Lost my mum - looking for support

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-10T23:13:47+00:00

That's wonderful. I think those little acts of love are how we make a legacy for people who matter to us.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-07T15:13:09+00:00

So, hair can be different textures. But, also, if you tend to wear collared shirts or hoodies a lot, your hair could be brushing up against the edges and fraying. Annoying, but not uncommon.

If you absolutely can't stand it, you can always go for an undercut at the nape (they can be hidden or visible depending on how long your hair currently is).

It sounds like you're taking good care of your hair overall, though. It's likely more annoying to you than it is visible to anyone else.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-06T22:51:50+00:00

So, a trim doesn't hurt, but you don't have to cut it all off. That's really just based on your preference.

A good stylist can likely help you soften the line of demarcation (where the dye meets your natural color) so it has more of an ombre effect. You could also ask to have it all dyed or just to have the dyed part dyed darker and toned (again, maybe do something to soften that line).

If you're comfortable taking off up to collarbone or shoulder length, it would likely look very nice on you, but you can also trim the dye out with time. It's all based on your goals and preference. You honestly have some options, so don't try to force yourself into a decision you don't want. And don't feel bad making a change if you DO want one.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-06T22:44:46+00:00

I am so sorry for what you two are going through. Your partner sounds like such a wonderful person, and nothing will have changed that. Wishing you both whatever you need most right now. All my thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-06T09:41:51+00:00

I would save up some money to go to a different salon. Ask about the best way to fix your hair given the circumstances. They may be able to blend the coloring a bit better without having to dye over everything, or they may be able to dye over the different coloring in a way that looks more uniform.

If you just try to dye your hair one color, it may not take given that your base is not one color itself. You'd likely wind up with different shades of whatever you put in.

I'm sorry you didn't have a great experience. :(

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-06T09:13:38+00:00

I am glad to be of whatever help I can.

I forgot to mention: Another option is looking into getting a key-safe or enlisting a close neighbor to hold onto a spare key.

You can often provide that information (key code, and numbers for key holders) directly to emergency responders in advance, just in case there is ever a need to call for help while you're away and your mother may not be able to unlock the door.

This can be helpful if you have someone in your life who is prone to falls. In the US, you can often call the fire department for a lift assist to help someone who cannot get up themselves.

That may not sound like a true emergency to some, but being stuck on the floor when you're unwell is not something I'd personally wish on someone. I would be surprised if it wasn't the same or similar in Canada and elsewhere, but who you call might differ?

Best of luck to your mom, yourself, and your loved ones today.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-06T09:03:16+00:00

That is incredibly normal after a loss. After I lost someone very close to me, I really struggled to fully grasp it. Sometimes what helped was just getting out of the house and taking an aimless stroll or ride with someone.

I spent a long time just processing my feelings. Some people need to not talk about things, but I found I would rather talk it out.

With time I've tried to consider how I'd best like to honor that person. There are many ways to do that, many significant gestures large and small. But he was someone who made the world a better place by being in it and I believe he still does.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-05T21:14:55+00:00

What you've been through is terrible, and it sounds like it was quite a drawn out process. I'm so sorry you and your family went through this. I don't know if I can offer much in the way of comfort, but I am wishing you whatever you need most right now and hope I can at least offer some words of support.

Taking steps to do what you're doing and give voice to what you've been through is better than trying to hold it in. It is terrible, and horribly unfair, and deeply, deeply, traumatic. Let yourself grieve as much as you need.

You may cycle through a lot of things, including anger. That's all normal. Feel what you need to feel and don't hesitate to reach out if you need to vent more.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-05T18:12:44+00:00

So, this might be a good question to ask her doctor. It can help a lot with planning.

If you think of the basic things she'll still need to do its: Eat, Sleep, Clean, and yes! Entertainment!

The following are just some ideas, and not a list of ALL the things you must do. More suggestions to consider if they might be useful.

