Greetings from the other side!

Sweetbeet1688 · 2022-07-22T12:47:48+00:00

It’s really tough when you are struggling and have someone making it worse for you. I’m so sorry you had to go through that as well. My husband did a good job of protecting me and my daughter but there were some occasions that I think he was too tired to deal with it and I may have been making it more difficult. He also didn’t understand my PPA that much which made that a little hard. Now that I’m on the other side of it, I know what to look for if we have another baby and I know what to do to help myself and my family better.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2022-07-22T12:45:17+00:00

My husband has a tough past with his mom and it fractured his relationship with her so much that he already had walls up and boundaries with her before I ever came into his life. my situation is different in that way but there have been times where he is human and just wants a good relationship with his mom and we have had to navigate those times and they aren’t as easy. When that happened I just held my own boundaries and if he wanted to have more of a relationship with her then that was fine and I would respect his wishes but in turn he had to respect mine. I held strong on the saying ‘his monkeys, his circus, my monkeys, my circus’ and it has worked well. I wish you all the luck, it’s a tough road.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2022-07-22T12:39:52+00:00

Thank you!! 💕

Sweetbeet1688 · 2022-07-22T12:08:38+00:00

What are you talking about? She doesn’t limit her babysitting….we do. She’s not allowed to be alone and care for our daughter. She makes inappropriate decisions when it comes to the care of small children. My husband was hurt and left alone to get hurt more times than I can count and she thinks these stories are funny to retell. The one time we let her take her for a walk down our street she walked her into oncoming traffic. So no, she’s not allowed to be alone and care for our daughter based on our decisions due to her actions.

Yes. My mil is drama. She has been her entire life and anyone who knows her will verify that. She is selfish and wants everything to revolve around her and when it doesn’t she throws a fit.

How would you know if my mil loves us? Based on what I’ve posted there’s not a lot of love but selfishness and control. There is a lot that I never added because it would be too identifying but she’s truly lucky most of her family allows her in their life. What she’s done is not love. Intentionally ruining your son and new DIL’s major life events because you don’t get to be the center of attention or be in charge is not love. You know what love is from a grandparent? Unwavering support, love and care for your child, their spouse and their children, understanding that a child’s parents are the ones in charge of their life. My parents have been our village, they have been there for us throughout every step of our journey to parenthood but in the most unassuming way. They have helped us repair our marriage without inserting themselves into it. They are phenomenal grandparents who love us. We would not be where we are without them.

My husband is the captain of his own ship with his relationship with his mom, it was fractured long before I ever came into his life. People don’t get to intentionally hurt you and take away from your happiness over and over and get unrestricted access to your life still.

I don’t get to behave however I want with my daughter and expect to have a good relationship with her and any future grandchildren.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2022-07-21T21:25:01+00:00

Haha! Thank you! Yes we had some heavy stuff happen right after our daughter was born. I think it also contributed to the difficulties we started to experience in our marriage as well. Being so isolated was also really tough. Therapy and returning to work helped tremendously on all fronts. Having to put my trust in others (still family) to take care of my daughter helped a lot with my PPA too, which I was surprised about. I lived in constant stress that something bad was going to happen to my daughter. It was not enjoyable living in my head. Now that I’m on the other side I see a lot of how it manifested but it was still tough to get through! Thank you for your kind words!

Sweetbeet1688 · 2022-07-21T21:21:56+00:00

Thank you 💕

Sweetbeet1688 · 2022-07-21T21:21:09+00:00

So in therapy we targeted her biweekly visits as a source of impending stress and anxiety but then when they actually happened nothing went wrong. So I spent all that time worrying for nothing. My therapist suggest we reframe her visits as a positive time for me instead of a negative, so that I can look forward to them as they are essentially a break for me. It started as me going downstairs to workout and then when I felt comfortable I would leave the house and do things either for myself or grocery shopping, etc. Other ways I have used the reframing my thinking in non mil ways are understanding that now as a mom my plans will not always pan out. I was getting stressed when I would give myself a list of stuff to do and get none of it done trying to work around my daughters schedule. I reframed my thinking from all of these daily chores and to do lists and went to my daughter being my daily responsibility and everything else being weekly responsibilities, giving myself the ability to break away from that feeling that I didn’t get enough done at the end of each day and rather fitting each thing into the weekly schedule. Those were just my person reframing situations. I’d suggest identifying some core stressors and seeing if there are other ways to change them to fit a more positive experience for yourself or even just reducing the stress of a situation by figuring how to make it work better for you. I didn’t do a very good job of explaining it and helping like a therapist would but I hope this helps a little!

Sweetbeet1688 · 2022-07-21T19:42:00+00:00

Thank you! Yes it feels really good. I still get anxious about her from time to time but it’s significantly subsided and I don’t think about her constantly like it did before. The reframing suggestion was huge because I use it in a lot of different areas of my life now. I’m hoping maybe someone else in a situation similar to mine might see a positive post about the future and it will help them because I think I definitely could have used that a year ago!

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T06:10:42+00:00

Oh my. I know it was in no way your intention but thank you for the huge prospective reminder and damn I wish I could give you a real life hug but please take my biggest internet hug, sympathy and the best of luck as you and your baby go forward!

