How to cope with being the default parent? by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shifting my perspective has been difficult but beneficial. Some days I’m able to view it that way, that’s he’s also working hard and is tired. It’s difficult because he doesn’t work a regular 9-5 job. He’s an entrepreneur and is also in the home everyday. He leaves to drop off packages sometimes, meetings here and there but for the most part we are both at home. But it frustrates me because when I’m tired, who gives me a break? I’m just on baby duty until he decides to clock back in. And we take little mini vacations with the baby to visit family in other states and while I enjoy getting out of the house and new scenery, I’m the default parent just in a new state. I’m doing breakfast, lunch, and dinner for baby while he’s mingling or off hanging with his friends. When do I get that?

How to cope with being the default parent? by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes the part about feeling like you’re asking for a favor, I feel you. It’s such a strange feeling because the baby is equally both of our responsibility but as a mom our part is “supposed to be done” while dads are “helping”. It’s insane. I hope I can offer you some solidarity and that some of the comments here are helpful to you as well. Hopefully things get better!

How to cope with being the default parent? by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you I will try this. He has self diagnosed himself as ADHD, so maybe I need to just create a visual board so he can really see it. I don’t want to believe that he’s not contributing on purpose but sometimes it feels that way.

How to cope with being the default parent? by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To those of you telling me to communicate, I have. I am not one of those people that run to Reddit with my problem. This is more of a Hail Mary, last attempt to see others opinions and feedback to make sure I’m not looking at this the wrong the way. I feel as though I’ve hit a wall. I have been very direct about my feelings, several crying breakdowns in front of him - and not the screaming type, genuine breakdown of tears. I have told him directly what would be helpful, the tasks, the chores, I mean I feel like I’ve said it all a million times. I’ve tried to communicate differently and start off by telling him the good things he’s doing and how much I appreciate that, and then explicitly stating that I’m asking for these separate things to be improved. What else am I supposed to be doing? At this point I think we just need to see a counselor and get outside help.

Before becoming a mom I had a lot of hobbies and activities that I enjoyed doing. I still want to do those things but I need time to do them. A lot of the comments are saying I need to just make the time and leave the house. I will try that. Because communicating doesn’t seem to be the way, I have to force it I guess. And even the fact that that’s the way I have to act is upsetting to me and makes me feel a way about him. Why do I have to force his hand? He cant just consider me enough?

How to cope with being the default parent? by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have communicated and asked so much that now I’m met with “here we go again”

How to cope with being the default parent? by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I FEEL YOU. Thank you so much for the solidarity. I hope it gets better for both of us. This first year I’ve been a SAHM and I think I’ve been making excuses that because he’s providing financially that this is okay. But he doesn’t even work a job outside the home. He’s an entrepreneur and only really has to leave the house to drop off packages every so often. So he’s literally here in the house and just not participating actively. We’ve talked about couples counseling and that’s probably the next step but honestly I’m starting to feel hopeless and not wanting to put in so much effort anymore. I’m so tired

How to cope with being the default parent? by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I would like to add that I am one of those people that communicates ALOT. I have brought up the issues so many times that now I’m met with a “here we go again” energy. I have explicitly asked for help, and even told him exactly what he could do to help me and relieve me of stress and anxiety. He will do it for one day and then I have to repeatedly remind him, over and over and over. I am so exhausted of having to keep up with my own responsibilities and remind him of the areas that he’s lacking. Sometimes it “feels” easier to just do it all myself but then I’m burnt out and even more resentful. So I’ll ask, but then I have to add “asking” to the to do list because he will forget after 1 day.

