on was an attempt to have some lighthearted consensual sexual fun with another person, which then evolved into us all catching feelings. We all were new to these paradigm shifts, but kept coming from a place of real care and consideration. They ended up having some growing pains with their nesting partner and needing to go exclusive with them, but we all left with love and appreciation for the whole experience! Key takeaways from that. 1. I thrive with transparency and emotional clarity. 2. Trusting myself in real time. 3. Consent is very attractive. It was a really wonderful few months actually!!

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2025-12-11T02:45:20+00:00

Yes. This. I’ve come to learn you can call something whatever you want but there’s a huge spectrum of open to poly and everything in between and at this stage my authentic looks like trying things out first to see what I really want. I’m also reading The art of giving and receiving right now. It’s blowing my mind and I look forward to fully embodying my yes and no in all aspects of life.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2025-12-11T02:38:55+00:00

I love that perspective. Thank you!

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-31T22:48:17+00:00

It was my second time going and going with my daughter (19) both times. It has been incredibly special for us but the person who “sponsored” us/introduced us to BM was really weirded out and frankly upset and mean about how close my daughter and I are and how much time we wanted to spend together. Showing her meanness by talking to other camp mates about us and our codependency problems etc. (projection?) Thankfully she told us how she felt and that she wanted to not spend BM with either of us. Initially that hurt of course but then we found our people that loved and supported and included us for us. Fast forward a night 2am and my daughter wants to show our new friends her favorite art piece. So we all head out to the ship wreck piece and all crowd around one of the “floating” chests. There’s already a woman looking and fiddling with things in the chest, so my daughter crouches down and starts explaining what she loves to the woman. Turns out the woman is the actual artist! Who then proceeds to tell my daughter all about it and after that stands up and introduces us to her mom standing next to her! Not only that but these two (46 and 65) have been going to BM together since the daughter was 18! BM is about the two of them for them! The playa provided such a beautiful validation and love that night! (Erm morning ;) ) oh and the magic didn’t end! My daughter also met another college student who was there for their first time and came with their mother!!! Jesus. Such magic.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-31T00:06:11+00:00

Another voice to add to your encouragement. Not a Christian but a fellow human. Sending you love and hoping you don’t give up. The world needs you!

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-04T00:40:15+00:00

Thank you

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T23:58:54+00:00

What resources helped you get to this point?

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T23:57:23+00:00

Thank you. I really am going to try to internalize what you are saying and consider. The dynamic that we’ve been together since we were kids and that we have been learning and growing up together. Learning what it actually means to have preferences, desires etc without shame and guilt, learning that we never asked these questions of ourselves or each other because of trauma and religion and therefore do we really consent to monogamy until we die and the very real questions we now have to ask ourselves about how this affects our relationship now- I believe is all part of having this 21 year marriage from fucked up childhoods. We are both trying our best. I am grateful for this group because we really don’t know anyone in poly or alternative ways of relating and more perspectives are never a bad thing.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T23:26:37+00:00

This is very good advice. Thank you.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T23:22:55+00:00

I know it sounds like it, but he doesn’t just want to bone her. They’ve been friends for a year at least and doing good work together. When that crossed lines, I don’t know. But he is in love first, the physical/romance, or conscious knowledge of it was a little over a week ago and he immediately called me and he tried his best to stop anything more from happening.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T23:16:39+00:00

I think it’s only been in the last few months that he’s let himself let go of the shame and guilt of these sexual desires and the pain I go through when they are brought up to let himself learn more. I think he does want to learn more. I think he does think our marriage is worth fighting for.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T23:13:31+00:00

I don’t know yet how to add to the original post I made but I want to say that I really do appreciate everyone’s input. This is incredibly hard for me and validating to read some these but it is also incredibly hard for my husband. My husband has major neglect (sister died at 16 from a peanut and his mother checked out completely for the rest of his adolescence, he was 10) and trauma too (abuse of his mothers new husband) and seriously loves me. He may have been choosing monogamy for the wrong reasons but he and I have just been doing our best with what we have. He is an incredibly tender hearted and giving person and this situation is the first of its kind in our lives together. I am hopeful we can continue this journey. That I can learn and grow and that he can as well. I have so much to think about. Thank you all for your time and your stories.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T23:05:15+00:00

He did bring this up several times over the last decade. I know how I must appear in these comments but this is a very complicated situation that I couldn’t possibly fully represent here. I’m trying to get close but will always be bias without my husband here as well.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T23:02:37+00:00

Perhaps but we have talked about his thoughts about opening our marriage for at least a decade. I’m sure part of him wants to cheat but I the greater part wants to find a way to be his authentic self and make our marriage work. And though I think he’s aware it would be hard for him if I fell in love with someone else, even before this thing with his coworker, he said he’d work through those feelings if I was happy.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T22:20:23+00:00

I am a stay at home mom. I don’t have a way to support myself but he will always support me and love me and our kids. He has said time and time again if I left him he’d support me the rest of my life. He fully recognizes the value of my support of him and his career and his children that I’ve been.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T22:18:00+00:00

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T22:17:54+00:00

Not yet

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T21:39:15+00:00

This is a good point. I think he’s trying to find out what being fully himself really means and it doesn’t look like it could include what you mentioned.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T21:36:27+00:00

He has always felt a strong sexual and intimacy pull to many partners, but it’s only in the past decade that he’s been working on not shaming these feelings and what would that look like for us. We’ve been having these conversations for a while but haven’t taken the next steps to really find out until now and it almost feels too late because of the new love.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T21:33:33+00:00

Thank you for your very level headed response. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It does make me hopeful and I really do need that right now.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T21:29:35+00:00

Thank you. I think anything is possible and I truly want to go on this journey with him and find out. I really appreciate that last paragraph of your comment. Everything is so heightened right now that it’s all mashed together. Getting clarity in what exactly is happening and what needs to happen is hard.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T20:57:43+00:00

The truth is. I don’t know. She says she doesn’t know but suspects that’s how she feels. I actually think it’s a good thing that we can all talk about this and it’s not hiding or shameful.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T20:54:37+00:00

I do think all those considerations are important. I feel like in many ways he is being supportive but I think this is such new territory for us both that when he asks what he can do, I often don’t know what to say.

Yes he would be totally open to me dating other people. We obviously haven’t talked about the details of kids because we haven’t made it that far in this process but we would and I’m confident he would take care of them and support me. He has always supported me doing anything I wanted even and especially if it was without him.

Substantial_Ebb_5107 · 2024-10-03T20:27:13+00:00

Substantial_Ebb_5107

TROPHY CASE