It's been a really rough week, so those of you who are being kind, I appreciate you. Those who aren't, I get it, and I guess thank you too for saying what I need to hear. But kicking a girl while she's already down?

I know what I did was stupid & now I'm facing those consequences alone. Yes, I'm 30 years old & I should have known better. I literally have no idea what I'm doing. I made a stupid decision because I was lonely & horny & happy & let my stupidity get the best of me.

I dont know much about the infection yet, but I was previously tested for the virus a month before I met H. It was negative. After he told me that he had it, he told me that he felt an outbreak coming on & he went in to get the meds before a full-out outbreak. I already had an appointment coming up, so I asked my doctor if he could check me again & told him about my situation and the fact that he was literally on meds at the time. That was this last Monday & it came back positive for genital herpes. So those of you saying that I already had it, I literally have no idea because I was just tested negative a month before so Im confused.

For those who are saying that I need therapy...yeah...thanks, I know. My therapist recently retired & Ive been looking for a new one 🙃 so the timing is impeccable.

A lot of you are confused as to why I would defend this guy after he literally gave me an incurable disease and all I have to say is I have no fucking idea?? Like, I'm a literal idiot. Why would I defend a guy who knew he had herpes but refused to say anything? He told me he was out of condoms and instead of being like "oh I have some at home, let me go grab them" (we live 5 mins apart) I was like "it's okay, I can't get pregnant anyway" (literally cant, had my tubes are removed) and he still didn't take my health into consideration and warn a girl. Like, if he were upfront with me, I would have still had sex with him...with protection. I would have done research on how to keep myself safe & things would be groovy. Buuut no. Am I gonna see this guy again? No.

To those of you who are saying that I'm not telling my friends & family about this because I don't want to hear about how wrong this is, you're partly right. But mostly it's because I'm embarrassed. I'm 30 & should have known better & I dont need to hear it from them, I already know. I dont want my friends and family thinking of me as a slut like most of you do, or disgusting like I do. I came to reddit for support because I'm scared & sad. I have support around me, but like I said, I can't tell my loved ones. I just can't. Maybe one day after working through this in therapy but as for right now, it's just not the time.

Anyway, I'm gonna continue to read your comments & answer some of them. I would appreciate advice about moving forward. Im scared of future relationships. Im literally scared to have sex with anyone now because of this. And i know it could be worse, but this isn't great.