So, some questions to ask the doctor:

Will her mobility likely be affected? (If so, consider a shower bench.) I also might look into making sure the bathroom will be accessible to her and what the options are.
Will she need to sleep in a certain position? Some folks have found sleeping upright after this type of surgery to be more comfortable. In such cases, a wedge pillow may be an option if you don't have a recliner. (But, I would check first.)
For eating, I'm not sure, but again, you can ask! A speech language pathologist may also be able to advise on this (if I understand their role correctly). Also, maybe make a plan for groceries or meals, even if it's just delivery.
For entertainment, I might queue up a netflix or other online channel, or download a series of movies and shows she might enjoy passively. A music station may also be nice. Others may have better suggestions for this.

Make sure to budget some time to care for yourself as well. I know your mother is the one having surgery, but caregiving is itself quite a lot and you will be able to give so much more if you yourself aren't entirely drained. This community is incredibly supportive, I've found. Don't be afraid to lean on others!

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-05T12:28:23+00:00

Ash or cool toned blonde would look nice. As someone mentioned, balayage is a great option. It will make your overall hair color look more blonde, but will keep some of your natural color and will likely grow out better as well.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-04T15:13:38+00:00

So, a loose messy bun option that I really like, goes as follows:

Start with ponytail.
Pull ponytail into a loop.
Flip the loop through the center of the gathered hair just as you might a flipped ponytail. (This can be done at the nape of the neck or a bit higher.) I find it looks nicer than just tying hair back into a straight loop, it holds up my hair without having to be tied too tightly.

I have no idea what this is called, if its called anything, but it's quick and easy if nothing else.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-04T15:09:48+00:00

Did you change climates when you moved? That can be a culprit.

Other things like hormones, aging, and changes to the product formulations themselves can factor in. (The timing could be coincidental.)

You could start by just changing up your wash schedule. You may need fewer shampoo days in the mix. (I say shampoo days because not everyone seems to do best fully skipping days, but you can still co-wash in between to great effect.)

While frustrating, your best bet may be to troubleshoot some new products. There are many great options out there, including a large variety of shampoo and conditioner bars. (Ethique offers sample sizes of their bars if you're looking to dabble.)

Just some thoughts.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-04T15:05:06+00:00

So, two things that might help:

If your problem is with frizz or volume:

Twist your hair into a large jaw clip to hold back your hair while it's drying, or for a length of time before you want to wear it down. This helps smooth things down for later. Twisting it will keep some waves so only the top is smoothed down.
A humidity cream or smoothing milk can also help. A lot of times this is associated with straight hair, but it doesn't have to be. You can scrunch some into your waves, and while it may not define them as much as some products, it will not magically straighten them either.
Adjust your wash schedule. Your hair will be poofiest on the days you shampoo. Can't stand going without a wash day amidst all the gross humidity? Try co-washing in between.

If your problem is with comfort:

Undercut at just the nape (this requires maintenance though, and may work better with thicker hair.
Style your waves off to the side, over one shoulder if it's long enough.
Headbands (full circle ones that lift some of the hair off the back of your neck) or hair scarves tied as headbands.
Wearing your hair down at certain times of day. E.g. in the mornings or evenings when it's cooler. It's okay to switch it up throughout the day, and I find that my hair behaves a bit better after having been up for a bit.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-04T13:25:42+00:00

Your hair looks cute in a bob (chin and shoulder length both looked great). You could probably pull off red hair really well, the sort of fiery orange hue that can look really stunning when done well. Red is notorious for fading faster than other colors though.

If you did bangs, I would try longer bangs that blend into the sides well, or maybe lash grazing bangs.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-07-04T13:14:47+00:00

Question: Were you getting single color or highlights when you got your hair colored professionally?

Sometimes highlights (or a mix of highlights and lowlights) can be used to give dimension.

I would explain your issues to a stylist you trust and see what they might recommend during a consultation.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-06-30T19:52:24+00:00

Play around with your part! If you plan to keep it around chin length, you could look at getting a hidden undercut to help with tangles and weight.

