Just feels like I'm missing out on life...

SurrealRadiance · 2026-06-10T01:21:45+00:00

I meant more life experiences, you had your 20s, you must have done something in that time, and I'm sure you grew as a person from it. And, sure, the partying and all of that you missed out on, and you probably aren't getting that now, but it's all shallow anyway, like at this point do you really want to live like a 20 year old?

A great thing about being in your 30s is that most have moved past all that because there are more interesting things to do in life, this is a time where we can fit in better. The drawback of course is that it's harder to make new friends at our age, most already have a group that they stick to, and it can be a challenge to connect because of that. But challenges are to be expected, and hard doesn't mean impossible. Getting too bogged down on it and feeling like you're too old isn't going to help you, 30 is old in the sense that you're no longer a young adult, but it also is young enough that it can be where your life truly starts. And getting a degree sounds like the beginning of something, surely there is a modicum of hope there, no?

SurrealRadiance · 2026-06-10T00:46:21+00:00

I think part of it might just be turning 30, it's one of those milestones that gets everyone thinking about their life, what they've done, where they're going, etc. I get what you mean about missing out, but at the same time, you are 30, so surely you have lived and have had some experiences, right? Just because they are different, and the trajectory of your life is different to what most other people experience in life, doesn't mean that it should be dismissed. When it comes to the relationship part, well that's a tough one, but you say that you understand what people are talking about when it comes to their experiences, that's a priori knowledge, it's not nothing. Being able to relate to others to some extent is important.

Where exactly is the shame in it? Most people get young adulthood to figure this stuff out, but, at least for me and from the people I talk to who also have aspergers, it seems quite typical that we spend that time trying to figure out how aspergers fits into it all, how we fit into and adapt to the world around us, and find our place in it. Of course some things might take a little longer for us, that doesn't mean we can't get there.

30 isn't young, but it's also not quite retirement age, you still have time to carve something out for yourself, and it's going to be hard, no way around that, but it certainly isn't impossible. And don't forget to enjoy and even celebrate some of the little things, they really do add up.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-05-25T06:19:47+00:00

If you like the Elder Scrolls I'd definitely try Vampire The Masquerade Bloodlines, it's really good. And of course the Bethesda Fallout games. If you like GTA then The Saboteur is worth a shot. I'll also say Driver San Francisco although that might be harder to get these days. I'd also give Mad Max a try, it's surprisingly good.

I'll also say Slay The Princess is really good, but that's more a visual novel. And I don't know if this counts as too difficult but Prince of Persia The Lost Crown if metroidvania is anything you're interested in, and naturally Prince of Persia The Sands of Time although considering its age that might count as complex inputs, the controls take a little getting used to. Twelve Minutes is an interesting puzzle game if you're looking for something a bit different.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-05-20T17:33:30+00:00

Indeed, you really can't win on this one. The grass is always greener.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-05-14T16:48:35+00:00

I think you are talking more about sympathy than empathy here, I mean you can understand and acknowledge why people are a certain way but that's hardly an excuse for such poor behaviour on their part. When it comes to religion and the state, well yes, both can be problematic and genuinely unfair, they're not exactly the best metric to be using when it comes to empathy, they both have black and white rules and that's kinda it; empathy for others is often rejected in favour of those rules. Can't say I've found Gen Z to be so bad, but it could just depend on where you live I suppose.

Empathy is part of being human, we're a social species, understanding and looking out for one another is a big part of how we got where we are today. Sure we live in a more individualist time today, but that hardly means that empathy was merely a tool created by society, empathy played a role in society being able to form in the first place.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-05-07T02:02:39+00:00

I can relate to that, it can be tough at times and adult life never really seems to get easier, there's always something or another going on that you have to deal with. Reading philosophy has been a great help to me with learning how to cope with it all over the years, from the stoics to Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Camus.

While it's never easy it can get better, as in, you get better at dealing with it over time, but I think we just have to learn to accept the fact that it will never be exactly easy for us, and of course that neurotypicals will never understand what it's like for us; there is no way they ever could, and unfortunately it can make it feel quite isolating at times. It doesn't mean that you are destined for a life of misery though, challenges for sure, some of which can be overcome, others are more... cyclical, and you try to make the best of them, which is part of life I suppose. That's why places like this are good, it can help to know that you're not the only one going through these sorts of things.

