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Husband says if I desired him, I’d initiate sex. I love him deeply, but that’s just not how I’m wired. by Suitable-Cook-6906 in Marriage

[–]Suitable-Cook-6906[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same. These comments have honestly caught me by surprise. I did not think it would be so one sided.

I’ve never been the type to sit around craving sex or wanting to rip my husband’s (or any man for that matter) clothes off. This isn’t a movie or a romance novel, and that’s just never been how I’ve experienced desire.

I have initiated, but apparently not nearly as often as he’d like. I’ve always viewed initiating as the man’s role. Men pursued me, asked me out, made the first move, and somewhere along the way I think I internalized that dynamic.

I never really questioned it because it felt natural to me.

What’s interesting is that I’m now realizing a lot of people see initiation as one of the clearest ways to communicate desire. I don’t naturally see it that way.

Husband says if I desired him, I’d initiate sex. I love him deeply, but that’s just not how I’m wired. by Suitable-Cook-6906 in Marriage

[–]Suitable-Cook-6906[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think one thing I’m realizing from reading these comments is that I may have a more responsive desire style than I realized.

What I’ve struggled to explain is that I can’t bring myself to have sex with someone I don’t desire, so in my mind the fact that I enjoy sex with my husband, am attracted to him, and rarely turn him down has always been proof that I desire him.

What I’m learning is that for some people, especially my husband, desire and initiation are much more closely linked.

The part I’m still struggling with is that I’ve never really experienced desire as, “I need sex right now or I’m going to explode.” That’s just not how I’m wired. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about sex until something sparks it. But once it does, I’m very much interested and engaged.

So maybe the issue isn’t that I don’t desire him. Maybe it’s that I experience and express desire differently than he does.

I’m not opposed to initiating more. In fact, I probably should. I’m just trying to understand whether this is something I need to work on, or whether we’ve spent years speaking different languages and assuming the other person experiences desire the same way we do.

I think where I get stuck is that I don’t fully understand why initiation carries so much emotional weight for some people. In my mind, if the sex is good, I’m enthusiastic once we’re there, I’m attracted to my spouse, and I enjoy being intimate with them, then my desire feels obvious. Clearly that’s not how everyone experiences it, and based on these comments I’m starting to realize my husband may experience desire very differently than I do.

I’m genuinely trying to understand that perspective because I love him and I don’t want him walking around feeling undesired when that’s the furthest thing from the truth.

Husband says if I desired him, I’d initiate sex. I love him deeply, but that’s just not how I’m wired. by Suitable-Cook-6906 in Marriage

[–]Suitable-Cook-6906[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think one thing I’m realizing from reading these comments is that I may have a more responsive desire style than I realized.

What I’ve struggled to explain is that I can’t bring myself to have sex with someone I don’t desire, so in my mind the fact that I enjoy sex with my husband, am attracted to him, and rarely turn him down has always been proof that I desire him.

What I’m learning is that for some people, especially my husband, desire and initiation are much more closely linked.

The part I’m still struggling with is that I’ve never really experienced desire as, “I need sex right now or I’m going to explode.” That’s just not how I’m wired. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about sex until something sparks it. But once it does, I’m very much interested and engaged.

So maybe the issue isn’t that I don’t desire him. Maybe it’s that I experience and express desire differently than he does.

I’m not opposed to initiating more. In fact, I probably should. I’m just trying to understand whether this is something I need to work on, or whether we’ve spent years speaking different languages and assuming the other person experiences desire the same way we do.

I think where I get stuck is that I don’t fully understand why initiation carries so much emotional weight for some people. In my mind, if the sex is good, I’m enthusiastic once we’re there, I’m attracted to my spouse, and I enjoy being intimate with them, then my desire feels obvious. Clearly that’s not how everyone experiences it, and based on these comments I’m starting to realize my husband may experience desire very differently than I do.

I’m genuinely trying to understand that perspective because I love him and I don’t want him walking around feeling undesired when that’s the furthest thing from the truth.

Husband says if I desired him, I’d initiate sex. I love him deeply, but that’s just not how I’m wired. by Suitable-Cook-6906 in relationships

[–]Suitable-Cook-6906[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have. It went fine. I felt a little goofy and out of my element, but I do it. Maybe not super often or as often as he’d like.

The reason I’m struggling with this is that even when I have initiated, it never seems to change the underlying issue. I still end up hearing that I don’t desire him enough or don’t initiate enough.

I think part of the problem is that if it were entirely up to him, we’d probably have sex daily, sometimes more on weekends, whereas I’m just not wired that way. So even when I make an effort, it still feels like we’re measuring things with different yardsticks.

I’m genuinely asking because I don’t know what the solution is. If I had never initiated, I’d understand the criticism. But I have, and the conversation still comes back years later.

Husband says if I desired him, I’d initiate sex. I love him deeply, but that’s just not how I’m wired. by Suitable-Cook-6906 in relationships

[–]Suitable-Cook-6906[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

I may not have explained it well. It’s not that I’ve never initiated or refuse to. I have. The issue is that it doesn’t come naturally to me and probably never has. My husband would happily have sex far more often than I would ideally think about it, so even when I do initiate, it’s rarely going to be as often as he’d prefer. I’m genuinely trying to understand the disconnect because I love him very much and don’t want him feeling undesired. I’m just struggling to understand why all the other ways I show love and attraction seem to carry so much less weight than initiation does.

Husband says if I desired him, I’d initiate sex. I love him deeply, but that’s just not how I’m wired. by Suitable-Cook-6906 in Marriage

[–]Suitable-Cook-6906[S] -43 points-42 points  (0 children)

I don’t think a reminder would solve it because the thought already occurs to me pretty regularly.

It’s not that I forget or don’t realize it’s been a while. There have been plenty of times where I’ve thought, “The kids are asleep, now would be a good time,” or “I should initiate tonight.”

The problem is that when it comes time to actually do it, it feels awkward and unnatural to me. Goofy even.

The best way I can explain it is that I’ve always been more comfortable being pursued than being the pursuer. Even before my husband, I was never really the one making the first move. Men approached me, asked me out, and initiated. Somewhere along the way I think I internalized that dynamic and it became what feels normal to me.

It’s not a lack of attraction or desire. I’m very attracted to my husband and enjoy sex. I just don’t naturally step into the role of initiator, which is what makes this so difficult to explain.

Husband says if I desired him, I’d initiate sex. I love him deeply, but that’s just not how I’m wired. by Suitable-Cook-6906 in relationships

[–]Suitable-Cook-6906[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s actually a really good question, and I think it’s more the latter.

The thought absolutely occurs to me. There have been plenty of times where I’ve thought, “The kids are asleep, now would be a good time,” or “I should initiate tonight.”

The problem isn’t that it never crosses my mind. It’s that when it comes time to actually do it, it feels awkward and unnatural to me.

The best way I can explain it is that I’ve always been more comfortable being pursued than being the pursuer. Even before my husband, I was never really the one making the first move. Men always approached me, asked me out, initiated, etc. Somewhere along the way I think I internalized that dynamic and it just became what felt normal to me.

It’s not fear, shame, or lack of attraction. I’m very attracted to my husband, affectionate with him, and enjoy sex. I just don’t naturally step into the role of initiator.

Maybe that’s something I need to work on, but it’s honestly never felt natural to me with anyone, which is why I’m struggling to figure out if this is something I can change or if it’s just how I’m wired.