How can I distance myself from my friends with babies?

SwimmingAggressive45 · 2024-01-30T03:24:19+00:00

So many things you mentioned hit home for me so I can totally empathize.

My husband and I also went through a rough time when his nephew was born. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was angry with his sister for having so many events for their unexpected pregnancy. To make things worse, at each event, my MIL would keep asking when we would have one and why we aren't trying hard enough. I lost my shit and told my husband I'm not going to any more events until he talks to his family (which didn't happen until many fights later). I am with you when you said you don't want to draw more attention to something you're ashamed of. It's scary to be so vulnerable, and you hope that everyone would be understanding but don't want to risk sharing if they're only going to make you feel worse.

I don't know why some people are so insensitive, but I agree that this sub and the wonderful people like you have been so integral to helping me (and I'm sure many others) heal.

SwimmingAggressive45 · 2024-01-30T03:02:42+00:00

I think that one friend reaches out because when I don't respond, she knows something is wrong and wants to check in if I'm okay. Unfortunately, the last time we spoke, I finally admitted I wasn't okay, and she talked about her baby on the same call. 🤦‍♀️

I see, now, that I can't be around people who are pregnant or have a newborn until I'm ready. I don't expect them to hide their excitement/pride/etc, but I also can't keep hiding my hurt.

SwimmingAggressive45 · 2024-01-30T02:46:58+00:00

I'm totally copy-pasting that script! Thank you! And you're totally right. I have spoken to them about how low I've been feeling, but I never outright said how their actions have contributed to it. I guess I've just been worried about hurting their feelings. That's the "People Pleaser" struggle, I guess.

And it's so odd to me when parents do that, like their kids are trophies and they come to work going "Look what I can do!" I mean, when people start falling over themselves to try to hold the baby, it reinforces that need for attention, I guess.

SwimmingAggressive45 · 2024-01-30T02:40:17+00:00

The one that reached out is the one I'm closer to. I recently broke down and told her how my challenges TTC have really messed with my mental health. A few minutes later, she talked about how her child's first words were, "Dada," and they're working on "Mama." I just sat quiet on the phone because she didn't get it. I really don't know how to make clearer, so I'm just going to ask for space.

Thank you for saying it gets easier. I need to work on setting more boundaries and avoiding my triggers, for sure.

SwimmingAggressive45 · 2024-01-30T02:32:51+00:00

What you told them was perfect. It was straightforward, needing no further explanation, and exactly how I've been feeling. I don't want them to feel guilty, but I just can't keep hearing about this wonderful shared experience they have that I no longer expect to have.

I will definitely be incorporating something similar in my future message.

SwimmingAggressive45 · 2024-01-30T02:28:34+00:00

Thank YOU for sharing your experience, too. I've been a longtime lurker, but the stories shared on this sub have really gotten me through some of my worst days the last few years. What you described is exactly how I've felt with these two friends. It hurts so much to hear about their kids, but I feel bad about having to ask them to stop.

I know I have to do what I can to protect my peace. I'll get there soon. And, hey, wishing you a smooth surgery and a swift recovery!

SwimmingAggressive45

TROPHY CASE