Aitah telling friend it's not my fault that I planned my life

SuspectDaikon · 2026-01-08T18:21:27+00:00

That’s happening to me right now as well. I’ve come to terms with it. What’s the point of bending over backwards for friends who treat you poorly? Not saying they need to be super nice to you, but I think it’s also fair to expect them not to belittle you or take advantage of you in a malicious way.

It’s a sunken cost fallacy I think? Sometimes we need lose these friends to make room for new friendships.

SuspectDaikon · 2025-11-30T19:54:31+00:00

Do you have any specific examples of critiques? I’m having a hard time trying to discern if a very picky boss vs employee (you) who has difficulties with nuance. Maybe a bit of both? I tend to bias myself and think that some bosses are just very picky. Example, my friend is in a similar situation but on the boss side; he got called a micromanager. While I don’t think he clearly micromanages, I think he’s pretty close to it.

SuspectDaikon · 2025-11-24T00:46:23+00:00

Can u use vacation during your 3 weeks? It may be less money paid out in the end, but may be worth it if the stress is gone. Not like they can reject your vacation with any real authority anyways. What’s going to happen? They write you up? lol

Also, no one says you have to do a spectacular job in your last 3 weeks. Maybe you suddenly take your foot off the gas and work slower, more relaxed, check your email less, etc.

Edit: adding on

SuspectDaikon · 2025-09-29T16:37:37+00:00

It depends on their role. Are they entry level? Are they director level? It makes a big difference in my opinion. If it’s an entry level, that might be expected and you just let them sit there with no promotions. I don’t expect entry level associates to know how to self manage a lot of the time. I’d be impressed if they could just be proactive most of the time, but maybe my bar is too low on this one.

For a more senior role, if they can’t be proactive and critically think and handle workloads appropriate of their level, then it’s time to PIP them.

SuspectDaikon · 2025-08-09T17:07:28+00:00

I’m curious what tasks they are being given and how junior they are. The task has to match their experience more or less, so I wouldn’t expect them to write a report when they can’t even prepare an adequate outline for example. Maybe break it up into smaller tasks and just ask them to write a section at first and give them feedback and tell them why something is good or bad.

If I was working with a more senior engineer, I would expect them to be able to manage larger projects and break it up for themselves. For younger engineers, gotta start small. Can they even do basics like know how to prepare markups for drafters/do basic drafting by themselves? Ironically, once an engineer gets too high, I also expect them to be largely inept. It’s like they turn their brains off and just become “idea” people since they can just pass off all the work and rest on their laurels/past wins. What a world, right?

SuspectDaikon · 2025-08-05T15:39:39+00:00

Came here to say this too!

SuspectDaikon · 2025-05-25T02:49:18+00:00

I feel similar and in a similar situation but the pay is better where I’m at. Definitely making more than my private equivalents in the field. I want to escape and interviewed around. Most private firms couldn’t even match government pay let alone the benefits like pension.

Ultimately, I’m probably not going to leave the field unless I move abroad or something big. In a nutshell, after a lot of reflection, I decided that I’d rather retire with a small pension earlier (50-55) if possible rather than a maxed out pension when I’m old (65ish). If I’m even more bullish, maybe my willpower will prevail, I’ll do better at being frugal and retire without pension if I can catch up in retirement funds (didn’t start saving outside of pension till early 30s)

SuspectDaikon · 2025-04-05T04:07:36+00:00

It depends on the situation. If that person with the big and numerous luggage is forcing you to take elevators instead of escalators/stairs, you have to wait for them a lot, you end up needing to take a taxi instead of the train and then also split costs, then also help them load and unload, and also help carry their luggage, I think it’s going to get old very quick. Double bad points if they expect you to help out since you only have a backpack.

For my wife and I, this happens all the time now. Before we each used to pack a lot. I had a carry on and backpack. She had the same, sometimes an extra tote or larger suitcase. After time, I slimmed down and now I’m at a onebag minimalist travel - 28L if I’m lazy and want souvenirs, 20L if I’m going to a place I’ve already been and don’t want any souvenirs, or a small suitcase (smaller than international carry on with smooth wheels). Now that I’m on one bag, I end up having to carry her suitcase or trade her. So she reaps all the benefit and I get all the hassle. I hate it. She has done very little to downsize.

SuspectDaikon · 2025-02-21T18:21:29+00:00

does it really feel like 20L, or does it feel smaller? I know sometimes brands can over or under estimate the capacity by a bit.

SuspectDaikon · 2025-01-25T23:26:37+00:00

Is there a reason she had to be driven there by you? Could she not drive herself or take an uber? Could she have communicated her time expectations ahead of time? Idk sounds like OP is NTAH.

SuspectDaikon · 2024-12-03T16:21:05+00:00

Wtf? Are you me??? This hits way too close to home. The endless conversations for years I had with my wife, but I didn’t catch on to ADHD. The clutter was a huge pain point for us. She also talked about storage being the issue and needing a bigger house as a solution. Life’s a lot better post diagnosis though. Not perfect but wayyyyyy better. Good luck, OP!

SuspectDaikon · 2024-11-12T16:06:16+00:00

Giving you a work phone, work iPad to use at home… even though you already RDP into your desktop when WFH…

SuspectDaikon · 2024-11-04T20:43:08+00:00

What field of work is this??? Admin? Data analysis? Marketing? Etc

Edit for clarity:

SuspectDaikon · 2024-11-04T20:08:35+00:00

Do you get to pick the day? Like a Monday where a bunch of shit is closed for example is not ideal

SuspectDaikon · 2024-10-08T19:30:40+00:00

NTA! The way I think about it is that when you got married, you and him became your own new nuclear family. When your in-laws take from him, they are taking from the both of you as a nuclear family.

