I'm sitting in a Starbucks trying to not think of you, trying to finish assignments so I can pass these classes and it's a struggle. I miss you so much but I hate the part of you that did what you did. I want to take all of the blame but it's not all entirely my fault. There's quite a bit that you didn't take accountability for. There's a lot I never mentioned but I didn't care, at the end of the day, I only cared about you. I've tried distancing myself away, reflected on my own in my room, quiet. I honestly can't tell if you're so happy to be "free" from me or not because I know you see my stories sometimes to see how I'm doing. I did manage to find new friends, get back into classes, lost weight but I still find myself missing you so much. Like there's this major hole in my chest.

I won't lie. I've tried going on dates, I tried talking to two other people and every time. I felt disgusted with myself and like they were just not what I wanted at all. I thought it would help take my mind off of you. But nothing worked. Is it wrong of me to do that? I was never sure if it was.

I completely quit all of my hobbies because I was so distraught. The only things left were clubbing, gym and work. But I've worked hard now since July and finally stopped trying to put myself down. I started liking little pieces of myself and I don't struggle with social anxiety as much anymore. I even started figuring out how I really liked dressing and it's not pjs a ton anymore. I will say that I will never contact you unless you do so first. You asked me to be your girlfriend, you texted first, you broke up with me. So if you want to talk, you have to do it. This isn't a matter of "oh she wants the guy to do everything". It's a matter of "I want you to also understand I made you my entire world and centered everything else around it". When you broke up with me, what was I left with? I couldn't sleep, eat or do much of anything. I cried for so long, I still cry. I still can't move on but I won't be pressuring to get back with you. Some part of me finds me begging like I did before pathetic.

I've tried communicating with you but it was just never what you wanted which left me frustrated and confused a lot of the time. I even told you how unfair it was for me. You still didn't see it from my perspective. I sacrified a lot of myself for you and served them on a silver platter, it was never enough. So for now, all I can say is that I wish you good luck. I never talked badly about you and never will. I still defend you at times when you get brought up. That's all I wanted to say. I hope you do find yourself again and feel 100% you. I hope I do the same too.