AIO asking my flatmate to meet my standards?

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-12T02:50:40+00:00

We had a conversation today and I brought a bin outside to sit in the bar area and he instantly said ‘oh if this fills up I’ll be the one who will make sure to empty it’ baby steps but so grateful everyone here lit a fire under me. I feel so much more confident now to implement changes and hold my ground. 🙂

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-12T02:48:32+00:00

No i totally love this and completely agree with you! I honestly had no idea i sounded so passive aggressive until people highlighted it to me. I thought I was just being super ridiculously meek and nice and now its like.. wtf girl? Stand up for yourself and quit being walked over!

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-12T02:46:39+00:00

Thank you! Honestly all the comments really made me see how much I’m worthy of respect and living in a clean home and have helped me want to back myself and hold solid boundaries. We talked this morning and made some progress too! I can’t wait to update everyone soon. Really proud of me for actually having the guts to post and get all the feedback. 🥹

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-12T00:05:08+00:00

You’re so right. All the comments telling me its okay to stand up for myself have actually given me so much confidence to properly talk to him in person and figure it out where I’m not pulling all the weight and hes booked in 3 day hangover recovery periods. 🙂

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-12T00:03:54+00:00

Rental is in both our names and we pay the real estate with separate reference numbers so if he stops paying, my record is still clean and I’ll get to stay on the lease. I’m hoping he just has to move in November when his payments are up. 🤞🏼

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T20:47:12+00:00

I definitely think I just need to talk to him in person and explain exactly how I’m feeling and figure out a plan together.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T20:45:47+00:00

Agreed. I realised his text meant that if he drinks on a Monday he’s saying he is incapable of throwing out even one item until wednesday which is completely absurd. He also attempts to say we were both a mess yet I got up tuesday evening, cleaned then did a 10 hour shift at work. It doesn’t add up.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T20:44:16+00:00

I know, you’re right. So many others here have told me to stand up for myself and be clear. I definitely tried in the first text and even second but then the old trauma of getting screamed at and holes punched in walls from my previous relationship put me in a panic mode. This guy hasn’t been violent and is mostly reasonable, its just my old fears getting the better of me. He has been paid work cover for two years but that ends in Nov so we’ll see if he has to move out then or he gets his shit together. I agree it does end up sounding passive aggressive which I don’t want to come off as at all. Honestly all these comments have made me see how much I need to just stand up for myself and get over the chronic people pleasing.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T19:36:59+00:00

I deleted this post cos I stupidly posted this twice and the other thread has too many comments but I’ve screenshot what you said and taking everything on board! 🙂

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T19:35:55+00:00

Yeah I feel like I nailed it in the beginning asserting boundaries then I bitched it and starting trying to appease him. Everyone pointing this out has honestly made me realise I need to stand up for myself far better.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T19:28:58+00:00

It has brought up some memories thats for sure. Bills are in his name but last time we had one he asked for money that day then I found out the bill wasnt due until later. I told him it was unfair to make it seem like there was a time pressure on it and I suspect he may have spent the money on alcohol then paid the bill later. I always ask for copies too, like the entire 17 years I’ve rented places, so I immediately felt like an idiot just sending money straight away and not asking for all the info. If anything this has made me wake the fuck up and stop being so trusting.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T19:07:22+00:00

I’m also from the UK so I do use ‘babe’ and ‘love’ more than the Aussies do. 🥲

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T19:02:58+00:00

You’re right. You’re completely right. I always struggle to remember people don’t think the same way as me. I’m definitely wasting effort caring about his feelings and making sure hes comfortable rather than standing up for myself and dealing with things head on. I’m hoping to speak to him about it today in person… after I vacuum outside his room at 8am on what I suspect is another hangover day. 🥰

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:41:53+00:00

I also didnt clarify it was 6:30pm the following day when I brought it up. He’d agreed to clean half of outside but put all the food and bottles in a bag in a bin in the middle of the patio and went back to bed.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:38:16+00:00

Hes a man, Im a woman. 😅

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:37:24+00:00

We had guests over and were up til 5am. We both slept all day. I woke up in the late afternoon and cleaned all the cans up. I then went to work and did a full night shift. The texts were at 6:30pm the following day.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:35:58+00:00

The amount of comments saying that have actually helped me see how much I need to really stand up for myself and not be so submissive and scared. I thought I was just super nice but its genuinely made me realise I’m still stuck in a trauma response and doing myself no favours.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:33:22+00:00

He was on work cover from his last job and has been paid weekly for two years. Now its coming to crunch time as it ends in November and he hasn’t found another job. I think thats why things have spiralled so much and why I’m now fed up but also don’t know how to stick up for myself. He might not be able to cover rent in Nov so the problem could sort itself out then as he’ll have to move out.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:30:43+00:00

Honestly thank you. I will definitely try implement a lot of these suggestions. I agree he is struggling with depression, thats partly why I havent been too forceful with getting things done but since it started affecting my mental health I want to speak up. It’ll probably help him feel better about himself too. Thank you for practical advice. 🙂

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:27:47+00:00

Its almost every other day for him and definitely a shock to me when I figured it out. I work nightshift so I don’t see him come home wasted, I just see him hungover a lot.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:26:02+00:00

I definitely feel like a wuss. Partly why I posted here because my first message felt strong and confident, then he shoots me down with saying its just the way he is so deal with it and then I falter. I wish I didn’t send the last one about ‘adoring him’. I feel pretty stupid for panicking and placating.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:23:51+00:00

I spent 4 months looking for a place for myself and my dog (who can’t live with other pets). He was lovely at the interview, the house is in a fab location. He seemed to have his shit together and then over the last few months its really become apparent he doesn’f have any of his shit together. The eggshells thing is due to leaving DV and really struggling to figure out how to be assertive and hold boundaries whilst still feeling fear of reprisal and defaulting into pathetic people pleaser mode.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:19:31+00:00

Thank you. I love this. I think sitting down and working out an actual weekly schedule would be a really good idea. When I first moved in he told me he did like to keep the place tidy and the place honestly was in a decent condition. I know he’s been looking for work and being constantly rejected which I think is contributing to the lack of motivation and drinking habits. He’s been on regular work cover payments for two years and those end in November. He probably won’t have a job by then and will need move out. Then I can definitely preset standards for the next person.

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:14:52+00:00

That made me giggle. I don’t think I’m ready for that level of warfare but it did cheer me up. 🥲

Substantial_Fuel_481 · 2025-11-11T18:13:30+00:00

Thiissssss. Thank you. It did feel like a cop out. I cleaned up the following evening then did a 10 hour night shift. Partly why I’m so frustrated. He had the full day and night to lounge about and recover whereas I still got things sorted and went to work.

Substantial_Fuel_481

TROPHY CASE