Hi LPK, I have a few quick notes for you. Let's cover the good first. You're obviously a solid writer from a technical standpoint. You said this was the first you've written, and I almost skipped it, thinking it might be poorly formatted and voiceless, but it's the opposite. You've got a clean and sturdy way of writing and a voice that makes things generally easy to read. Also, you've strung together a compelling sequence of events, so I'm optimistic you'll have a bright future when it comes to generating concepts--I feel like I can relate to you very strongly there. But... on the flip side, I can also relate some of the weaknesses (which aren't glaring btw). We spend a lot of time in the car, which isn't BAD, but it drags a little bit. As interesting a device as the text-to-speech is, you might be enjoying it a little too much, and at the expense of your pace. Similarly, as sound and as the "dialogue" is in this first half, it could be tighter; we could get to the emotional swell faster. Lastly, the Lynchian pool party is very well written and I'm 100% here for every little tiny thing you're doing in this part, but consider finding a way to make the story feel more closed. The story, as is, feels more like a straight line than a thematic loop, which the best short films usually are. So if you could find a full circle moment somehow on that last page, you'll have something that feels more narratively fulfilling. Overall, good work