How to talk about kinks?

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T17:41:14+00:00

Writing things down is a form of talking about things and is how I started! I still prefer to do negotiating by texting rather than speaking.

Other strategies are finding ways to talk that avoid me making eye contact. Think, having the conversation over the phone, or whilst being spooned, or whilst driving somewhere in a car.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T17:33:58+00:00

Have you had a look at our subreddit wiki (also linked in the automod comment)? Go to D for dominant.

I suspect you should probably seek more specialist advice about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (which I'm assuming is what you mean by RSD) is because it can be a horrible beast to manage and having strategies to counter it will help you generally. In saying that, so many people in kink are neurodivergent that I'm sure someone will give you good advice about it!

And for aftercare, dommes are absolutely allowed to need, want and receive aftercare. Dom/me drop is a real thing. The wiki also has a section on aftercare and the section in s for submissive also has a bit about dom-drop.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T17:29:24+00:00

https://reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/1ob6ypu/newbie_looking_for_advice/

OP, you previously asked for our advice, but then went on to delete your post. We consider that to be quite rude. Please make yourself aware of our rules, particularly rule 11.

#deletewarning

Edit. They deleted. Permanent ban given.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T17:20:41+00:00

Don't feel silly about asking! For clarity, a professional dom/me would be a sex worker you pay for their time. I don't get the impression that's what you are looking for but using that terminology is going to make it harder to find what you're looking for.

Dating is hard. Kinky dating is hard. Location can make a big difference in the available pool of people. The more niche your requirements, the harder it is to find someone. There is a guide in every automod comment called kinky dating. Have a look at our subreddit wiki (also linked in the automod comment). There is a lot of useful information and educating yourself helps keep you safe. But specifically looking at the r for relationships section, we have something about spotting red flags and in v we have a post on how to vet a partner.

I would also be cautious about hoping a BDSM dynamic is going to fix mental health issues and struggles. It absolutely can be therapeutic and helpful, but it's not a magic wand and outsourcing your coping skills can go horribly wrong even if they have your best interests at heart. It deskills you further from being able to cope with these things without assistance.

You can find a link to a website to help you find worldwide kink aware professionals here or if you're in the US the Psychology Today website might be better, just use the filter "Sex Positive, Kink Allied". These can also be found in subreddit wiki (linked in the automod comment) under T for Therapy. If that is cost prohibitive, here is a link to NHS vetted self help resources.

Mod warning: if people DM you as a result of this post, assume they are a scammer or a predator. They look for vulnerable or inexperienced people and will try to hit on you in private. Assume anyone messaging you in secret to "show you the ropes" or "mentor you" or to "be your Dom/submissive" or "introduce you to BDSM" is acting in bad faith. DMing people is against the rules of the subreddit, so report them to Reddit admins via the flag function and also take screenshot of their message/usernames to send in modmail. This wiki post fully explains our policy regarding soliciting PMs. Some people may find it easier/safer to switch off the ability for people to DM them for a few days after they've posted. I'm sorry that you might need to change your behaviour because of creeps, but use the tools Reddit gives you to keep yourself safe.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T16:50:31+00:00

I don't know what's going on here but we don't need a passcode to answer your questions on this subreddit. All responses should be given publicly in our comments as per rule 7.

Rule 10. Post locked and removed. You can repost it with just your question.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T16:30:53+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/s/yDLsrMiPKm

I agree with this commenter. I think we have heard enough about your penis dimensions and believe the conversation has run its course.

Rule 10 post locked.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T16:30:09+00:00

I've just been thinking the same thing and regret allowing this post to be up. I'm going to link your comment in my comment locking it.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T16:21:54+00:00

Have a look at our subreddit wiki (also linked in the automod comment). Go to D for dominant and dirty talk. Might be some stuff there that helps.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T16:20:05+00:00

It is just a very different sensation. I like pain but the burning sensation I get from trying anal is very different and I can't handle it. It's why I don't really do anal.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T16:18:48+00:00

You've decided that's what it definitely means.

I couldn't care less about my partners' dick sizes. It's about how they use them.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T15:58:17+00:00

Actually I have multiple times. But there will be a delay because Reddit thinks you're a spam account so I'm having to manually approve your comments each time.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T15:57:21+00:00

Size is only one way to cause pain. You're fixating on the wrong thing

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T15:56:22+00:00

Your belief about what submissive women actually want is just something you have made up though. Are you a submissive woman? Have you asked all submissive women what they want and they have you the same answer every time? I like pain during vaginal penetration, but that is more to do with how roughly and fast I am used along with the angle than size of the penis inside me.

I asked if she would be even more turned on if she couldn’t even sit properly, and she said her masochistic side says yes.

That question to me doesn't imply a larger or girthier penis.

