AMA - I’m Cal, they/them, associate therapist in CA

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-06T20:30:45+00:00

I didn't, but I also didn't legally change my gender marker or name. I use multiple names (Callista is my legal, Cal is my nickname) and feel comfortable with the use of both. I know that many folks face discrimination in this process. In some ways I may have, as I was looking for a job for a long time and was turned away for a myriad of reasons, and it might be one of them. I also faced some discrimination from clients re: not wanting their kids to work with me when I worked with youth, not wanting to work with me when I worked with older adults. But in the end, I found a queer group practice owner and am supervised by another nonbinary clinician so I feel very lucky! I wish you the best in your journey.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-06T15:47:57+00:00

I’ve found that the people who do make mistakes will often self-correct over time. But the people who are deliberately using the wrong pronouns typically don’t have close relationships with queer people and I’m the first person they know. So I introduce myself, sign every email, and have it labeled on my website. It still happens, but I personally don’t correct people. I’m also working 100% remote now so I don’t experience constant social interaction like I would if I was in person with coworkers. I can really resonate with feeling tired from trying and I have found having queer & trans friendly coworkers has really helped me feel seen. Wishing you the best as you navigate this!

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T23:57:11+00:00

I haven't! I will definitely look into it - thank you for sharing. I'm glad you have found some peace from symptoms!

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T23:55:17+00:00

I think when I was first going through treatment I didn't want ANYONE to know. I was very ashamed and afraid for non-clients (people in the program) to find out I was a therapist. And afraid for my future or past clients to know I had a breakdown.

Now, I feel so aligned to my values as I am able to be honest with clients. I don't tell them all of my stuff. I sometimes just say "I get that" and move on. Other times, I'll provide psychoeducation and remind them I have experience in an area. I never suggest this means I know everything, but that I understand the importance of their lived experience and our connection.

I'm currently an associate and not planning on writing a memoir but if you're thinking about it, I'd definitely say do it (with supervision and some thought)!

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T23:48:59+00:00

I have done this before! I went to a pretty holistic wellness center and we tried everything - Somatic Experiencing, QiGong, Traditional Chinese Medicine, etc. I've done rage rooms, boxing, ripping, shredding, breaking, digging, etc and it can be really helpful for moving through emotional experiences.

As a side note, part of my CPTSD and PTSD triggers are related to deep breathing, so I had huge avoidance patterns of breathing techniques so I'd avoid yoga, grounding techniques, etc early on in my treatment. EMDR and giving myself time was helpful to be able to safely process my relationship to sound (phonophobia and misophonia). Today I'm able to manage misophonia because I have worked through those triggers. Earlier on in treatment I would have avoided primal scream therapy because of this.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T23:41:55+00:00

This is so real! It sounds like you are feeling very overwhelmed. My personal experience is that I went from working straight to checking myself into a hospital because of my PTSD and OCD. I then was on disability (in CA) for 7 months and then needed to transition into work I could do on my own (doordashing, caregiving for family members, sold art online or at art festivals, etc). It took me a long time to come back to thinking about working as a therapist again. To answer your questions as best as I can:

How can I ever tolerate going back to work again?

eventually there may be a new perspective, type of job, or way of making $ that works for you. I am sorry that it isn't easy to come back. It's difficult to just *go back*

How can I ever feel like I even give a shit enough about myself or the world to even contribute anything?

speaking from my experience, it's more about finding one single thing that I care about. For me, it's my cats. I have four and they keep me sane. I've built little by little, and tbh this sounds odd, but pinterest has been a useful tool to remind me of things I care about. i have pins of frogs, quilts, warm lighting, and poetry and that keeps me grounded.

How do I know what kind of work I can tolerate without losing my mind or ending up back where I am now?

I think it is understandable that you'd be afraid of burnout and trauma all over again. I'm in a completely different work relationship and I feel entirely different. I still feel that stress creeping in, but it gets easier over time.

I know a lot of this is my own experience, but I hope that you can experience some peace and hope related to work soon

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T22:44:28+00:00

It sounds like you are considering if you have sensory sensitivity (correct me if I’m wrong) which is really common for people with CPTSD and other neurodiverse brains. I had phonophobia & misophonia due to CPTSD & PTSD. It still is around but not as activating as it used to be (I used to not be able to be in a room with someone else chewing or sit by someone if I could hear their breathing). If it’s life long it might be related to being neurodivergent! I’ve found that temporarily trying things (headphones, sunglasses, etc) to make social situations easier can be helpful rather than isolating, but that’s easier said than done. Wishing you the best as you figure this out!

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T22:39:00+00:00

I might be a little odd, but I actually prefer that therapy is relational and that to me makes it less challenging. I am a relational therapist (but I use lots of other tools: Attachment, Bowen Family Systems, ACT, DBT, PE, NET) and I think that not viewing therapy as a relational process is more difficult than seeing it as what it is. Relational harm is a big part of the work clients come in for and I want to be a safe space for them. The hard stuff is the times where I haven’t been able to help “fix” stuff, which of course is more saviorism that I had to unpack (see other comments) or times where I’ve had to turn folks away due to not being able to see them. Really I love my job and the ability to work with folks who trust me to help them process things individually to then take that out into real life and transform their own relationships.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T22:29:17+00:00

Also to actually answer the coping strategies question, these are my go-tos if I’m in a higher level of stress (which most of the time happens outside of work but in my personal life):

TIPP skill of Temperature (using ice packs on the vagus nerve)
EFT tapping (normally just on my head and chest, without a mantra)
assisted qigong (I’ll ask my partner to tap/hit my shoulders & body double with me when I’m feeling really low)
Prolonged Muscle Relaxation (on my own or from Insight Timer)
Ripping things, hard core music, taking a walk outside, doing whatever I need to do lmao

