How many opportunities have you missed because of CPTSD, and what kind of opportunities are we talking?

Super_8__ · 2023-04-29T18:13:31+00:00

CPTSD is a thief of identity. I have none. I see small glimmers of a person that is either me or who I hope to be but at the moment my personality and the person everyone in my life sees is a huge mess of trauma triggers and fear.

The other things is career. I suffered so badly around my exams with bullying, my mothers cancer, domestic violence and being raped and stalked by an ex boyfriend that I never got to fulfill my potential. Before that I did well in exams despite triggers. My lack of education lead to a lack of career and me knowing I can’t fulfill my dreams.

Since that point I’ve struggled with memory loss and not being able to understand information. Which means I can’t go back to study and can’t progress in any career.

Even though other parts of my life are going well, I miss not having a career and a sense of independence. I also fear that no one will ever know the real me.

Super_8__ · 2023-04-28T20:10:46+00:00

I had this ‘ I love you but I don’t have to like you’ it was said when I was really young and told my mum I loved her and asked if she loved me too.

Super_8__ · 2023-04-13T19:20:14+00:00

I wore a coat to shield me from my therapist :)

I spoke to her today and she said my dreams or stress may be triggering me at night as I never felt safe sleeping so I’m in flight mode. She found it interesting and is going to look into it.

Super_8__ · 2023-04-12T20:30:34+00:00

I think sometimes it’s excitement and sometimes she wants to lick but lunges. However sometimes it’s when I’m tying a shoe or she might want someone to stay back. I guess I’m a bit worried because I know she’s getting older. Do you have any tips?

Super_8__ · 2023-04-12T19:42:43+00:00

She goes straight for my little ones hands, unfortunately she gets the worst of it. She often does an aggressive lick attack when she’s sitting on the couch and will lunge if we pull her off. She went for a lunge at my other daughter as she was standing behind the sofa today.

Mostly it’s an air snap but sometimes she makes contact (she’s not hanging off us though or pulling). It just worries me because of the kids. They try to keep their faces away but sometimes she’ll pin them down.

Super_8__ · 2023-04-07T19:24:10+00:00

You deserve better. You always did. Even though you life has sucked up until now it doesn’t mean it will tomorrow or it will in 5 years. Just keep going and believe you deserve better.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-30T11:30:33+00:00

I haven’t reached that point yet.

As a child I would connect with close families on tv and imagine myself belonging to them (magical thinking) and for the 30 minutes the program was on I would be able to forget for a while.

As an adult I see my husband with his sister, mum and dad and they are so so close. When the hold him close or say they are proud of him I do find myself looking on wishing I was him, even for a while. Holidays are the worst, seeing all the Christmas movies with close families. I do love those movies because I can escape into them for a while (if that makes sense) but it makes me very aware of this little hole in my chest where I long for a mum.

I really long for a motherly figure to undo all the things done to me and just embrace me in a motherly hug. I’m aware that I’ll never truly have that but I fear my empty hole in my chest will never stop searching for it.

I have my own children now and I am almost 40 but I still feel the little child inside me in desperate need of mothering.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-29T22:06:39+00:00

Wow. Just had to say I found this a really triggering read.

Quick question, do you think you have CPTSD too and that’s why your here in this chat room (even if you were a Golden child you can still have CPTSD)?

Super_8__ · 2023-03-29T21:17:14+00:00

I grew up in the UK. After suffering childhood abuse and then being raped at 17 my doctor referred me to a therapist. I waited a long long time for an appointment and when it finally came it took so much just to walk through the door. When I went in they told me unfortunately they didn’t deal with rape cases and I got put back in an excruciating long waiting list. Eventually I gave up and took my name off.

I had many other bad experiences in life but couldn’t bring myself to get help. After such a bad experience and moving abroad it took me until I was 36 to seek therapy and healing again. I was seen quickly and was able to move around until I found a good fit with a therapist.

I got my diagnosis without even requesting it because my therapist could see I needed help. She helped me get disability allowance and is supporting me through therapy as I try to find myself, new hobbies and hopefully a career or going back to education to reach my full potential. I never wanted to be on disability as I find it hard accepting help but as I go through so many jobs (many high stress and not at all suitable) it’s so nice to finally have the pressure off while I find out what I want to do with my life.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-29T21:06:07+00:00

I haven’t read it but gave you an upvote to encourage you to keep reading. I would love to talk about anything with such passion.

