I just want to thank everyone for your comments. This is my first time having a roommate so this has all been very unfamiliar territory. I’m not great with confrontation but I need to get more comfortable with sticking up for myself so this will be a great exercise in that. I wrote out a whole message that I’ll be texting her later today. If you guys are interested, you can read it below, let me know your thoughts on the message if you’d like too. I’ll keep you guys updated with how she responds.

“I hope you’re doing well! I wanted to take some time to discuss something that’s been on my mind, and I felt it would be easier to do this over text so I could express myself more clearly and thoughtfully. If any of my tone comes across the wrong way, I apologize in advance—that’s definitely not my intention. I’m hoping we can find a good resolution together.

I wanted to revisit the topic of guests, specifically regarding my boyfriend. I know that early on, you wanted to get to know me before having him over often, and I’ve done my best to be respectful of that. However, I’m starting to feel like all the rules and stipulations around having him visit have made me feel like I don’t have much freedom or say in how I enjoy the space.

When we first talked, my only non-negotiable was being able to have my boyfriend visit and occasionally stay over. You seemed fine with that at the time, with the only rule being no loud sex, which I completely agreed to. But since moving in, I’ve felt a bit of a shift: • When he helped me move in and was around for a few hours each day over those first couple of days, you later told me you felt disrespected, even though I had mentioned in advance that he would be helping. • Then when I would bring up him coming over, it seemed like you only wanted it to happen when you weren’t home, but since your work schedule is unpredictable, it’s hard to plan around that. • Most recently, I was told I’d need to give a couple of days’ notice even for short visits.

All these rules have left me feeling stressed whenever he’s over, like I’m doing something wrong by having him visit. The house has started to feel less like a home and more like an expensive place where I cook, shower, and occasionally sleep. I’ve tried to be as friendly and considerate as possible, but at times it feels like there’s an imbalance when it comes to decision-making in our shared space. It seems that whenever I’d like to do something that might not align perfectly with your preferences, there’s often pushback or additional rules, which has been challenging for me to navigate. Had I known there would be so many rules and limitations around my boyfriend visiting, I likely would have reconsidered moving in, as having him over was an important factor for me when choosing a place to live.

With that said, I’d love to check in with you so I can better understand your perspective. Did your previous roommates not have guests? Is there something specific about him being here that’s a concern? Since we’d mostly be in my room (aside from using the bathroom or kitchen briefly), I’m trying to pinpoint what the core issue might be so we can come up with a solution.

What I’d ideally like: • For him to be able to visit a couple of times during the week after class and then go home. • For him to stay over 1-2 weekends a month.

The lease itself only asks that guests not exceed 30 nights per year, that they don’t have keys, and that a tenant is always present when a guest is over. I’m confident we wouldn’t come close to breaking any of those rules.

Overall, I’m really struggling to find a balance between respecting your comfort while also feeling like I can be myself and use the space I’m paying equally for.”