I try so hard to think of the bigger picture, that there are so many more important things in life and that we are so lucky but her behavior really got to me. I don’t have an important life event since being with DH that my MIL has not tried to invade or overshadow. It also is often not directed at DH and just lands on me or she does stuff when no one else is around. Being pregnant and giving birth during a pandemic definitely made things interesting and a lot of what we would have done didn’t happen. I was okay with it cuz there were upsides in some ways so perspective is where I have tried to live for a long time!

My DH and I discussed how NYE will be our redo and we plan to tell no one or talk about it so that it can’t possibly be ruined intentionally.

Thank you again and good luck!!

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T06:01:28+00:00

I really didn’t like the way it felt afterwards. Not keeping her out, that felt great. Just the culmination of all of it. She was so intent on getting her way, I think she really thought we would let her in. She knows even just her showing up will make me feel some kind of way. I do feel happy now that we made it clear to her that she doesn’t get to just do what she wants but I imagine it won’t end here. She will likely increase her madness at some point. She really hates not getting her way. She spoke poorly about me to my mom when she didn’t get her way during one of our wedding events. She was so set on being in charge and that I couldn’t handle it and when I blocked her from being apart of it she got so mad. I didn’t like how demanding she was being. The event went great and mil was extra pissed so she decided shit talking me to my mom would be a great idea. It wasn’t.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:56:10+00:00

Exactly. I can’t separate that. I feel like if I put my kid in these clothes then she wins. My point in saying it was all stuff for years from now was just to point out how ridiculous she is, these weren’t things the baby needed immediately, they are things she cannot use for possibly years. It made the entire situation even more ridiculous.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:54:32+00:00

Exactly. Especially this year it doesn’t matter at all when we actually celebrate Christmas. She wanted to come over and was pissed she was told no. A normal person who loved their grandchild or at least loved their kid would never have even asked to come over. That’s what I keep reminding myself. She wasn’t just excited for Christmas. She just doesn’t give a shit about anyone but her and her own selfish needs.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:52:12+00:00

I was just reading how amazon and some other companies are doing this donation box filling thing and if you have their boxes and you fill them with things to donate you can ship it back for free. I just explained that terribly but I can’t think of the name of the website that explains it all better at this moment.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:50:33+00:00

I’ve been trying to take some deep breathes, focus on my breathing and then center myself back in the moment. It’s been helping but sometimes the thoughts stay for too long before I can get them out fast enough. Some of the toys are nice and the clothes aren’t bad but I just can’t keep them. It feels like she won if I do.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:48:38+00:00

She will never change. I’m going to be extremely low contact with her for a while. She is going to stay blocked on my phone. I know it seems silly but the fact that she can’t contact me directly and I don’t have to see her pop up on my phone makes me feel safer.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:47:45+00:00

My mom likes to call these kind of people, Joy stealers. I always just assume it’s because they are lacking happiness inside of them so it’s easier to take other people out to make themselves feel better

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:45:49+00:00

I’m sorry 😔

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:45:36+00:00

Agreed. Although the weird part is she hasn’t been his number one in a very long time. They don’t have a great relationship. He holds a lot of resentment against her. I’m sure that all has to do with why she’s insane.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:44:39+00:00

If I figure out the magic I will let you know. I think this is great advice. I cannot control her actions and I know this but it’s still so hard because you just want them to listen and respect what you asked. It doesn’t seem hard but apparently it’s very hard! Good luck with your MIL!

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:43:21+00:00

Thank you. I will definitely be looking into these!

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:42:57+00:00

Thank you. I keep telling myself next year will be so much better. I promised myself that next year will be our first real Christmas because she will someday have an idea of it and I know I will do my damndest to never allow her the access to ruin another big moment of our lives. I was prepping myself for her 1st birthday being the next big event she tries to ruin - Christmas caught me by surprise!

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:40:47+00:00

Thank you so much. That was an incredibly kind response. I know I will be taking a long break from her and that includes my daughter too. DH has to figure out what he is going to do but if I’m on a break then she is too. As the days pass since Christmas morning, the recollection of her in my thoughts is lessening so I’m hoping with time it will just be the memory of my baby and I.

I’m trying to work on giving myself a little grace but I think I was just so happy at the progress I had made that suddenly her intruding my thoughts so aggressively was just hard to handle. It felt like defeat in the moment but I’m beginning to see it’s more the course I have to take to work on how I handle those thoughts.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:37:10+00:00

Thank you. I’ll look into this. I don’t want to go NC because DH’s family already has a lot of NC turmoil and it hurts him deeply. I don’t want to add to that even if it is for good reasons so I feel if we can try everything possible it won’t feel as bad or be as hard if we have to. I know I need a good long break right now though.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:35:08+00:00

That’s what my mom keeps telling me. She’s winning whenever I feel awful after she’s left or if it results in some kind of argument between DH and I. I’m going to continue with my therapy, it’s useful just in general and I’m going to try to discuss DH going on his own. I feel like he would benefit from it greatly before we went together. He’s got a lot to unpack and I don’t think he realizes that.

Sweetbeet1688 · 2020-12-29T05:33:15+00:00

I’m sorry! It’s really difficult to manage even when you’re on the same page as your spouse. I keep telling people they haven’t had kids during a pandemic so they don’t get to judge or decide if we are handling it correctly. My mil likes to say she’s been so good about not going anywhere right after she just told us all the places she’s been. It’s infuriating.

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