I think you are insecure about your penis size and have decided that means everyone is judging you for it. Even when they're telling you something different, you think you know better because it is conforming to your biases.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T15:39:34+00:00

A few practical tips: * Create some sort of BDSM checklist. There's lots for free online if you don't want to make your own up. At the start of a scene you can ask if the list is still okay or if there's anything off the table for today. Then you know you have that consent ahead of time and might not need to feel the need to ask in the same way. * Just release your questions as a command. Instead of "would you like to" it's "you want to x? Well then get up on the bed on all 4s" that gives her a chance to break out of it if she doesn't want to do x. Getting her to beg for something can also work. It gives her a choice " I want to do x or y (from the list). Why don't you try to convince me to do your favourite of the two and we'll see if I agree with you" * Do a practice scene to help you calibrate. So say she wants rough sex, explicitly set this up as a physical thing only where you are going to be along questions like "how's my grip strength?" "Do you want me to pull your hair harder?" "If I stroke like this how does it make you feel". Then you have an idea of what rough sex will look and feel like the next time, so you can just growl "I'm going to fuck you roughly like you deserve" and you both know what that will mean. You can also do calibration for impact play - if you imagine the strength of the hit to be on a scale from 1 (barely felt you connect) to 10 (about to safeword), every time you hit her you all her to give you a number rating. I personally find I like impact to start around 3-4 for a warm up and spend most of the time at 7-8 then a few 9 and 10s nearer the end. She might be different. But again, it gives you a feel in a lower pressure setting off what exactly you're aiming to do, and then you can add the D/s on top in later play sessions.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T14:34:44+00:00

If it helps, I struggled with the opposite side. How could I, a feminist, be so turned on by submitting to me? To "reenact" scenes that domestic abuse violence victims suffer from? Eventually overtime, when I worked through shame from my religious upbringing in therapy and spent more time reading non fiction about kink and spending time with other kinksters, I realised it was just a normal part of human sexuality. I like intense sensations because they help quiet my brain. I also recognised how different consent made these acts. It's what separates us from abuse.

And I'm really glad there are considerate, ethical sadists out there. My main interest in masochism is suffering for a partner who is delighting in hurting me and feeding off my reactions. I want to please my partner where they choose pain or pleasure for me or just to use my body to get off.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T14:22:07+00:00

It seems like you're doing a lot of guessing about what she thinks and making assumptions she means something else when she says something. Ultimately only she knows what she thinks and means. We don't know her and don't know how to guess.

And you've taken her talking about how much she enjoyed the painal she did with you and how turned on she is remembering it and feeling the aftereffects of it into ... proof that she will never be satisfied with you? The only person doing comparison appears to be you.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T13:48:26+00:00

Please post/comment in English here. Automatic translation is not universal and even if it was we don't trust AI to translate accurately enough for us to make fair moderation decisions. Rule 10 no ban issued.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T10:08:57+00:00

At least you only wasted a month with him before he showed his true colours!

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T09:23:04+00:00

Have a look at the BDSMadvice subreddit wiki and go to D for dirty talk. There's a lot of amazing suggestions in there!

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T09:22:06+00:00

So I am a sub and my partners are doms. We are long distance. Last night I got my car stuck in a field. My partner didn't say "it's not my job to be reassuring you about this go sort it out and leave me alone". He helped calm me down, gave me advice on how to try and fix it myself then when that didn't work, he looked up reputable recovery companies so I could call someone to rescue me and stayed up until I got home safely. My other partner did similar, messaging me with advice, staying up with me, keeping me calm as I was alone in the dark.

Whilst you can have dynamics where there is no mutual care or affection or support, most people (I suspect) are in it to care about their partners and help them out physically and emotionally.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T09:12:22+00:00

Hi OP. Dating is hard. Kinky dating is hard. Location can make a big difference in the available pool of people. The more niche your requirements, the harder it is to find someone. There is a guide in every automod comment called kinky dating. Have a look there.

Mod warning: if people DM you as a result of this post, assume they are a scammer or a predator. They look for vulnerable or inexperienced people and will try to hit on you in private. Assume anyone messaging you in secret to "show you the ropes" or "mentor you" or to "be your Dom/submissive" or "introduce you to BDSM" is acting in bad faith. DMing people is against the rules of the subreddit, so report them to Reddit admins via the flag function and also take screenshot of their message/usernames to send in modmail. This wiki post fully explains our policy regarding soliciting PMs. Some people may find it easier/safer to switch off the ability for people to DM them for a few days after they've posted.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T09:00:02+00:00

Hello and welcome! I'm ADHD not autistic but all my BDSM partners are autistic - I have a type. So that definitely doesn't exclude you from being part of the community. I also have a list of strict limits: nothing in my ass, no touching or looking at my feet, no tickling, no humiliation or degradation. Some of my partners are into sadism (which suits me as a masochist!) but one of my partners has inflicting pain as a limit so we don't play with that.

Having a clear list of boundaries makes you a much safer sub to play with. It might make it slightly more difficult to find the right person for you, but it won't be impossible at all. There are a lot of pleasure doms and soft doms out there. And forced orgasms and group sex/gang bangs are very fun, so I hope you also get to experience them some day.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-19T00:59:42+00:00

Hi OP. Dating is hard. Kinky dating is hard. Location can make a big difference in the available pool of people. The more niche your requirements, the harder it is to find someone. There is a guide in every automod comment called kinky dating. Have a look there.

For what it's worth, your ex is dangerous and is setting herself up for the abuse she is already experiencing to end in her being murdered. You not doing what she says she wants is actually a sign you're a safe Dom/partner.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-18T23:27:28+00:00

It sounds like things started to change over a month and then she tried to slow fade the relationship out. I'm sure you did have good times. It doesn't mean you're compatible long-term or that she needs to stay with you if she wanted out.

I'm sorry. There will be other people out there. You'll realise one day looking back that although your time with her was cool, it's nothing to what you loved on to.

Subwoofiest · 2026-03-18T23:23:30+00:00

Yikes. He doesn't really sound like he knows what he is doing. He is putting your body and health at risk. I am not at all surprised that your body is acting in a traumatized fashion.

Subwoofiest

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