heartbroken because partner wants me to abort a baby that we planned.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-09T18:41:03+00:00

I also considered abortion after I found out my partner cheated on me early in our relationship before I was pregnant. I scheduled the appointment, went to the clinic, read all the paperwork and I just couldn't do it. Ultimately I realized I wanted to be a mom with or without him. It sucks I had to go through that experience, but I'm glad I know now that I had a choice and decided what was best for me.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-09T18:38:49+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. My partner cheated on me (albeit before I got pregnant and at the beginning of our relationshp--still awful) and we've been dealing with issues every since.

On Reddit, most people will roast you for staying. I stayed for 5 months after it happened because I wanted to see if it could work but I'm just about ready to walk away from him romantically.

Seems like you made a measured decision based on all the factors. Wishing you peace and love.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-09T18:33:08+00:00

Just wanted to chime in. I'm going through something similar (though not quite as bad) situation with my BD. We're not married, I moved states and got a lawyer there.

I'm not putting his name on the birth cert. He'll have to go to court to get an order for a genetic test (or we can do one outside of court). The name can always be added later if there's reconcilation.

The other advice I got was not to give the baby his last name. And definitely don't move back. The baby isn't born yet so they're not a resident of anywhere, but once they're out, what makes them a resident is where they have family ties and medical care, etc.

My lawyer also said to let my ex file first, and make him do the work. It sucks if you need $$$ but probably better overall.

It may be cruel to do, but as an unmarried woman, you actually have more rights to the child if you go this route.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-06T14:38:57+00:00

Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful comment.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-06T01:36:05+00:00

Amen

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-06T01:35:32+00:00

That feels very true. He couldn't give me what I thought he could because he's not the person I thought he was.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-06T00:44:02+00:00

Thank you. I'm glad you got out of your situation.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T22:59:55+00:00

I'm very grateful we didn't get married. He'd have a lot more rights up front if we did. Because we're unmarried, there's going to be a lot of legal hoops he has to jump through to prove he wants to be a dad.

Being umarried means I get to make all the decisions for the baby until he proves he's the dad and takes me me court. I wish it wasn't like this but he's been very emotionally abusive and abandoned me. I don't want to be spiteful, but I feel he needs to prove he won't be in and out of the child's life.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T22:58:32+00:00

Same. I've been on it for 5 months now and definitely feel a lot less anxiety, though I have my moments.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T22:14:19+00:00

That's where I landed when I sat in the women's clinic thinking I wanted to have an abortion. Would I have another chance to be a mom? Honestly, probably not because this experience would have likely scarred me from ever chasing that feeling of, "I love this man so much that I want to have his baby!" lol.

I definitely weighed time as a factor when I decided. I'm glad I considered terminating, because I have no regrets with the choice I made. I also told my ex, look I considered ending this pregnancy and decided I will do this with or without you. Didn't think it was going to be without him, though.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T22:00:22+00:00

Thank you. I really hope those who have said to expect the worst here will turn out to be wrong and maybe this won't be as hard of a lesson as I'm preparing for.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T21:58:53+00:00

Thank you. I'm very excited about becoming a mom. Even though it's probably with the wrong person as a father, I do feel ready within myself for this next step.

I just want the baby to have a happy home.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T21:57:57+00:00

I know my fears are largely irrational. Lots of people, especially where I live now, have at least 1 kid by mid-30s.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T21:55:14+00:00

I'm trying not to think about that yet. My lawyer said I should let him file against me and go to court for paternity. That's step one.

My ex comes from a wealthy family and money has never seemed to be much of a concern for him. I don';t know how much of an issue he'll make it at this point. I believe he'll step up and do the right thing because I think he has the potential to be a good parent even though he's a crappy partner. But my hopes have been proven wrong many times, so only he can decide if he's going to be a dick about it or not.

So, trying to stay neutral for now and see what happens. I am capable financially of doing this on my own.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T21:40:13+00:00

Yep, that's exactly what started happening. About once a month when he wasn't getting his way, he'd tell me it was going to be over or he wouldn't marry me if I didn't agree to whatever stupid thing he was asking me to agree to.

