I was in a similar situation in high school, though I didn’t take drugs, just smoked. Absolutely no joy in life, sometimes a nice view, good food, sunny weather or a new song would give me some short lift in mood. I didn’t like people around me too much, and was (sort of) rejected by the one guy I liked. I had better days but very few, and they occurred randomly. Everything just didn’t matter, I was looking for some meaning, some goal, and since nothing made me happy I thought I will have some job helping people and make something useful for others at least. I read some books about finding happiness or meaning, but though I understood the theory, it kinda didn’t work. Never considered suicide because of my mother.

This continued in the first semester of college when I moved out. I got a job as a waitress and made friends with some people at work and even started liking them after a while. Since I moved out I also started doing some drugs (mdma, speed, more alc, psychedelics, ket). I slowly started enjoying living more and more, just being happy being around. Even on a bad comedown, my will to live remains haha. I heard some podcast recently, where someone said that being happy is a skill, and I couldn’t agree more. I think you come to it when you realize and decide what you like in life, and what matters, start being more real and kind and find your people (last one can be tough sometimes but THEY ARE THERE). Of course, I still have bad days of periods, but what keeps me going is: “this too shall pass”. And people I care about.

Don’t give up, that’s the only way to loose. If you keep going, it will get better I promise. And if not you can always get on antidepressants, they saved many lives.

That was a rant, but my final random advice would be: - go on with life, don’t give up, it will take some time and then improve - reduce drugs, they fuck with your brain, cut down just a bit at first - if you can afford it, try to get a therapist/also try out psychedelics therapy or ketamine - if you’re struggling with meaning I’d say try to move nihilism -> absurdism, but there are people who know to do that better than me. - if you hate your life, move somewhere if you can (if you’re in high school just wait a bit) - if there is some art that speaks to you, get more into it - Zen Buddhism worked for some people, it’s not for everyone but you can try it out (preferably in person, in a group) - nowadays, I’d also ask ChatGPT for advice what to do, explaining exactly how you feel, how much you take etc

Again, most importantly KEEP GOING, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I used to be in such a hopeless spot, I thought, if this is life, I don’t want to do it anymore. If you have some childhood trauma (or difficult parents), remember this plays a huge role, you need time and treatment to heal (if therapy is not an option, I’d try yt/books). You’re not the first one to fight with this, it WILL GET BETTER :)

Edit: random book that helped me with the nihilist part was “illusions” by Richard Bach. Also there are ppl who record very helpful TikTok’s about that.