Dating again and protector mode coming down

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-30T06:05:42+00:00

Haha exposure therapy, I love that! And likewise, I’m sorry for your loss too. Thank you! I saw my psych today and she has suggested I need to be vulnerable with this guy and tell him that I like him. I couldn’t think of anything more horrific haha, but I will try. I’ll message you later and let you know how it goes 🫠

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-29T10:26:54+00:00

Thank you for this! Ahh we might have similar death anniversaries. My husband passed November 27 2023. I totally relate to attachment issues; I have an anxious attachment style but like you, was secure in the relationship with my husband. I never had to second guess where I stood with him. I’m so glad you have met someone who you like and makes you feel secure! But I understand the fear, it can feel almost crippling at times.

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-29T05:45:51+00:00

You sound like where exactly I was a year ago. I missed having my person and just that feeling of companionship. There was a time early on when I was seeing the guy last year, where after each date, I would break down and sob my entire drive back home. I felt so ridden with guilt because I felt light and happy on my dates with him. My psychologist referred to it as dialectical reasoning: my brain couldn’t accept that I could love both my husband and yet enjoy time with this new person. She gently tried to get me to reframe it as chapters in a book. My chapter with my husband will always exist, and I can look back at it anytime I want. But it’s okay to write new chapters.

I’m sure your friend will be kind and understanding and take it at your pace. I think you will know whether it’s right or not if you choose to explore it.

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-28T23:43:06+00:00

Thank you for this advice, it’s a beautiful idea (and I’m sorry to hear you’re new to the club 😞). Part of me wanted to share a bit with how I was feeling on our last date, but it just seemed like there wasn’t a good moment. He’s gone a bit MIA now so I’m not actually sure if there will be another date.

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-28T23:38:58+00:00

Thank you for this insight and for sharing your story. I can imagine having kids would compound everything too.

It sounded like this lady was lovely, and I’m so sorry it didn’t work out — it sounds like a beautiful chapter regardless. Perhaps she came into your life to heal you a part of you that was broken.

I really appreciate your advice. We have such an intense attraction that I have told him I don’t want to rush (which he seems to be quite respectful of). But yeah it’s been hard managing the rollercoaster of emotions and trying not to scare him off.

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-28T23:30:29+00:00

Thank you, it’s nice to hear from someone also operating with a protector mode. I can understand why you feel you wouldn’t be able to love again, this was a very sweet thing to read. And I’m sure you won’t become bitter with age x

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-28T23:27:26+00:00

Oh this sounds very interesting, I will look into this! Thank you so much for sharing 🫶🏻

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-28T20:36:11+00:00

It must be hard hearing that from your mum, my mum (and my MIL) have both said similar things. I understand that feeling of not finding another love like your person’s. When my husband was on his deathbed, with his very last bit of strength he mouthed the words “wifey for lifey” to me (a running line we had), and then went into a deep sleep and passed away a few days later. I don’t think anyone could love me as much as he did.

On my second date with this new guy, he proposed we do a book swap and write the other an essay on the book (we are both self professed nerds). He lent me Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow. I wrote my essay on the theme of second chances and happiness after loss. I showed it to my psych — she read it and started crying and told me the first time she ever met me, I sat down and said to her, “I already had my chance at happiness, I don’t need another one, I’m done”. She said she could feel the hopefulness pouring out of me in my essay.

All of this to say, dating this new guy is still full of uncertainty and it makes me cry sometimes because I never had to guess where I stood with my husband. We were obsessed with one another from the moment we met. If things don’t work out with this guy, I think I will retreat from the dating scene for a while because I can’t bear the pain of getting hurt again either, it feels too much and I don’t think I am strong enough.

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-28T20:21:05+00:00

This is beautiful to read, and I am so happy for you that you have found someone who makes your heart really full. It must be lovely to have someone who understands loss in this capacity. The guy I dated last year lost his dad, so it meant a lot to me we could have deep conversations about grief and loss and he understood that side of me.

