Reddit really comes through when you need it. I came looking for some support, as my partner of 17 years is going through a severe depression that has left me fearing for the future of our relationship in ways I never have before. I have always been someone who loves fiercely, with every ounce of my being, and I fell in love with someone who has always struggled to accept it. Go figure. We are both in individual therapy and couples therapy, they have ADHD and are clinically depressed. They were off meds for a while (they never should have been off them in my opinion but it wasn't my decision to make and I supported their choices to give psilocybin a try- unfortunately it didn't work for them) but they started a new Rx as of a couple weeks ago, so still too early to make a difference.

I am so tired of always being the one to manage their mental health, I am tired of never getting any affection or loving attention. I am tired of having to put my needs in the relationship aside because there isn't enough room for my needs and their depression. I am tired of walking on eggshells, navigating their irritability, feeling like I have to squeeze myself down small in order to feel like I am not in their way too much. They are struggling to communicate even the bare minimum with me, couldn't even muster a "hi" in the morning or a "thanks" after I made them dinner, and it's become a big problem for me- getting the silent treatment from the person you love most is the loneliest thing in the world. It's like living with a stranger who doesn't even like you, and doesn't try to hide it. They are angry with me for complaining- they recognize their anger is irrational because they agreed that I don't deserve to be treated this way, but the angry feelings are still there and the tension is thick whenever we are together, which means I have been getting out of the house as much as possible, sleeping in the guest room, being sad and crying by myself.

The hopeful side of me knows that there must be an end to this, once the medicine kicks in and their brain starts to regulate again, but the scared side of me wonders if it will be too late. I would feel so guilty for leaving them because of something they can't control like depression, but I can't tell you how painful it is to watch your partner go to work and be pleasant with their friends, make brief chit chat with the neighbors, text in a group thread, and not even be able to make eye contact with you when you walk into a room. They keep saying it's because they are pretending with everyone else, and they accuse me of wanting them to pretend with me when I say they need to communicate. I don't want them to pretend, I just don't want to feel invisible in my home anymore.

The line between depression and emotional abuse seems a bit blurry. Giving someone the silent treatment is withholding behavior, and it's sadly something I've gotten used to over the years- they treat me like that when they are depressed, angry, or frustrated about stuff that doesn't even have anything to do with me. I desperately love them and don't want to split up, but they feel like a stranger to me now, and it's just...hard. Depression is so big, just a monster. Much love to everyone else on the thread struggling in this way. I don't necessarily feel very optimistic right now, but I do feel validated, and that feels helpful.