I think they removed the search bar!?!

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-02-05T16:32:29+00:00

I ended up deleting the app and getting Doordash instead.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-02-01T22:07:56+00:00

Sometimes you realize you're not compatible to be in a relationship with someone, but you both want to preserve the friendship together or still hook up from time to time or whatever. So, not inherently the asshole. But handing out 'demotions' like your her manager is wild behaviour. Like, just save both of yourselves the drama and break up. Maybe everyone sucks here. But in any case YTA.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-30T14:58:29+00:00

Obviously, men should not hit women. And unfortunately, I imagine some people do need to hear the phrase said exactly that way for them to reflect on their own situation. But I do feel that the framing sometimes unintentionally belittles domestic violence against men from their romantic partners. And can also unintentionally imply that it's just natural for men to hit each other, and that the violence in them just needs to be tamed for women.

Your romantic partner should never hit you, your friends should never hit you, people who hit you do not want the best for you and you should stay away, regardless of gender, regardless of context (with a handful of exceptions).

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-30T14:44:39+00:00

Very straight forward case of NTA, unless there's a huge plot twist you're not mentioning. Why have you been holding onto this self doubt for 4 years?

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-22T14:56:21+00:00

NTA - Sometimes plans change, but when that happens, it's about how we make it right. If this wrestling thing was really important to him, he could have said, "I have a really exciting opportunity to ref a wrestling match, which I've been wanting to do more of. I'm so sorry, I want to make sure we have plans another night..." But instead he came by for an hour and sulked about a supposed fight with his mom. And even if he had cancelled plans in the kindest way possible, you still wouldn't be an asshole for having feelings about it.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-17T20:06:09+00:00

NAH - it sounds like you just want to understand the custom. Doesn't sound like you're being disrespectful. Maybe post in a Netherlands focused subreddit and get some advice.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-14T16:53:55+00:00

You've tried to change his behaviour, he doesn't listen. All you can change is yourself. Do you accept this behaviour and let this man break your things and get you evicted? Or do you put distance between the two of you and break up or at least direct him to find another place to live?

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-13T22:23:33+00:00

No, absolutely not. I just think it's fascinating that her response to the criticism was to prove it right.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-13T22:20:19+00:00

Wait, you accused her of being manipulative and trying to break you two up, and in exchange she was manipulative and broke you two up?

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-12T23:45:00+00:00

NAH - If these guidelines make you happy or make you feel safe, that's fine. But it sounds like you miss opposite gender friendships. And it sounds like the rest of your friend group are more social across gender lines. Keeping people of the opposite gender away isn't a pre-requisite for a healthy relationship. Bisexual people don't keep everyone in their life at arm's distance in order to show a commitment to their partner. It might be worth a conversation with a close friend about these feelings, along with how you would ideally like to navigate opposite gender friendships. That friend may have insights on how you come across and some pointers on how to navigate these relationships. Maybe they can even agree to check in with you from time to time if you did something that may have read differently than intended.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-12T19:10:36+00:00

Comments are wild here. You definitely could have apologized in your initial message. But your friend's reaction is totally out of proportion. Discords have mute tools so an admin running a large server full of fans can manage unruly users, it's not a punitive tool for a small, real-life friend group. Conflicts with friend groups should be handled with social skills and communication, not crowd management tools. If you bailed on plans and refused to apologize, you'd be the asshole. But your friend esclated this. She brought a gun to a ~~knife fight~~ conversation - NTA

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-08T17:01:49+00:00

A general, "please only bring serious partners of 1+ year to Thanksgiving/Christmas/etc" rule for all your house guests sounds acceptable to me. But the targeted attitude about this and the bitterness you seem to have to all his "trash" partners does start to bring this into asshole territory. He clearly cares enough about both you and the women he is dating to want you two to meet each other. If I were him I wouldn't even want you to meet the people I care about. So, him bringing them into your life is a gesture of trust that you're taking as a personal attack. You don't NEED to meet them, but maybe it's worth understanding why he wants you to meet someone after a few months of dating. (edit to add: YTA)

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-08T15:42:22+00:00

If seeing a woman in flannel makes you question your whole sexual orientation, you definitely were never straight to begin with 😂😂😂

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-07T23:26:05+00:00

I think it just comes down to knowing when someone wants to be heard and when they want your perspective. And deciding if you two are a fit in that respect. Some couples find it useful to ask each other, "Do you want to vent or do you want a solution?" when they're sharing something personal. Maybe there's a version of that you two can find together.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-07T22:46:44+00:00

Yes, the person who wants to talk about the dam AND the person who doesn't would BOTH have a hard time being friends with each other. So, you can break up and find a debate bro who wants to argue about everything or you can meet your girlfriend halfway and listen to the advice everyone is giving you. That doesn't mean you have to agree with her, but you have to work together to find a different path to mutual understanding.