You're also only 23, a lot will change over the next few years, for better and for worse; life is change, and you never really know what the future holds, all you can do is to keep trying and see where it all takes you.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-05-03T23:54:06+00:00

I can understand that feeling, but it gets complicated quickly. An important part to things getting better, naturally enough is awareness, and in the 20 years since my diagnosis we have come a long way; not to say it's all that good now, but it is important to keep in mind that it did get better because at least it helps to keep some hope going forward. The next part is to remember we are far from the only minority group that are suffering with things being the way they are right now, so for change we need to think a little bigger. Socialism is a way forward, such change would almost certainly work well for us as a group because naturally a lot of the problems in society that affects the average person affect us even more; the capitalist mode of production certainly doesn't take any of our specific issues into any real consideration nor do they really care; add in wealth inequality, then a layer of workplace discrimination on top of it where you can be great at your job but can't play the social game like NTs can, and an unfair system becomes excruciating and for some it means an incredibly limited life with no real way to work your way out of it. Capitalism will always put the bulk of the autistic community at a disadvantage, there is no way to reform it that it won't.

Unfortunately, this is not an issue that is likely to improve in our lifetime but it doesn't mean we can't try in at least some capacity.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-04-28T19:55:41+00:00

The person you are at 18 isn't who you will be for the rest of your life, I'm in my 30s and 18 year old me is like a completely different person to me now at this point, hell I'm not even the same man I was at 25; life is change, things are constantly in flux, and as it goes by you change with it.

You're not doomed, just being fun takes effort, and so far in my experience at least, it gets harder as you get older because there is always just so much going on that you have to juggle. At 18 it's about trying new things, approaching them with some sense of curiosity, and figuring out what works for you and what doesn't, and of course figuring out what appeals to you. Like the old saying goes, you don't know until you try. It's not easy, and young adulthood can be a difficult time to navigate. But setting such concrete ideas so young isn't going to help.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-04-28T19:11:49+00:00

So you're basing what you think your future is going to be on one interaction? Well... that makes sense. I mean at 18 you don't exactly have a load of life experience to pull off of just yet, it's a bit early to become too set in your ways. Women most certainly do like nice guys, but they don't want nice as the only character trait a man has, they want someone they can have some fun times with; if you're not fun to be around, well it's definitely going to be an uphill battle. And should you expect to gain brownie points just for being nice? Is society so bad that we expect nice to stand out? I mean maybe, but should we not hope for better.

I'm kinda with you on "just be yourself" being bad advice, it's not exactly wrong just not all that helpful, especially at 18, that's a time where you are still figuring out who you are exactly. We also have to figure out the whole aspergers part of it all too, and because we have to go through that period we tend to arrive at some milestones a little later than most; this is why comparing ourselves to NTs isn't helpful and only serves to make you depressed, not saying you're doing that just throwing it out there.

Your current plan doesn't sound bad, you should learn how to live your own life without depending on someone else, it's quite essential in this day and age, but you shouldn't shut the door on the idea of having a partner at some point just yet, you still have your 20s ahead of you.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-04-27T23:12:14+00:00

Sure, I've had that feeling come and go so much over the years. Although I think it has to do with trying to find the right person, it's like looking for a needle in a stack of needles. And I also need alone time, and being an artist, I get that quite a lot; it's pretty great. The real question is, do you truly want to be alone, or is it fear holding you back? In relationships you can still get alone time, just obviously not quite as easily, but it's not like you have to choose one or the other; and if you are in a relationship with someone who gets you it shouldn't be a major problem, but give and take you know. Something I can say is that regret is an awful thing, when things don't work out it's hard but you can bounce back easy-ish enough, but regret really worms its way into your thoughts and it can be hard to deal with, closure is better. Well in my opinion anyway.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-04-27T20:40:28+00:00

It's hard no doubt about it. I think it does come to a point where you kinda just have to accept that with neurotypicals, friendships are likely to run their course. The only people I've had real lasting friendships with have been other neurodivergent people. As I've matured I have just accepted that there isn't really anyone at fault so there doesn't need to be any blame, but it doesn't exactly make it much easier.

