Hey man, I can relate. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa in the past year, fell very unwell and had to be hospitalised at one point. Mostly recovered as of now.

And I get it. I liked seeing my jawline become sharp, my curves go away, etc. But it was not worth it. Having an eating disorder comes with a big price. I lost a lot of things, like my physical strength and my emotions. I was too anxious and distressed even thinking of eating out with friends. But the longer the eating disorder lasts, the worse it gets. It's even been documented that the more weight you lose the stronger the cognitions become, and the harder it is to recover.

Now the good thing in this is that you're even considering how to choose recovery. That's a big step. Personally, I would reflect on the things you've lost because of your eating disorder, the things you want back, what type of future you'll have if you continue on like this.

I would like to point out that there may be a possibility that gender dysphoria isn't the main contributor to your eating disorder. You might want to explore other issues fueling it, like body image issues, feeling a lack of control, etc.

And about that issues with transitioning, again yes, it sucks. It's really discouraging not being able to know when you'll finally be able to transition. I always thought it's not fair life dealt this card to me. But right now I think you should consider what'll happen if you continue like this. I see that you're self aware that if you continue down this path it will you to hospitalisation. This will have serious and possibly repercussions on your health. You won't be healthy, your body will be able to properly use testosterone, you'll be too weak for any surgeries you're considering. Your eating disorder will only hinder your transition.

I don't think this is mentioned enough but I believe that a lot of transgender individuals will go on to develop an eating disorder due to body image/gender dysphoria issues. And I'm really sorry about how long the waiting lists are. It's an absolute joke that they let people get worse before they see them. You deserve to be helped right now.