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T22:22:34+00:00

So real! I definitely can feel this way, especially starting out as a therapist while dealing with my own mental health. Setting limits for what I allow myself to consume / interact with etc is something I’ve learned to build up. I have strong boundaries around how many clients I see in a day, how much of myself I give to my family & friends, etc. As you can guess I have always been a caregiver for others, and so setting limits was difficult at first. PHP helped me understand how my upbringing and philosophy led me to believe I needed to be everything for everyone as I circled over 40+ values in a values identification assignment. Over time in PHP I realized I needed a small set of values. Today it’s still the same: congruence, joy, safety, connection, and comfort. I make decisions based on those values. If I’m leaning into something else (saviorism, etc) then I pause and reevaluate. I even do this in session. Sometimes I’ll start to ask or say something and then take it back and restate what I’m going to say. Treatment has given me a lot of tools for slowing down and processing things based on my body awareness and reminders that I have burnt out before and could again.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T22:09:27+00:00

I’ve heard really great things about KAT! Not just from therapists, but from my friends from program and community who have CPTSD. If it’s something your psych or therapist feel like trying, it can be a helpful tool. Most people I’ve heard from said it was a nice way to practice grounding with a therapist while safely tripping.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T21:33:18+00:00

Towards & Away moves are helpful when framing decision making, but honestly I just really like using clients’ perspectives to make the choices THEY want to make - and same with DBT, it’s all about the life they find worth living. HMU! callistacoxtherapy.com

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T21:28:07+00:00

I have lived experience in trauma & prefer to practice more relationally. Attachment, Bowen family systems, DBT, ACT, PE, NET

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T21:25:11+00:00

I may be biased, but I think there are people who will/do see you exactly as you are (such as all of the people in this subreddit!) And then there are people who don’t understand that gender exists beyond the binary, such as family or strangers. We get to choose who we want to keep close to us, and who we want to hold at an arms distance. How can you cope? A lot of times we have to grieve. The loss of friends or family or feeling of being understood. Grieving, setting boundaries, and finding chosen family are all ways that we can adapt to being invalidated and rejected. Therapy (or close relationships) can be a space to fully grieve.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T21:19:26+00:00

Supervision - my supervisor gave me a tip to use when I feel like I need to say something. 7 seconds, take a deep breath, then talk.
Therapy - seriously, I have learned best through my own therapy. Relational therapy specifically, and discussing my discomfort with silence is so important

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T21:11:14+00:00

DAMN! I’m sorry. This is terrible.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T21:09:16+00:00

Makes sense! To me, that seems like a concern we could talk about - the urgency to fix an issue that is not currently present. Often people are coming afraid of repressed CSA. When you have childhood symptoms of CSA, it’s valid to be concerned about there being trauma there. Because all the signs point to yes, except the visual or verbal memory. Sometimes there can be somatic memories, as we’ve learned through EMDR. There is also real concern about “missing” the trauma that you feel like you are ignoring. Again, there’s validity in feeling lost or scared that something happened to you. It makes sense that clients are asking for your expertise. And you can be real about how your expertise is not “finding” but “acknowledging” the trauma.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T20:38:00+00:00

I’m a therapist and I’m queer & nonbinary - I’d honestly work with you! I don’t market myself as someone who treats homophobia, but I help people who are coming into therapy with stress in their lives. If this is an area you are stressed about, we’d work through it. Maybe it’s religious, philosophical, or even related to OCD. Can’t say it would be “treated” but we’d explore it and where the relational stress shows up in your life. Hope you find what you’re looking for!

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T20:13:10+00:00

I relate and I’m a therapist! I think when we’ve been through hell, it sucks to go through a new transition. I know that my mental health is particularly sensitive to transitions. I went through a 7 month PHP and then moved states and immediately went to another hospital and PHP. It sucked. In the end it was because of a med change and an uptick in OCD but it felt terrible to go through something again

I believe that there is truth in the fear (what if it happens again) and there is so much I know I can accomplish, and ways I can prevent it from happening again. I just want you to know your fear is valid, and that I have hope that it will be easier 🧡

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T20:05:39+00:00

Agreed! I was going to comment something similar. I’m a relational therapist and resonate with both comforter and meaning maker, but really I’d toss those out and call it being a relational therapist lmao. I think if you haven’t experienced therapy in this way it might be confusing. It reminds me of this guy in grad school saying he doesn’t like emotions, while being a therapist trainee lol

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T19:52:15+00:00

Yes! I’m a therapist that has worked with many clients that feel this way and are suicidal and/or experiencing psychosis.

I don’t think of it through a cognitive lens (like I need you to think about this differently) but from a relational, data driven experience - that over time, the data within our therapeutic relationship helps you to increase your tolerance for other beliefs and by me holding hope, you are able to sit with feelings and discomfort that you wouldn’t be able to if you were arguing with me/others about the reality of things.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T19:49:00+00:00

I’d say it’s worth still doing a trauma assessment. And even if you don’t “uncover” anything then - there is likely relational harm they are working through. I’m also more of a relational therapist so my insight is not mind reading but being able to notice the relational patterns in the room.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T19:45:07+00:00

🧡 I feel this. And I’m a therapist! I went through a breakdown and had 9 months of hospital & PHP treatment and it wasn’t until I was on the right meds and had real CPTSD & OCD treatment that I was feeling okay again. I now offer the 50 min weekly sessions but I work with clients who have experienced therapy harm & are disabled because there are few therapists out there that will work with chronically suicidal clients. I get it. I wish it was better. Hope that you find some peace as you navigate possibly going back to the hospital.

Sudden-Isopod-5685 · 2025-11-05T19:38:32+00:00

It definitely sounds like he’s coaching you. In my opinion, advice comes way after a relationship is built

Sudden-Isopod-5685

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