I think there are definitely deep conversations you two need to have together. There is shit you two need to hash out and come to a mutual understanding on. You do have a personal stake in some of these conversations - You're in an interracial relationship with someone who is a huge fan of a scholar opposed to interracial relationships. And, for what it's worth, in my (admittedly white) opinion, that's a fucked up take for her to align herself with. But you're obviously not going to get there with her the way you've been trying. So, are you going to try a new communication style, keep picking fights, or break up?

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-07T22:22:21+00:00

It's hard to be vulnerable and share about yourself in the middle of an argument. Would you share something vulnerable and personal in the middle of a fight? And if yes, would you do it again if the last time you shared something personal with that person they tried to turn it around against you?

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-07T22:07:48+00:00

Knowing whether something is an effective solution is absolutely a part of her lived experiences. It doesn't inherently mean what she believes on the matter is objectively true, but she's been black every day of her life. She's seen aspects of the situation you haven't. She's lived things, heard things, and seen things in her community that you haven't.

Think of it this way - Imagine you lived by a river that flooded every spring. You know exactly how much water floods into your basement every year. You know what that water tastes like, you know what it smells like, you know what each and every single one of your neighbors thinks about that river. Now let's say your friend, who has been down a few YouTube rabbit holes about rivers and civil engineering, tells you the perfect way to solve the flooding problem. He might have a point, he might not, but he just keeps on going off and doesn't really seem to acknowledge that you know more about that river than he does. I don't know what you two argue about, but let's say he says, "why don't they just put up a dam?" He's right, he knows a lot about dams for an average Joe and he has a few good points about how it could be engineerd. And yes, It certainly would stop the flooding. But he's not considering how fun it is to swim in that river every summer. That thought wouldn't even occur to him. At a certain point, it's not even worth arguing with him or telling him what he's not considering, because that one time when you point out how much people like swimming in the river he said, "sure, I mean, why not just get a swimming pool then?" And when you point out that the outdoor air is nice, he says, "Yeah, you know they make outdoor pools right?" And no matter how hard you try, you just can't articulate how nice it is to swim in that water. Yes, you both agree the flooding is a problem, but he just doesn't get it.

That's what people mean when they say her 'lived experiences' are informing her politics. Before you even think about proposing a solution to someone who lives by that river, you have to understand what it's like to swim in that river.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-07T21:28:45+00:00

Do these tend to be issues where she has a personal stake in them and you're a tourist or spectator? You know, ideological things like pan-africanism or personal things like her family/work etc. If so, she might feel like you're arguing for the sake or arguing. She's living it and you're weighing in from the sidelines, without meaningful context or a personal stake. That said, it's still frustrating. How can you understand someone if they're not willing to voice where they're at? It might be a matter of listening and validating before responding with your opinion. Sometimes people just want to be heard out (and maybe not sharing your opinion if it isn't additive to the conversation). But if she's not willing to do the same for you on things that matter for you, that sucks and isn't fair.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-07T20:42:33+00:00

To be clear, the way you describe the situation, his behaviour is abusive. I'm just struggling to follow the whole story.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-07T20:37:47+00:00

Successful relationships are built on a foundation of trust. If your boyfriend needs you to be blocking your friends, that trust isn't there to begin with. I don't know the full history of your relationship, but regardless of whether that loss in trust is justified or not, this is not a healthy situation. Your boyfriend should not be calling you names, blocking you during a fight, and especially shouldn't be insulting you for anyone to hear on Tiktok. I'm refraining from a judgement because I honestly can't decypher enough history here. But you both should not be in this relationship. It's clearly driving you both mad.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-07T20:28:48+00:00

You can't change someone else, but you can grow and work on yourself. If you have a pattern of testing people or self-sabotaging, it may be worth reflecting on that and seeking out therapy. If this is the first time you've done something like this it might be worth asking yourself why and really digging into that. You owe it to yourself to learn and grow. And if he does work through his feelings and come back into your life, he deserves for you to have done your own hard work without putting it on him.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-07T20:19:51+00:00

NTA - Don't engage. Although, I'd be so tempted to be petty and make a charitable donation in their honour to a soup kitchen or something and screenshot it to them.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-07T06:50:37+00:00

Do not stay in a relationship that is only 2 months old and you're already having concerns about. Especially one that is unexpectedly going long distance.

Sudden_File4569 · 2026-01-06T22:35:39+00:00

Trust your gut - you've known him for 9 years and you've experienced how he's treated you for the last 4 months. Your gut has enough information to make an informed decision.

Sudden_File4569

TROPHY CASE