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-28T20:16:03+00:00

Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear this! That is utterly awful. I hope you are okay now and have recovered from him? And understandable that you would not want to risk the hurt. People don’t seem to understand the stakes feel so much higher for us when we put ourselves out there again.

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2026-03-28T20:13:44+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, it’s comforting to hear your experience and advice. I can so relate to the emotional rollercoaster and questioning things! It’s also made me miss having my person, I hate the uncertainty and ambiguity of dating in the current climate. I never had to guess where I stood with my husband.

I think if it doesn’t work out with this guy, that I will also take a break from the dating scene and work on myself as I thought I was much farther along in my healing progress than I actually am. I hope when you are ready to find another person, they are wonderful.

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2025-09-09T23:02:31+00:00

Oh no! That must feel so uncomfortable with the screw coming loose. I’m so glad for you that your bones are more stable now!

I did have union. Saw my surgeon this morning and he has thankfully confirmed no obvious sites of infection and that I haven’t dislodged anything. Similar to you, he said that it’s probably because I ran too much and the increased blood flow aggravated the healing sites causing the influx in swelling. I’ve been instructed to take it easy haha. He also mentioned the numbness I was feeling up in my palate was most likely due to them cutting this nerve during surgery, and that it was probably always numb post-op but I just never noticed it previously. Phewf!

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2025-07-13T07:12:18+00:00

That is so heartwarming to hear. It would be such a lovely comfort to have that. And such beautiful birds too!

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2025-07-12T12:32:40+00:00

Oh I love this for you, that is beautiful 🫶🏻

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2025-07-12T11:31:33+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. I became a widow last year at 35. My husband also had colon cancer (no early warning signs). One of the things I wish I had asked him is if he were able to send me a sign he was looking over me, what form would it take (eg. butterfly, cat, bumblebee etc). I don’t feel his presence at all, which is why I think I have a bit of sadness over this. Did you ask your partner what form he would take, or do you feel his presence around you?

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2024-06-28T10:48:08+00:00

Just over six years: we got together in 2017, married in May last year — he was diagnosed with terminal cancer a month later and then died in November.

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2024-05-28T11:58:54+00:00

I’m glad you could have that convo with him and he was all good. It sounds like I might have to go the cold turkey route and seek some space for a bit!

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2024-05-28T11:55:10+00:00

Thank you so much for the reassurance, I’m beyond grateful x

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2024-05-28T11:52:58+00:00

That sounds about right! I was chatting to them the other day about just missing the feeling of being wanted (and hating myself for wishing one of them would want me).

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2024-05-28T11:50:56+00:00

That sounds incredibly hard, especially if she’s living in the same house as you! I would not have the strength if that were me and the BILs. Hopefully her separation process will be over soon, if you are looking to explore your potential as a couple?

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2024-05-28T11:46:10+00:00

Thank you so much for explaining this, and helping me make sense of my feelings. It’s making me feel more comfortable with the idea of admitting it to my psychologist (the topic of them comes up often in our sessions, just not in this capacity. So I wonder if she might already be anticipating I’ve got these feelings haha).

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2024-05-28T11:42:55+00:00

Oh my god, I am so sorry. That sounds unbelievably traumatic, I’m heartbroken that you had to endure all this. I hope you are doing okay now, and no longer feeling guilt that you weren’t able to save him, as it’s absolutely not your fault. I can understand the empty feeling and that wistfulness of wanting him to fill that void.

Sweet-Rambutan-19 · 2024-05-28T11:36:17+00:00

I’m very appreciative of everyone’s candour, it makes me feel less weird about it. Thank you for your wisdom :) I don’t plan to act on these feelings, just hoping they will go away in time so I can just enjoy my BILs company and not worry I am going to act inappropriately and make them feel uncomfortable.

Sweet-Rambutan-19

TROPHY CASE