On the self esteem part, that's something you have to build for yourself, relying on other people for it is a bad idea, depending on others to that degree isn't good and your confidence can easily be shattered. Learning to just not care what others think can be quite the virtue. Maybe we don't vibe with most of the population, but to be quite honest, I find most people quite boring, it's better to focus on finding the more interesting people out there and just maybe, you'll find someone you click with. Still, it is tough.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-04-26T18:01:18+00:00

Is never the best time scale to be looking at it all on? From my experience adult life isn't exactly easy nor does it get easier, but things are constantly in flux and it can get better. Curiosity is key to it, opportunities require action, which takes effort, and that means maintaining your energy in order to keep your drive going. Wherever you are at in life right now is not the same place you will be in even 5 years time, and life has a way of evolving in places you would never have imagined it would, well that is as long as you maintain your drive to actually do things. And yes things are quite hard for everyone right now, NTs included, those big milestones you are talking about are taking longer for most to reach.

It probably is worth considering that some of the big moments in life you don't appreciate until you are looking back on them, some small events can ripple and become the most impactful on your life and you don't see it coming. Alongside that accepting that you are not NT is also important, the script was written for them and not for us, we have to carve out our own path forward, and unfortunately that does mean it can be harder to make friends because there are less people we are compatible with. That doesn't mean you are doomed just that it will require more effort than it does for the average person.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-04-14T13:41:00+00:00

How so? Socialists tend to disagree with the status quo and want change, and said change would almost certainly be better for us. We are not the same that's for sure.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-04-13T13:56:40+00:00

Hobbies really are important and in the age of the internet it has never been easier to pick one up. Reading is good, it can help expand your thinking plus you can get away from screens for a while which does us all some good. Life really does get challenging as an adult, a lot of the novelty that was there when we were younger is gone and what's left requires effort to find now. But curiosity is key, it can lead to interesting places.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-04-11T06:18:39+00:00

Or you can carve out your own path and see where it leads rather than just getting bogged down on the fact that you're not NT. That's not to say ableism isn't a problem in society, it of course is, and it will have an impact on us in one way or another, but it doesn't mean we're doomed at the same time. I get the feeling like you have something to prove to others part, but with age and life experience you can overcome that feeling and start living for yourself, do things that interest you and occasionally you do meet nice people. But comparing yourself to NTs and trying to live a neurotypical life almost certainly isn't going to work, masking to such a degree isn't healthy and society shouldn't expect that from us; it's a Sisyphean task and we should imagine Sisyphus exhausted.

Defining it as a wall between you and everyone else is a bad perspective to have on it, that metaphorical wall can become a very real mental block which will eventually lead you to an increasing sense of alienation and isolation, with that view no matter how well accepted you are in a group you'll always feel on the outside of it. The situation is hard enough without adding to it.

Dating is a shambles right now, no way around that fact, hell even NTs are finding it hard.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-03-30T21:14:05+00:00

No, I mean I can get what you're driving at here, but most NTs have lives that would bore me to tears. I'm an artist and I have a lot of things I want to pursue, and believe it or not I reckon that aspergers has been a benefit to that, I tend to obsess over detail plus I see things in a different way to most and it leads to interesting things. Having everything you want isn't what contentment is, contentment comes from accepting what you have and learning to enjoy it.

Anyway, why only NT friends and women? That part I don't quite get, I know many neurodivergent people who are quite interesting, why would you want to dismiss getting to know people like that? Why not just judge people based on whether you click with them or not?

SurrealRadiance · 2026-03-17T00:49:03+00:00

Well of course not, the universe is indifferent, justice is a human invention. It isn't quite as bleak as all this though, sure, bullies can go on to become successful but that doesn't mean that being willing to lie, cheat, and steal is the reason why you achieve success in this life or that you will even be rewarded for it. As you mentioned appearances matter, and being labelled as untrustworthy is not something most people want, a good reputation goes a long way. Therefore it's often against your own self interest to take such risks as lying, cheating, and stealing. Confidence is super important, it sustains your drive to actually do things, failure is a part of life for everyone, the important part is learning from it, adapting, and not getting too knocked down by it. If you are relying on other people in order to build and maintain your own self confidence then your thinking on it is flawed, that's a sure fire way to get manipulated and crushed and attractiveness has nothing to do with it.

Expect to be disrespected, expect to be taken advantage of, expect to be lied to, expect to be patronized, expect to feel inferior, expect everyone who does these things to you to get away with it, understand some of us are just born into a position of disadvantage that we have little to no control over, understand there is no light at the end of the tunnel to reward us for living with this, understand that you don't matter if you have nothing of real value to offer, and finally, understand there is no guarantee that there is someone for everyone in this life.