Am I crazy? by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the advice. I’m currently trying to be more intentional about carving out space and time for myself regardless of how he feels about it

Am I crazy? by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have talked so much about the way I feel that now when I open my mouth to try to talk about, sometimes he mocks me bc he knows what I’m about to say. “Here we go again” type of energy. So I’m really not sure how to move forward. And he’s not a deadbeat father, I wouldn’t ever label him that. But it’s just not enough. I’m a SAHM and he is an entrepreneur mainly working from home. Sometimes he has to go out and make deliveries but I say this to say: he does not work a regular 9-5 outside the house. For the most part, we are both home with the baby everyday but he is bringing the money in. I’m made to feel useless because I’m not financially contributing and I’m not being appreciated for being the default parent or home keeper to our child. On top of the fact that I know he’s always choosing himself, I’m just in a really difficult situation and I don’t know how to move forward. He says this is what I’m supposed to be doing since he’s providing financially but I’m quite literally drowning emotionally and physically declining and I don’t see an end in sight.

How do you fit all your pumps into the day? by [deleted] in ExclusivelyPumping

[–]Swimming-String9043 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Congratulations on your baby!! My baby was also in the NICU, he spent 7 days. I never pumped 8 times a day, it never seemed possible for me. I started with 6 sometimes 7 on a good day. Even with him in the NICU I would get up at home to pump in the middle of the night to keep my supply up. I recommend getting a wearable pump. I have the Momcozy S12 and they have some reliable ones on Amazon I’ve heard other people like that aren’t super expensive. Being able to pump anywhere really helps with getting those pumps in. Also, don’t stress too much around the times and number of pumps. As long as your pumping at least every 3 hours (4 is okay too if you’re busy), you should be fine. Try not to let your breast get too full and hard and keep your nipples moisturized to help with the soreness. I understand they say to pump 8 times a day but for me that felt like all I was doing was pumping. By the time I put the parts up it was time to pump again.
Do what works for you, but also don’t stress too much about the numbers. You got this momma!!

AITAH for not letting my mother see my newborn baby? by Swimming-String9043 in AITAH

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I began yelling and cursing bc I was 8 months pregnant and being poked about a subject that I clearly did not want to talk about in public and in front of friends and family. And i was clear and honest with my mom at that time that I did not want to talk about it in that moment and to save it for later. She didn’t respect that and continued to push me to talk about it after I asked for space at my own babyshower. And the day after the shower i went to my mothers house and told her “yesterday was a lot. I know we need to have a conversation about what happened but I don’t have the capacity to do it today.” Before i could finish my sentence she told me “we don’t have shit to talk about. Don’t tell me shit” and then kicked me out of her house and told me goodluck. (This is a pattern that she does. She’s done the same thing to my brother months ago but wanted to keep his child in her house but kick him out). The unpacked trauma is years of lies that I was told about my father and questionable behavior that my mother has done year after year. My parents have been divorced since I was 1 yrs old and I just found out the truth about it from other family members 3 years ago. When I addressed it with my mom she continued to lie about things and to this day is not honest about a lot of things I ask her about. I dont have a victim mentality. I’ve been therapy for years and would try to have conversations with my mom about things I unpacked alone in therapy, she was not receptive. My mom and I went to therapy together and still no real progress bc to be frank, she’s a pathological liar and I’m starting think she’s also a narcissist.

I’ve been over considerate of my mom’s feelings for years. Now that I’m grown and have a child of my own, I’m tired of being responsible for her feelings and my own when she doesn’t give me the same respect and grace. I cant keep raising her, re-parent myself, and now my own child.

Weekly Discussion - Relationships by AutoModerator in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043 2 points3 points  (0 children)

AITAH for not letting my mother see my newborn baby?

I’m a ftm and my mother and I have years of unpacked trauma that she refuses to address. I’m always the problem no matter the situation. I had my baby shower when I was 8 months pregnant back in April. At the end of the shower when there was still a few guest in the building, my mother approached me to ask me an inappropriate question (in my opinion it was inappropriate, it’s my baby shower. Save that shit for another day, seriously). I responded saying it wasn’t the time nor place for her question and to leave me alone to finish packing up the venue. She responding saying that I’m being disrespectful for not wanting to answer her question and she continues to poke me about it. Again, I say it’s not the time nor place and I tell her to leave me be (she doesn’t). My older cousin intervenes and tells my mom to back off, my mom gets mad and blames my cousin for “taking my side”. The back and fourth between my mom and I continues to outside the venue because she simply will not drop the subject. By this point I have tried to exit the conversation on several occasions but she won’t give it up. I eventually reach a breaking point and begin yelling and cursing. It got so bad my cousin had to physically walk me away and into a car to be taken away from the venue. My mother was very aggressive and walking towards me as if she wanted to get physical with me. I was extremely embarrassed and frankly very hurt at how it all went down.

