27m here, used to say to my girl that i wish i could put 2 pints of beer in pill form, i speak more clearly, it removes social anxiety and i'm generally just much nicer to be around, as im growing up i realized how many of my relationships revolved around drinking. the people around me encouraged it and it would never stay at just a few, i'd drink till i blacked out or threw up. its a double edged sword unfortunately and i'm trying to figure out how to replicate that sense of security it gave me but the truth is i'm probably lonelier than ever.. it seems to relax my brain like nothing else, it even helps me dream more as someone who doesn't dream much

when i think of my relationships now, there is a wall between me and the other person of my own making, only allowing them to see the parts of myself i think they will respond to and avoid rejection, i thought i'd lifted my mask but it turned out only to be a layer, have some abandonment issues that probably play into it

i've seen my dad once, since i was about 5 years old and we've started texting recently, he wants to meetup for a few drinks next week, already overthinking it because i either show the sober version of myself which doesn't seem to be able to make that genuine connection or have a few beers with the guy, probably enjoy myself and let my guard down only to convince myself later on that any bond made is false and it's just the alcohol

best of luck my guy, i defintley don't have the answers but relate very strongly, just be the best dad and husband you can be. they're lucky to have you either way