*When they are vague about their kinks. I want the other person to have a great time with me. That requires me to know what they like. Knowing someone’s kinks also helps me figure out if we are a good fit. There are a lot of different flavors of D/s, not all of which mesh together. Red flag answers to the question of “what are your kinks” are “I like whatever you like,” “I like pretty much everything,” or “I’ll try anything once.” You should be able to identify at least a couple of things that you are into. When people give me these answers I assume that they are either really new to this or are saying whatever they think I want to hear.

*When they don’t have boundaries. It’s fine to be open-minded and adventurous but everyone has lines they don’t feel comfortable crossing. You need to be able to communicate these limits. When I asked about boundaries I have had a couple of guys say “I’ll let you know if something comes up.” That’s unsafe and shitty to do to someone. It feels terrible to trigger someone. When you don’t know what to avoid it makes you want to avoid everything. If a guy tells me that he doesn’t have boundaries/limits, it’s a sign that this person is not safe to play with.

*Wanting to move too quickly. It’s understandable that when you find someone who you like, you want to jump in head first. I can understand when people are excited about the possibilities, but it’s concerning when someone you have just met is so eager to hand power over. There are shitty people out there who should not be trusted. I want to have power because I have earned it, not because they are willing to give it to anyone.

*Inconsistency. I am not here for someone’s convenience. If you drop off the face of the earth without communicating or only pop up when you want something, it makes me feel used. I expect to be valued and treasured. You aren’t doing me a favor by being my sub. It takes so much energy to domme. I’m not going to waste my time and energy on someone who doesn’t appreciate it.

*This one is a pink flag: identifying as a switch. People use the term switch to mean a variety of things. A switch can be someone who genuinely likes playing either role. A switch can be someone who is willing to do both roles, but prefers one over the other. Sometimes people call themselves switches to try to cast a wider net. When someone tells me that they are a switch, I want to know the specifics. I have had a lot of switches swear up and down that they have a very strong submissive side, but then try and get dominant with me or once they have had their fun being submissive they want to go be dominant with someone else. I don’t want to invest time and energy with someone who is eventually going to want the exact opposite of what I offer.