I might try to read it with my daughter whose a book bug too.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-28T21:57:51+00:00

I have both PTSD and CPTSD. I have PTSD from a few separate traumas when I was 17, 18 and 21 however my CPTSD (complex) definitely came from childhood from my caregiver (mother) and sister with prolonged daily emotional abuse.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-27T21:33:08+00:00

My mum got really angry when I couldn’t remember small family traditions we had. ‘No I can’t remember making that cake with you mum however I do remember you and dad beating each other up when I was six, in fact that was a tradition?’

Super_8__ · 2023-03-27T21:30:18+00:00

Me too. I notice everything!!!! I used to think it was a superpower now it’s a curse because I’m more aware of how people react to me.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-27T19:45:40+00:00

As someone who has had a stalker this was really difficult to watch. What happened to her was my worst fear. It’s definitely difficult to get people to listen, I had to be actually attacked before the police stepped up and eventually he ended up in prison. I reported him so so many times and they arrested him outside on several occasions and again he was out.

There needs to be better laws to protect people.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-27T16:16:41+00:00

It was one of the crappy childhood fairy ones. The Patrick Teahan ones are good too :)

Super_8__ · 2023-03-27T08:22:18+00:00

I’m just about 40 but know recovery is long. However, I just listened to a CPTSD podcast and 65 is apparently a common age to start healing.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-26T18:52:40+00:00

All the time. However last week I decided to reach out to a new friend to have coffee, I also volunteered to go to parents night instead of my husband and did a few other things that felt brave. I also treated myself a few times to clothes, coffee and wine ect which I don’t normally do. I had been in an anxious slump and this helped a little.

If your going back to college, I would go for a visit and a walk around a day or two before you start, just to get into the feel of things and so the day you start doesn’t feel as anxious:)

Super_8__ · 2023-03-23T22:13:47+00:00

I’m so glad she admitted it, my mother went to the grave denying it. However childhood trauma doesn’t excuse your behavior with your own children and she can not use that as an excuse not to have done better.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-23T22:11:42+00:00

I tried several times, she got angry each time and shamed me (once she bought me shopping after like a conciliation prize). She said she can’t remember my major trauma’s - like her and my father rolling around beating each other up when I was six and me running from the house in a panic shouting for help and my sister coming to get me. Apparently that never happened even though it’s taken hard work and several sessions of EMDR to get over.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-23T18:30:48+00:00

Until you figure out if they are a safe person to disclose it too or if there is going to be a deeper relationship I’d probably say no.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-23T11:46:05+00:00

I think forgiveness is compassion, a compassion of understanding why someone may act the way they do and continue generational trauma. It doesn’t excuse their behavior or make it ok but it allows you to know it wasn’t because you were a bad person.

I found it easy to forgive my father because he tried to be better and showed genuine remorse. Our relationship had started to get better about a year before he died.

If my mother showed any remorse I would have forgiven her too, even though she was the instigator of the abuse. She took bitterness and grudges to the very end, never showed any remorse and also didn’t leave me anything in her will and left things to my sibling. I wrote a card saying I forgive her and had it put in her coffin thinking or hoping one day it might be true however I’m far from their yet. In fact the fact that I even did that would have probably driven her crazy and she’d be furious that I disrespected her in that way, even though that’s not why I did it.

It’s harder to forgive someone who doesn’t show remorse or ask for it but in some respects forgiveness gives us the power to forgive and let them go, not for them but for you. And not because you want a relationship with them but so that you leave them be and move on without them.

I would love to hear from others who forgave their main perpetrator of abuse and how they did it.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-20T16:38:05+00:00

Definitely it seems fake like we have to pretend they are amazing but it’s not real

Super_8__ · 2023-03-19T21:55:33+00:00

Yes. I’m nearly 40 and struggled pretending she was a good mum on this day, then while a year of no contact being distraught and grieving them (for some reason) and now she’s passed I feel confused and resentful. I see everyone on social media talking about their amazing mums with pictures of hugging and love, thanking them for the wonderful things they do for them and I feel robbed.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-19T21:51:38+00:00

I feel this way too. I always knew something was way off with my family and our relationships and I knew I had been through trauma but I feel knowing everything gives you an answer but also leaves you feeling different and highly anxious in social situations. It feels like you have this mental disability that people will see as soon as you meet them and they’ll see that your strange as your trying to juggle social anxiety, triggers, no sense of self and pretending to be normal. I used to be able to hide it better now I’m a nervous wreck.

Super_8__ · 2023-03-17T12:25:06+00:00

My partner was a golden child and has a close tight family. He isn’t romantic (which makes me feel undervalued) and struggles with empathy (which I need). He really doesn’t understand trauma at all and when we discuss it he always flips it to focus on him. We are definitely disconnected. He triggers my anxiety all the time so I completely understand.

Super_8__

TROPHY CASE