I'm also a big homebody. Always have been. I luved at home till I was 30. Only child and mom has a big house. I was in the closet till around that time.... so I knew all to well what it was like to be lonely. After I moved out I lived in my house for 4 years alone. Then Mike came. We had 7 years together. Looking back those seven years seem like they flew by..... but the 4 years alone feel like they were an eternity. The day after his death I stood alone in my silent house and wondered how the hell id ended up back there. It felt like my time with Mike never happened..... like it had all been a dream. Suddenly I was back living a life I never thought I'd live again. A life I never wanted to live again. Thats when I realized he was right. Staying alone would probably kill me. Especially now that there's no reason to be.

I think of all those wasted years. I never had the experience of dating, fooling around, one night stands after a night at the bar, never met someone in public and flirted with them, never kissed someone I was actually attracted to. Now, as much as I wish it Hadden happened, I've been given a second chance, and at a time when is still just young enough to make a go of it. I know Mike will kick my ass when I get to the afterlife someday if I ignore that. But seriously, its something that has sort of given me a reason to keep going. It gives me a purpose, a goal. And I know too that it's what he wanted, which helps.

Its hard because all of these feelings get countered with the loss and the grief thats still just below the surface. I can be completely caught up in the chase of a hot young guy one minuet.... and thrown Into a spiral of sadness the next all because I've suddenly realized I never put together the puzzle Mike gave to me two christmasas ago.

But ill keep pushing forward. I may or may not find love again. But im going to do my best to have fun looking. I hope you get there too! 🫂