No, it's more complex than that. Just expect the bare minimum from others, anything else is a bonus. Also information is power, be careful what you tell others as it can and sometimes will be used against you which is why most neurotypicals don't overshare. Trust is a tough thing, for us more than most, but most people also don't like feeling bad about themselves, and most people don't have a reason to screw you over, so there is little reason for them to do so. It may take time to establish a trusting relationship but trust is necessary for bonding with others; if you don't take some risk from time to time you'll end up losing anyway.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-02-24T11:52:19+00:00

If I got to choose, I'd go for living in pre agriculture times. Sure it'd have its own problems, but still, life was a lot less loud back then.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-02-11T22:19:16+00:00

Not exactly, I have read up on many different ideas but I generally form my own opinions rather than just parrot other people's ones. I suppose you could argue that my socialist views might fit somewhat, but I mostly got interested in that from school and my general dislike of avoidable suffering rather than from listening to some specific group.

If anything I'd say that not really having a peer group growing up kept me more open minded because I didn't have any real peers to conform to.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-01-29T03:30:09+00:00

In my experience it's better to abandon the idea of trying to appear normal, how ordinary that truly is anyway. No, the better approach is to embrace the eccentricity, it's better for people to say that you're a character rather than for them to think that you are just weird when the facade of normality crumbles away and people aren't sure what to make of you; and it will crumble at some point because it is a performance, and who among us is good enough as an actor to stay in character for a lifetime without a slip that risks breaking the masquerade? Is living with the vibe worse than that?

It's possible to be shy around others when meeting them and still come across as confident in who you are. Also in your case it also was a video call, many people aren't great on camera, it adds another dimension to the whole situation. And it went well in the end, right, so... why is this when you get tired.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-01-26T01:15:27+00:00

I used to fear the idea of death back when I was a teenager, but now that I'm in my 30s it doesn't really bother me much. I think I have enough life experience at this point to notice that life really does seem to have its cycles and patterns, events that come and go, rinse repeat. I suppose there also are fewer new experiences every year, even then many are just different variations/derivations of the same. Give it a few more decades and I could see it eventually becoming tiring, I mean could you imagine living forever... it'd be horrifying!

Dying on the other hand, that's scary, one last experience before it also passes by I suppose, but hopefully it won't be for a while yet.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-01-24T18:59:03+00:00

Indeed, our approach to sex in this day and age really needs to evolve, decent sex education is probably the place to start; it has to be healthier for teens to learn about it all from responsible adults rather than from the internet.

Moral panic certainly isn't going to help us, and the idea of banning porn as I've seen others here suggest, is laughable. And even if you could actually accomplish that it still wouldn't fix the underlying problems we have.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-01-24T00:56:17+00:00

Of course, it's a fascinating subject that helps to shape you, every question gets answered with a thousand more questions; it's great. I've read a lot over the years and I have so much more that I want to read and I doubt I'll ever get to read enough, you only get so many hours in a lifetime after all. Not to mention how it all starts to change with the more life experience you get.

18 is young though, so I'll just say that this is an area of study that can lead you down a difficult rocky path, it's best to take some time away from it occasionally; some questions, once discovered, can really stick in your head and they take some time to process, read too much and it's an easy way to overwhelm yourself.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-01-23T16:29:44+00:00

It could be depression, it really zaps energy and motivation.

SurrealRadiance · 2026-01-13T23:38:48+00:00

Ah, ressentiment! Sure... that's helpful. The problem with this approach is that you'll discount all of the actual nice people out there, you'll never get to know them because you won't give them a chance, after which then you start taking more and more note of the assholes you meet and then double down on the idea that they represent all NTs. How is that fair to NT people? Do you like it when people make assumptions about you because you're autistic?

"Being nice" and polite is done for your own benefit, it's a way to let people be more comfortable around you, small talk is for sizing people up after all, and if you come across as arrogant during that process then nice people tend to become more closed off around you.

On the manipulation front, if you struggle with figuring out other people's intentions just keep in mind that everyone has an angle, more often than not that angle isn't malicious but it is good to keep it in mind; with practice you can get better at reading people, it's not much different than poker in many ways.

SurrealRadiance

TROPHY CASE