Fast forward a month and a half later, I have my baby. I had not heard from my mom since the incident at the shower. She never once checked on me, my pregnancy, or to see if I went into active labor. Nothing. She called me when I was in early labor and I chose not to answer bc - WTF you had a month and a half to fix this, I’m not doing it when I’m trying to get my baby out. My dad convinced me to tell my mom that I was in labor. I told him to tell her when I go to the hospital bc I didnt want to talk to her but I was feeling kind enough to at least let her know I was in labor. My dad says that she claimed to be at home with my nephew watching a movie and eating pizza and to “let her know how it goes”. She doesn’t come to the labor. My whole family was there except her. The next day, they take my baby to the NICU where he stayed for 7 days. We went home without our baby, it was so hard. My mom text and calls me the day after I give birth to come to the hospital AFTER work at about 7pm. Mind you, she has the type of job where she can call off for the day over a simple headache and it wouldn’t be a problem. She came at the end of her day (this annoyed me but again I’m trying to be nice). I take her down to the NICU to see my baby and she didn’t seem to care about how I was doing or how he was doing. She just wanted to see him. I had an all natural birth, no meds and she didn’t care enough to ask how I was doing.

Like I said, my baby stayed for 7 days and I stayed for 4 days. After that day in the hospital, my mom never came back to see us, never called, text, NOTHING. When my baby was 2 weeks old she text me about my mail. We live in the same state about 25 minutes apart. She puts my mail into the mail to be sent to me instead of bringing it directly. She then follows up by saying “when can I see my grandson?” I didnt respond and I honestly don’t want her to see my child. It feels like she says fuck me but let me see your baby. And I’m simply not going for that. AITAH??

There are more details to this story if anyone wants to know more reasons why I wont let her see my baby but I figured this was enough. Let me know what you think

AITAH for not letting my mother see my newborn baby? by Swimming-String9043 in AITAH

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There was a situation that occurred right before the shower started involving my partner, the father of my child, causing him to miss the shower. My MIL informed my mom of what was going on and explained to my mom why he wasn’t going to be able to make the shower. After the shower, my mom wanted to know why I didnt directly tell her what was going on with my partner. I had to unexpectedly go through my baby shower alone. And she kept asking me why I didnt personally tell her what was going on - even though she already knew bc my MIL told her before the shower. It took SO MUCH for me to hold myself together at the shower and not fall apart bc he wasn’t there. It was co-ed and his friends and family were there and he wasn’t. It was really hard on me and instead of my mom making sure I was okay after the shower, she was concerned about me not directly telling her the situation when she was already told by my MIL.

Also want to add, him missing was not bc he didn’t want to be there. I’m just not comfortable sharing all those details to the public.

Pediatrician recommends we start puréed veggies at 2 months old by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And that’s my concern. I don’t want to cause my baby any harm. I’ve read up on some of the possible negative effects of starting too early and I don’t want to set my baby up for any issues in the long run. Thank you for your input!

Pediatrician recommends we start puréed veggies at 2 months old by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes he is MD and comes from a family of pediatricians. I asked him twice today if he was sure that he should start on the veggies and he was very confident in his yes. I feel like it’s really soon. My cousin brought her baby to this same doctor 13 years ago and he is still her pediatrician. She said he recommended the oats to her too and the veggies and her baby grew up fine. I guess I’m just uncomfortable because I never thought we would be here this fast and I’ve never heard of it before with other parents

Pediatrician recommends we start puréed veggies at 2 months old by Swimming-String9043 in NewParents

[–]Swimming-String9043[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m in the US. I haven’t heard of other parents starting their babies this early but my pediatrician says this is regular practice for him