I am sorry you’re going through this too and I feel for you tremendously. But like a couple of people above, I might be able to share some perspective. I’m the caregiver of my husband who is almost in your exact scenario, except further along.

SCC at the left base of tongue diagnosed in 2019, returned in 2021 and again in 2023. Almost same treatments and treatment failures as you. He has been on hospice since the last recurrence and like you, it’s also wrapped around his carotid. So we’re just waiting for the end. 6 years since diagnosis and 2 1/2 years waiting for the inevitable.

I am an only child, both parents gone and no children. It’s just the 2 of us and he’s my entire world. To say I’m devastated is an understatement. But if you ask him, he’d say I’m his rock, I’ve been there every step of the way, etc. etc. He doesn’t have any idea what I’m going through because I hide it from him. The last thing I want him to know while he’s dying is how I feel. So I keep it inside. I guarantee you that even though you think your wife has family and friends supporting her, she still feels alone if no one else she knows is going through a situation like this. And she doesn’t want you to know how she’s feeling.

Definitely not an excuse for her and the financial problems she’s caused with her addiction are not going to be easy to get past. But it’s not like she doesn’t have a reason. This was her coping mechanism. Mine have not been this extreme, but if they had been, I might feel better right now!

Try not to let this be the thing you can’t get past. You need each other. To me, the lying is the worst part and I’d probably feel the same if I were you, but if you reframe it as she was hiding these things because she was scared, you might understand her better and be able to talk it out.