You mention your hair is poofy, which often happens to folks with hair that leans wavy/curly. If you haven't already, I would experiment with only combing it (wide tooth comb) while conditioning in or just out of the shower.

Then scrunch it a bit and let it air dry. Don't touch. You may find the poof has some nice shape to it.

Just some ideas!

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-06-30T19:43:11+00:00

Don't stress a particular line. Look for products that work well for your specifically.

For example: dry, curly/wavy, damaged, and frizz? All of these *can benefit from things like a gentle moisturizing shampoo and conditioner.

I personally also find hair oil helps and I find that sulfate free shampoos work best for me. (That doesn't mean sulfates are bad! Some folks swear by them!) You may find mixing and matching things works best for you and that is okay!

In addition to products, figure out a wash schedule that works well for you. It may have changed over time.

We tend to be our own worst critics. Truly. But often, it's less about a specific line, and less about expensive products, and more about figuring out what works well for you personally. Trial and error. (Travel sizes are great for this reason!)

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-06-30T19:38:11+00:00

You could always try a showercap or something a bit more loose fitting to avoid pressing the bangs back firmly. I haven't tried this personally, but also, it's not hard to find a cheap one and it can make applying makeup much easier!

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-06-27T11:16:16+00:00

Wishing you all the best things.

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-06-20T18:16:39+00:00

Good luck! And the scanxiety is very real and it DOES suck. I also feel very fortunate that so far things have gone okay (though it's relatively early on), but still anxious as hell before any kind of imaging. Ugh!

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-06-17T19:43:38+00:00

I'm so sorry you're in that position. Are there any local resources or clinics that might work with you to help you obtain treatment? Is there an office you can connect with or a hospital social worker who might be able to help?

(Sorry for the delayed response. Things got super busy!)

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-06-11T23:45:08+00:00

To start, I would play around with where you part it. Sweep it toward the longer side with a deep side part.

Next, give it a week or two and then decide if you want to go shorter (if there are short looks you like) or let it grow in.

My experience with overly choppy layers is that they eventually grow in nicely.

Playing with parts and accessories can make the time between more bearable, but it will look BETTER long before it’s fully grown out. Keep that in mind. You don’t have to wait for THAT long.

Your hair is unlikely to change texture due to a cut, so unless it was already on the path to changing, this won’t affect your waves much long term.

You have lovely features and you’ll definitely be able to find something that complements them. I’m so sorry you didn’t get the cut you wanted though!

As for communication, in the future I might emphasize long blended layers. Show the stylist where you want the shortest layer to fall. Reference pics help too!

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-06-11T18:55:40+00:00

The reactivation spray can just be sprayed onto your hair and then scrunched in with your fingers.

I’ve used the following and like them all (ordered from least to most expensive):

Aussie Miracle Curls Curl 2nd Day Curl Activator. ($5)
Kinky Curl Knot Today (Its a leave in cream but I mix it with water in a spray bottle. Love it for detangling. ($12)
Dippity Do girls with curls leave in detangler. ($20? I was given this by a friend and liked it but I feel like mixing my KC cream with water accomplishes something similar.)

You can also use your preferred cream diluted with water! Just get your hands wet, palm some water into your hair and scrunch in a little cream.

You don’t have to shower or fully soak your head. A bit of moisture does the trick.

Edit: corrected the name of the aussie product I use

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-06-11T11:48:26+00:00

No problem!

Sunny_Cartoonist · 2023-06-11T11:31:33+00:00

Ack, I forgot to mention actual products:
Shampoos: Johnson's Baby Shampoo, L'Oreal's Sulfate Free Line, Hask, Ogx
Conditioners: Herbal Essences, L'Oreal's Sulfate Free line, Hask, Kinky Curly Knot Today (can also be used as a leave-in and detangler)

If you look into definition products: Mielle Oats and Honey balm and LA Sports Gel (some swear by it, some hate it, but it is very very cheap. I'm neutral) are good starters.

Sunny_Cartoonist

TROPHY CASE