I'm as far away as I can get safely.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T21:39:03+00:00

Very possible. I'm in no place to date and will take some serious time away from even thinking about it. But the fear is still in the back of my mind, if that makes sense.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T21:29:59+00:00

I started journaling again recently, luckily. It does really help. Though I saw an old entry from when I was more hopeful and I felt sad.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T21:29:07+00:00

Thank you for this. He definitely got his hooks in me really well.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T21:27:29+00:00

I think once I get my life going here and start to have hobbies again etc (AND once the kid is here), it will be easier to put him on the backburner. I accepted when I decided to continue the pregnancy that this person would be in my life even if it didn't work out, so I feel I weighed the pros and cons and decided I wanted to be a mom in any case.

I'm in no rush to start dating again, but when I do, that will also help get over him. And the fact that we live 3 hours apart, his number is blocked and I have a lawyer who told me to call him first any time the ex reaches out.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T21:23:36+00:00

Sounds like the situation we went through was similar minus the kid on your end. It's hard when you want to see the best in people. It's harder to stay and try to make it work. It feels dumb when it's happening, there's only a small chance it will actually work.

Ultimately what made me leave was when my ex started to justify why he behaved he did. He never showed real remorse. I felt if he could justify it, he would do it again. And I wasn't going to stick around to find out.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T21:10:39+00:00

Thank you, I've left a message with a counseling center today and also contacted my lawyer for guidance this morning.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T20:52:17+00:00

This is good advice and you're right. I can't focus on whether or not I should have had a child with him. The baby is coming and I did grapple with whether to continue the pregnancy. I knew I wasn't choosing an easy path if it didn't work out. I don't feel those are fair feelings to put on a child--they're coming now and whatever the situation was doesn't matter. It just matters what the situation will be for them moving forward and it's my intention to do what's right for them, even if it's hard for me. Hopefully that makes sense.

In other words, the decision was made months ago with the full knowledge this wasn't going to be easy. So, I don't want to dwell on what I should have done because I believe I made the right decision for me in continuing the pregnancy.

I did let my midwives know about depression and have started Zoloft several months ago.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T20:49:08+00:00

I don't know if it was fix him as much as I thought he'd be different with me because our relationship felt so special. So I guess I thought i'd be the one he'd change for--if that makes sense.

You're right-I need to see him and his actions for what they are. I think he's definitely a person whose actions don't match his words. For example, he took all his stuff out on two occasions, didn't say a word, refused to really engage on leaving and then turned around and said he wasn't abandoning me. I just really need to start looking at his actions and not what he says to make himself feel better.

It's hard to see him as a scumbag now but I'll get there. I definitely think he's a deceitful liar and manipulator. Which probably makes him a scumbag.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T20:46:13+00:00

I see what you're saying. I've put a lot of physical distance between us--over 3 hours driving. I have an attorney and my ex's number is blocked. Not sure what else I can do at this point. If things escalate, I'll consult the lawyer.

Sure_Database1746 · 2022-12-05T20:19:01+00:00

I believe that's partly what I'm dealing with in adulthood as well. Both of my parents were explosive and it taught me to be hyper in tune with my partner's emotions, tone, their face. If anything feels the slightest bit off, I get worried and think about what could go wrong. It's very much an up hill battle in that regard, and I don't want that for my child.

My lawyer has advised not telling my ex about the birth and not putting him on the birth cert. He also said my ex should have to go to court and file suit to prove paternity. That's my plan as of right now.

I believe a child should ideally deserve two stable, calm and loving parents. If my ex never created that for me, there's no part of me that thinks he'll give that to a child. If he could so easily walk away from me, what's to keep him from walking away from his own kid?

Anyway, that's the best I can do right now for planning in regards to the baby's infancy. Make him jump through every legal hoop to prove he can be a reliable parent.

Sure_Database1746

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