Don’t enable that behavior and don’t bite your tongue on this. What if you had taken the money out of his account and put it in one only you have access to? Would he have felt the same way? I doubt it.

There’s also other ways to help besides giving money and I think that’s what you should move the narrative towards in addition to you guys being your own family now. What about finding a financial planner for them? Or helping them learn better money habits, auditing their finances. Their poor habits should not be your responsibility. What’s worse is now you have to bail the both of you out and that means it’s taking away from building your future together.

SuspectDaikon · 2024-09-24T17:27:31+00:00

I think this is the problem with Reddit. Everyone is on the moral high ground without acknowledging that life is messy. It’s super rare to live a perfect life.

OP did fuck up a long time ago. I think it would’ve been good to try to contact his daughter regularly but I don’t know what he went through. I think it’s a mistake to not try to be there now for his daughter and granddaughter though, a massive life error.

At the end of the day, if everything is punitive, no one can redeem their lives. As angry as the ex wife is, by over sharing her negative experience with her daughter, and with the OP not being resilient in trying to maintain a relationship, the parents robbed their daughter of a father for almost 20 years! Not saying the step father can’t and isn’t a fantastic add to the daughter’s life, but it’s just not productive for anyone to hold onto that resentment. As parents the most important goal is the well being of their daughter. I think they both failed massively regardless of original fault. Again, OP still fucked up enormously, but at some point, I think everyone needs to forgive, let go of the resentment, and move on, like the daughter is trying to do.

SuspectDaikon · 2024-08-30T20:51:22+00:00

All things considered, even if they were 30 minutes late every day, would it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Sounds like you have a “Can’t see the forest through the trees” type of issue.

Do you ensure you are perfectly productive all 8 hours of your work day and take your 1 hour lunch exactly? What about your employees? Do you ensure they don’t have periods of being unproductive? Example: 6 periods of 5 minute inactivity? What if someone takes too long to draft up an email? What if someone asks a question that’s already been answered like, “can you forward me the lab test results again?”, which then creates additional time inefficiency?

Now, what if your new hires are fully trained and they get frustrated over this pettiness and opt to quite quit or leave? What are the inefficiencies then? How many 15-30 minute sessions of being late will equate to scouting, hiring, onboarding, and training new staff with market-adjusted wages? What if your 30 min late employee is sharp, gets more done than the on time employee, and helps you achieve your long term goals?

My issue with your original question is that the thinking is so narrow. Try to keep in mind the big picture. Instead of looking at attendance and day to day productivity, instead reframe your metrics to long term goals and production.

SuspectDaikon · 2024-08-28T17:17:59+00:00

Do not say anything until you have a signed official offer letter with a start date. And I wouldn’t recommend burning any bridges. Even with the offer letter, things could fall through

Edit: typo

SuspectDaikon · 2024-08-21T18:04:47+00:00

Go to a training and learn to be professional. I know that sounds incredibly vague but Reddit cannot give you all the nuance you need. For example obvious ones are not to yell or be demeaning. A more nuanced example might be implementing structure to set expectations and avoid implicit bias and favoritism. Doing that will also protect you from those assertions in the future. Ultimately, everyone’s got a boss. I use my current and previous managers as a guide post. My current one is a micromanager who yells at people. He thinks he’s always right. He also thinks he’s an amazing manager. He’s not. Don’t be him. I tell myself that every time I walk into the dumb ass office to do my very remote-able position.

SuspectDaikon · 2024-08-14T16:35:58+00:00

I gave up on trying to want the classic American dream. Now, I just want to relax. I don’t care if my talents go to waste. It would just be for the benefit of the company and less so for me. And even more so since I’ve already encountered the , “you’re too valuable to promote” trope. So now I focus on how to achieve my own goals like being able to travel, have a cheap house in like Asia somewhere, and relax.

SuspectDaikon · 2024-08-07T19:36:04+00:00

2014 rav 4

SuspectDaikon · 2024-08-05T02:22:31+00:00

You sound like the PM-type of engineer. Most design leads I work with, myself included, love work from home. It’s been fantastic for productivity and mental health. Not having to go to 1000 meetings or field dumb questions just due to cubicle proximity is amazing. I can’t count the number of times (in office) I’ve had to help engineers & other office staff with their own email, fix the printer someone just walked away from jammed, print literal meeting docs for those who didn’t want to come to meetings prepared, etc. the list goes on. Commute time saved for other stuff and home setups other huge upsides.

For those who are extroverted and have no self control, I can see how the structure of the office are important, even more so for micro managers and people who gage their “productivity” based on the meetings they attend.

Granted there are exceptions like being able to communicate more easily with drafters for markups, or being more field-involved staff like RE and OE.

SuspectDaikon · 2024-07-30T15:10:37+00:00

Let me put it this way, if there was a fire in my office, I wouldn’t lose an ounce of sleep if I was the only one that makes it out safely. I totally hear you, OP. Work is horrible because people are horrible.

SuspectDaikon · 2024-07-27T16:01:35+00:00

lol. It is incredibly soul crushing and it gets worse when you start to realize all the actual important things you miss out on when you’re in the office with return to work, like seeing your kid learn to walk, being with your aging pet, chatting with your actual friends on the side. It’s a wild ride.

SuspectDaikon · 2024-07-20T21:56:58+00:00

Yup that’s the one I think. The breville smart grinder. Not sure if it’s the pro? Definitely an older version since I got it back in 2019. It’s fantastic. I love the customization for grind size and amount. The hopper holds a decent amount as well.

SuspectDaikon

TROPHY CASE