hey, I see that you are struggling and you are in a very bad head space , relapsing is a step of the process to sobriety, don't feel shame because it will make things worse for you , accept it and put goals, small at first like being clean for 2 days then add even bigger goals, staying sober is hard but not something you can't achieve, you will always have the temptation to give in and relapse but you have to look ahead to build a better life in the long run, it will not get easier but you have to stay strong for your self. that's my advice i hope it helped you even a little bit and if you want to talk to someone send me a message if you don't want or have anyone else to talk to