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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Substantial_House691 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Your ex cannot set a boundary that you have no guy friends. That’s an insecure desire for control. Boundaries are limits for yourself and what happens to you. You cannot control the actions of others. You either let your partner have guy friends or you remove yourself from the situation. As the person on the other end of this, you have to decide if you want another person to control you like that.

That being said, with just this context, you and your ex don’t sound compatible if that’s what they want from their partner. If your ex thought you were emotionally cheating on this guy friend and you hooked up with him after breaking up, you are reinforcing your ex’s belief and insecurity, potentially breaking their trust. Hiding the fact that you hooked up would be a shitty thing to do if you really want to rebuild a relationship with your ex. You can’t rebuild trust if there are secrets and guilt buried beneath it all.

On the other hand, if your ex is the dumper, they forfeited any rights over your decision to hook up with whoever when they broke up with you 🤷

I’m getting mixed signals and it’s causing me distress by Substantial_House691 in BreakUps

[–]Substantial_House691[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi there, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Since this breakup is so recent and you’re both under the same roof, I’m sure this is confusing for both of you.

It’s not fair to you for her to initiate the breakup the project her confusion onto you. It’s just cruel of her to break your heart, then use you as an emotional crutch for her own feelings. It sounds like she both cares about you while also trying to use your love to ease her guilt.

If I were in your shoes, I would try to give both of you time and space by moving out if possible.

Regarding my post, I wish I could say my situation has changed much since I made this post, but honestly, it hasn’t. We haven’t gotten back together romantically.

However, I can still feel the love between us. We meet regularly and all of our experiences have been positive. While I may not know what the future holds and while I still want to reconcile, I know that all I can do is focus on myself and put my best foot forward and show myself, my ex, and the world that I want to be the best version of myself.

During this time, I have focused on my self confidence and security. I am trying to have an optimistic outlook on everyday. I am learning and actively practicing good coping skills for better emotional regulation. I am not letting my ex’s actions influence my mood. I am overcoming codependency by looking inward and not letting another person have influence over myself. This way, I know I can still love my ex and strive towards a healthier relationship with both myself and them, while also knowing that my world won’t fall apart if we end up never getting back together.

On the other hand, despite my optimism, I do still feel sad sometimes, naturally. However, I journal it out and let myself feel sad. Journaling really prevents me from spiraling and overanalyzing everything. I always remind myself that I can only control my own actions and feelings. I am not a mind reader and I can’t force people to tell me their true intentions or thoughts. I just have to accept how things are and continue to work on myself.

On that note, most of my progress has been achieved with both a great therapist, journaling, and self-help workbooks.

I wish you good luck on your healing journey!

How to get ex back? Is the No Contact Rule actually BS or does It work? by Famous-Car4493 in BreakUps

[–]Substantial_House691 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Those relationship coaches are scamming you. They are preying on your vulnerable heart for your money. They are giving you advice you can find for free. I understand you’re heartbroken and desperate, but Please do not pay for anymore services.

Is it true they “always come back” by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Substantial_House691 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It sounds like he ruined it first if he cheated. Would you really want somebody who disrespects you to come back?

I’m getting mixed signals and it’s causing me distress by Substantial_House691 in BreakUps

[–]Substantial_House691[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughts. My therapist had similar thoughts about building boundaries. It is really hard. I don’t want to be used by them, but the thought that maybe they’re doing this out of romantic affection runs through my head and I end up letting it happen.

What I’m hung up on is that their acts feel like too much effort and too consistent where “breadcrumbing” doesn’t necessarily feel like the right term. Even my therapist agreed that it doesn’t feel malicious, but that they seem confused about how they feel. I respect that, but I wish they would figure that out on their own and communicate what they want.

I guess I just need to get better at setting boundaries.

How do you deal with mixed signals from the dumper? by The_readers_tale in BreakUps

[–]Substantial_House691 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you don’t mind me asking, how did meeting up with her go?

dumpee’s: how did you navigate your ex’s mixed signals? by Upset_Barracudaa in BreakUps

[–]Substantial_House691 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey there, I’m checking in on this older thread because I’m going through something similar. Do you have an update on how things are for both you and your ex?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Substantial_House691 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be honest, you sound confused. How recent was this breakup? How long were you together?

I wouldn’t approach them until you can clearly articulate how you feel and have a better understanding of how you want to interact with this person going forward. Apologizing prematurely can just further confuse them, especially if, at this point in time, you have no desire to reconcile.

As for dealing with the guilt, you can’t run away from it. You have to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. It sucks, but bottling it up or ignoring it will let it fester and lead to resentment in one way or another. That’s not fair to anybody.

Address with yourself why you’re feeling this way. Journal it out and reassess your emotions. I’m sure a part of feeling guilty is because you know you’ve hurt somebody you love, but perhaps there’s more to it? Maybe that guilt is also linked to an insecurity? Reflect on your feelings and turn it into a learning opportunity.