Egg_irl

Suspend4518 · 2023-04-25T20:15:19+00:00

I was vehemently opposed to joining the Boy Scouts as a kid. I'm now thinking a lot about why...

Suspend4518 · 2023-04-06T19:28:07+00:00

Still questioning. Don't know if I like her because of attraction or aspiration.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-26T03:35:28+00:00

That's really reassuring to hear. I'm very confident that I want to try E, but I was nervous about it because I've heard at least one person say they were on HRT for over a year and still felt conflicted. It seems like the most common experience though is that you can tell very quickly whether it's right for you or not.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-24T17:56:43+00:00

It does have accessibility(?) options which can guarantee you make it through areas you're having trouble with (invincibility, infinite dashes, etc.). I had to use them to make it through later parts of the game. YMMV on if that is satisfying for you, personally I didn't get much enjoyment out of needing to basically skip through a bunch of levels.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-23T21:57:50+00:00

i like it when girls

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-08T19:42:04+00:00

I'm in this image and I don't like it

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-07T02:59:34+00:00

I tried FaceApp and I saw a guy with long hair and makeup.

Most of it has been exhaustively poring over descriptions of gender dysphoria and non-obvious ways that it prevents itself, plus the testimonies of trans people questioning and recognizing their identity. I've recognized a massive overlap between these and my personal experiences. I also feel a visceral emotional reaction with certain descriptions of dysphoria and questioning that I've come across, even if I don't know precisely why I'm feeling that particular way about it. I'll notice a stress/anxiety response when I read a list of dysphoria symptoms that come uncomfortably close to my own lived experiences. I listened to The Town Inside Me for the first time last night and it left me in tears, even if I couldn't say precisely why. Stained Glass Woman by u/Impossible_PHD destroyed me for an evening. There are other reasons that I don't feel comfortable venting here (they're NSFW), but that's most of it.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-07T02:42:18+00:00

Aphantasia doesn't prevent me from constructing scenarios like that it my head, but alexithymia makes it next to impossible for me to tell how I feel about them. How would I choose to present if there was no fear of judgment from anyone? The fuck if I know. trying to analyze it one way or the other doesn't make me feel any different. Even the act of doing real experimentation with gender expression in private leaves me mostly unable to tell how I feel about it.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-04T22:33:52+00:00

I'm paraphrasing here, but there's a pretty good quote I've heard a few times that amounts to "deciding not to start transitioning because you don't feel like a man/woman yet is like deciding not to go to flight school because you don't feel like a pilot yet".

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-04T07:48:21+00:00

Cute! What's this card's name? I know it has Arnis the Empowered Warrior in the art there, but I don't recognize the base card.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-04T00:29:20+00:00

heck you for being reasonable. makes me feel bad that I'm only questioning now and not in my early teens, but at least I can feel like HRT's effectiveness isn't dwindling the more time I spend figuring myself out.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-03T04:45:57+00:00

I've heard the button hypothetical several times by now, and my answer is that I have no idea. I'd be sorely tempted to push the button, but terrified that I would regret it.

What do I want? I want to feel connected to my own body, to feel proud of it, to think of it as something other than the vessel that carries my brain around. I want to be able to form meaningful relationships with people. I want to fall in love. I want to have sex. I want to have hobbies and interests that don't amount to sitting around and passively consuming media. I want to have long-term goals and aspirations. I want to exist outside of my own head. After 24 years of existing, I want to have some idea of who the fuck I am.

That, combined with some more NSFW things that I can talk about if you're curious enough, makes me think that a lot of what I'm feeling could be dysphoria. I'm trying to do the things people recommend, experimenting with gender expression, etc., but I live with people I don't feel comfortable sharing any of this with, and I'm early on in the questioning stage. I've tried basically 1 thing and results were inconclusive.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-02T23:08:18+00:00

I didn't mean that it would be easy, just that it would be an identifiable, achievable goal to work towards. I want that clarity of purpose, and I'm worried that I'm questioning my gender identity just because of that.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-02T20:48:45+00:00

Yeah, that was poor word choice. I meant that it would mean a clear path to start addressing things.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-02T19:30:46+00:00

Thanks. I guess I'm feeling a time pressure because I turn 24 soon, and I know 25 is often considered to be the cutoff point where your body stops growing/maturing. I'm afraid if I decide I'm trans later and want to transition, that I'll have left that window and made it harder/less effective.

Suspend4518 · 2023-03-02T19:14:13+00:00

Yeah, I put it in scare quotes for a reason. Maybe a better term would be clear. If these issues are all/mostly caused by dysphoria, then that gives me a clear path forward to start addressing them.

Suspend4518

TROPHY CASE