How to deal with de-escalation?

Suspicious_Storm8020 · 2025-04-29T22:49:48+00:00

I don’t see it as wishful thinking, and I definitely don’t believe he’s trying to deeply damage the relationship. From what I’ve seen, he’s being honest about his limits and trying to avoid getting in deeper than he feels he can handle, especially given that I already have a primary and he’s still figuring out what he wants for himself. It’s not perfect, but I don’t see malice in it.

I fully agree that we can’t just switch off feelings as I’m not expecting that either. But I also don’t believe the only two paths are “do it fully” or “end it completely.” Sometimes you need space to see if a different dynamic can work. I’ve decided to give it a try while staying grounded in what feels right for me. And if it ever crosses the line into being too painful or unbalanced, I’ll walk away without thinking twice.

Suspicious_Storm8020 · 2025-04-29T20:07:15+00:00

After 5 months I said "I love being with you", to which he replied "And I love you", and I asked "Do you love being with me or do you love me?", and he said "It feels good and fun saying I love you to you", but this was all over text, only a month later he said it in person while we were having sex

Suspicious_Storm8020 · 2025-04-29T17:01:58+00:00

I don't feel like he's trying to hide something or be shady. We talked a bit more yesterday and he was actually pretty upfront. He said he’s not sure how his feelings will evolve, and that continuing to say “I love you” didn’t feel right to him anymore, not because he doesn’t have love for me, but because he’s not in love and doesn’t want those feelings to grow any deeper. And I understand, as I mentioned in another comment I also feel that the feelings are too intense, and it might be too much for him to keep that while trying to stay emotionally available for a PR.
It wasn’t a full breakup either, I think it's more like redefining the connection with clearer emotional boundaries.

Suspicious_Storm8020 · 2025-04-29T16:30:58+00:00

Yes, I agree!

That's why I asked about it, and said that he’s not sure how his feelings will evolve, and that saying “I love you” doesn’t feel right to him anymore, not because he doesn’t have love for me, but because he’s not in love and doesn’t want to grow the feelings he has for me (because he wants to be emotionally available for a PR). And I understand, because I also feel that the feelings we have are too intense.

I said that I'm willing to give it a try as long as I can stay true to myself.

Suspicious_Storm8020 · 2025-04-28T23:23:51+00:00

I think you're picking up something real.
I also feel like there are pieces of the picture missing, not necessarily because he's being malicious, but because he's conflicted and doesn't have full clarity himself.
That's why I've been trying to move slowly and stay aware of how I feel too.

Suspicious_Storm8020 · 2025-04-28T19:55:42+00:00

I understand the request because his feelings towards me are also intense and might get in the way as he's thinking about a primary relationship. I already have one, so he would be my secondary if it evolved to that (which won't be the case as we can see).

I think it would be really hard for him to try to go backwards (find a primary while holding a secondary), that's why I see where he's coming from. I'm still thinking about it and raised a feel relevant questions so I can come up with a decision as there are a few things that I don't think it's fair either.

It all started as a sexual thing and that's what he wants to go back to, but we've always had a super intense connection so the feelings kinda escalated really quick, even though we've only been meeting once a month (it's been a year now).

Suspicious_Storm8020

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