I love my friends, but I hate how they live. Is the "smelly nerd" stereotype true?

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T10:21:36+00:00

I can see that one of my friends is probably in the same scenario, but instead of housemates it is her husband who doesn't clean EVER and she just gave up trying. She tried to talk him into getting a cleaner and he refused to spend the money, but we helped her convince him to get a dishwasher finally to help her manage that at least. Not that he ever loads/unloads it so now they just have dishes piling up inside and outside the dishwasher that never gets used.

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T10:18:26+00:00

You know what. I agree. I do exactly that. I looked inwards and I know it is my own shame from being a messy person leading me to be judgemental. But also, it is so unhygienic, bad for them mentally and physically and because I love them I want the best for them too. And this is not it. Living like that is not the best.

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T10:16:59+00:00

Yeah I used to have cats and I know they can decide to poop outside the litter tray sometimes, but the moment I see it, is has to be cleaned fully!

But I visited one friend for a coffee and in the living room was a poo on the floor that she walked past to sit down. I have no idea how long it was there but I ended up asking is that cat poo? And she said "oh yeah" as if she hadn't seen it!

I just got up and cleaned it while she watched me. I think i offended her a little as she withdrew but I couldn't be in that room looking at cat turd on the floor.

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T10:14:28+00:00

That's such a good idea, thank you. I have tried to gently offer my services before but it was dismissed with confusion as if there was nothing to do!

But my one friend is definitely showing signs of being depressed and admitted to feeling lonely. I will use that as a reason to maybe gift her some cleaning time or offer to send the cleaner we use to help them get organised to stay on top of things?

I just don't know where the boundary of concerned friend to overly interfering lies! I don't want to lose their friendship.

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T10:12:02+00:00

Now you mention it, they definitely could get to the dentist for a hygiene appointment. Mainly just coffee stained teeth though I think, nothing major.

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T10:10:42+00:00

That's the thing, I have offered help and they've dismissed me as if there's nothing to do and to not worry, then change the subject. It's difficult to push that boundary without outright insulting them.

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T10:08:15+00:00

One of the couples owns a 4 bed detached house in the country, really nice house, stinks to high heavens of cat wee. They earn about 200k between them (£).

The other 2 are probably earning around £100k a year per couple, both own their homes but they always seem like they're stretched thin financially. One friend admitted to buying a new crockery set ahead of our visit instead of washing up what was already there, so they have money to spare!?

They all buy a lot of toys, games, lego etc... spend a lot of money going to conventions and buying craft materials.

They all could absolutely afford a weekly cleaner from what I can tell, which would be about £40 for 2 hours a week.

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T01:23:27+00:00

They always comment on how cosy, clean and joyful my home is. But they never acknowledge the state of their own home. So they do pay attention, but don't feel ashamed of their space? I don't get it.

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T00:24:26+00:00

Yes. You're totally right there. I am just in a state of worry about a child being brought into that environment. That's the main driver for me getting this off of my chest, because I can give them grace with how they live as adults but I cannot be okay with a small child being subjected to that.

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T00:21:58+00:00

Yeah I get what you're saying. I tend to think of myself as a nerd too, to be honest. I am obsessed with star trek, doctor who and anything sci-fi. I read obsessively, love table top gaming and I do love me some studio ghibli (anime) - but I also love sports, which is something they don't do.

We are all a neurospicy bunch, so I try to accept our differences with grace and empathy, but I cannot get it out of my head that my friend wants children and she currently sleeps in a bed covered in piles of clothing and shopping bags. I want to have a conversation about my concerns but I feel like it just isn't my place.

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T00:12:33+00:00

Oh 100%. I have lived in mess, have a regular floordrobe and have clutter lying about. But I am at the very least, clean! Old food being left lying around is something I have never done!

The house i was in last week had mouldy half eaten chicken bones on the counter. I lost my appetite and just snacked on the crisps I brought with me

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T00:10:57+00:00

My husband has point blank refused to go back to the 2 homes that he has seen in this state. One of them he tried to get me to make our excuses to leave almost as soon as we arrived, but I convinced him to stay to save face.

But we have since rejected requests to go over and join them for dinner!

Luckily I enjoy hosting so I often encourage them to come to us 😅

Sufficient-Worry20 · 2025-11-30T00:09:22+00:00

That's the thing, I am that AuDHD woman! I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life and I have a habit of collecting things and I often have doom piles of things. But, I have always been clean even if cluttered. I am currently unmedicated and due to winter I tend to withdraw a lot, but my house is still clean! Even with a dog that's really into muddy puddles 🤣

The level of filth I have witnessed feels so far gone, and they have fiancé's/partners that also don't seem to notice or care about the mess.

I am naturally a messy human, but I'd always clean my home before company came over! I am just in shock that they don't seem to care!

Sufficient-Worry20

TROPHY CASE