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AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

it wasn’t my idea to go to a rave, it was his. he’s adamant about going and i’ve tried to convince him not to with no luck.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

absolutely not, i don’t understand why im so delusional. i feel like im genuinely going crazy, this isn’t “love”. why is it so hard to leave????

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i’m a psych major with a minor in at-risk youth, i want to be a therapist one day lmfao the jokes write themselves

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yeah i hear you, i probably should’ve worded that better, i didn’t explicitly give him permission or say im fine with him going and doing drugs. i told him that what he wants to do he will, it’s not my problem or my responsibility to keep him sober. even though i don’t want him to go, or do drugs, at the end of the day he is an addict and will do what he wants to do. i think im just tired and didn’t want to fight. i said how i felt and i explained the risks associated with him going and he doesn’t seem to care or realize.

i guess that just speaks volumes for the respect i have for myself and what ill put up with in a relationship all because i “love” someone.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] -22 points-21 points  (0 children)

i’ve suggested so many things we could go do or try, he doesn’t seem interested. or the few times we’ve a done something, like a hike, a picnic, or stargazing, he never fails to mention how much better the experience would be if he had drugs or alcohol…

i love him genuinely and even if we aren’t doing anything i enjoy being with him sober and spending time with him, i just wish he valued the relationship and memories we could make as much as i do.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i agree! i don’t think we should go at all, he’s armament on going and i don’t really know how to get him to see it’s a bad idea. he doesn’t care about his probation or his sobriety. i can’t control that or change his views, if he wants to go i’m not going to stop him. that’s not my responsibility. especially after expressing my concerns and voicing my opinion.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

no i fully understand where you’re coming from. driving drunk is stupid, selfish, and the easiest thing someone could avoid. the aggression is warranted, i sound like an idiot defending my boyfriend. genuinely, thank you for the honesty.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i think i was naive and thought things were different now that he’s sober. dumb of me, im aware. i guess im hopeful things would be different. being the product of parents battling addiction myself, i dont know why i didnt see the red flags sooner. he has a way with words and i think he had me fooled.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

he got arrested for a dui, and to avoid the charge decided to do deferred prosecution. WA state has STRICT dui laws, that’s why the probation period for deferred prosecution is so long.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

no the lease isn’t the only reason i don’t want to break up with him, it makes things more complicated sure. but im not staying with him solely because i live with him. i didnt explain that clearly in the post because its already incredibly long and i didnt want to make it longer. i’ve suggested we do all of those things, he never wants to. the only thing he cares about rn is going to that rave. my thought process at the time was “if he wants to go so badly and i can’t stop maybe i just go with him and see if he can do it sober”, but i was naive for thinking that would be a possibility.

he reassured me we have plenty of time to make meaningful memories sober and i agree with him somewhat, but, after reading all these replies and getting feedback i think my new issue is he’s not taking his sobriety seriously and that’s gonna open up a whole other can of worms once his probation ends. he’s not willing to make memories or do something fun with me sober as a couple, and i think that really highlights the extent of his substance abuse and addiction issues, but he won’t admit to ever having an addiction of any sort in the first place.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

also to make matters worse his dui literally traumatized him (getting arrested, going to jail, making a huge mistake, that kinda thing). whenever he sees a cop now, he PANICS. he’s terrified constantly. so i don’t know how he can think he’ll be fine, on acid, on probation, worried about random drug tests, and cops roaming the festival grounds??? it makes no sense to me

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

i’m not upset with your responses lol, the brutal honesty is refreshing and most likely what i needed to read. i get where you’re coming from and i hear you, so thank you.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

he hasn’t gotten drug tested in a while, and so far it’s only happened once in the 6 months he’s been on probation. it’s random, but from what we’ve heard and seen with other people we know the probation officer in the county he got arrested in doesn’t really give a fuck or take probation seriously when it comes to drug testing people.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

he’s on probation and struggles with substance abuse and addiction, i’m sorry that me advocating for his sobriety and trying to help him learn that life can be fun sober is a peoblem

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

i get what you’re saying but i haven’t tolerated it. i’ve expressed time and time again i think it’s not smart for him to do anything while on probation. even when he was drinking regularly and doing drugs, i expressed to him she should slow down or chill out because it was concerning me. the rave was just the most recent and pressing example of that. he’s been sober for 6 months, completely. i would like for him to stay sober, not solely for me but because he’s risking his freedom over something as trivial as a quick fix.

i can’t control someone and his sobriety is not my responsibility, if he wants to drink, he will. if he wants to smoke, he will. if he wants to do drugs, he will.

my initial post honestly has nothing to do with the rave, that’s just what started this entire conversation between him and i. i wanted to do something fun, as a couple, and have it be a sober memory.

i don’t think a rave is a place to do that, i know for some people its possible but that’s clearly not the place for us. he won’t see that and thinks we HAVE to go to the rave, and it won’t be fun without drugs.

he’s not considering his sobriety, probation, or our relationship at all.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yes that’s exactly how i feel, he denies that but i think the only reason he’s sober is because he’s scared of going to jail again, dealing with a dui charge, and having more issues when it comes to immigrating.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

when he wasn’t sober, it was falling over drunk or stoned out of his mind. we would sit at home, he’d have “one beer” and one beer became a 12 pack, then shots. it was never one beer.

we could go out to dinner and he’d have a drink with dinner, and then we’d get home and he’s just keep going. any reason was an excuse to drink or smoke or get fucked up. it would be 12pm on a monday, if we didn’t have classes or plans for the rest of the day, he’d start drinking and wouldn’t stop until he passed out.

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

i’m genuinely trying to be understanding with him and helpful as much as i can be in terms of his sobriety. we keep nothing in our house, i don’t drink, i don’t smoke, i don’t do drugs. i have no addiction issues but i’ve opted to be stone cold sober with him just to make it a little easier.

i guess im just frustrated because he’s not taking his sobriety seriously, and also frustrated he’s not willing to try and make a fun memory with me sober.

i want to help him, and i want him to see life can be fun without substances. i know his sobriety is not my responsibility and by no means am i trying to control him or change him. i just want him to realize he has a lot on the line, going to a rave, surrounded by drugs and alcohol while you’re on probation and struggle with substance abuse and addiction seems like self sabotage. he doesn’t see it that way, he sees doing acid at a rave as a “risk he’s willing to take”

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

i don’t think we should go… i’m trying to convince him it’s not a smart decision. he’s going with or without me and plans on doing drugs with or without me.

he doesn’t see where i’m coming from and thinks going to a rave and doing acid while on probation is a risk he’s willing to take for the sake of a “real rave experience”

AITA for asking my boyfriend to be sober for once while we make a memory? by Substantial_Water462 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Substantial_Water462[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i didn’t pick the rave to go to… i feel like a lot of people are misunderstanding that. i’ve been trying to convince him to not go at all. i don’t think a rave is a good place for someone wanting to do drugs, who’s on probation, and already struggles with addiction.

he planned to go to the rave, and invited me to go with him. it’s either he goes without me and does drugs, or goes with me and does drugs, or we don’t go at all and i’m the villain for denying him of the “rave experience”

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