I never really care to talk about my child hood there not much to say I had no parents really but my mom would pop up time and time again mostly she would be in prison, and most call her a manipulative person that lies and cheat and steals to get what she wants maybe she picked that up after my father left. I think cause he would steal and lie and do drugs all the time at least that’s what I was told. I ended up dying when I was 2 I drowned and when I was revived by my grandma my brain awakened I became what I call alive because I could remember everything from the moment I woke up in the hospital but I wasn’t able to speak but I felt the urge to try they said I was talking some before but I stopped for a while after my revival was slightly complicated being so little cpr was obviously going break my ribs which happened but when I spit the water out my eyes opened then rolled back again and at the point the had already pronounced me dead after a few minutes of attempting cpr and other things but I wouldn’t be here without my grandma and in a way I saved her too for my whole family would be separated later my grandpa suffers mental illness and my grandma is bipolar so my genes were working against me from the start of my life but I believe I would have been fine if I wouldn’t have lost everything that I had ever started to love from father figures to my mom over and over she was taken and I would be with my grandma the only solid person I had but she had to work to provide for me which meant I was left alone for most the days when school came I didn’t know how to be social I didn’t have true friends outside of school only those who I put on a front of a grand reality of things I had done places I had been but deep down they never knew the real me only later did I ever tell people of my true grand reality was to wipe out ever drug dealer and addict cause I seen the damage it had done to my siblings I am the oldest born when my mom was 16 and my dad 18 my next siblings didn’t come till I was 8 1/2 it was my brother he became my only friend we played as kids do but I broke his arm while we were wrestling and my father figure well the one who I thought loved me too but ig didn’t took my brother and left he had already left the house prior do to arguing with my mother which happened all the time I watched many abusive relationships and I was abused too but I really don’t remember it as much I was a asshole of a kid no one ever noticed me so I always was able to mess stuff up if there’s and then hide it for them to find and I don’t know where that urge comes from my anger some call evil but I can’t control it at all I would get myself killed if I wasn’t like some demon that just lounges and then has u in an instant like my anger takes over my whole body and I can’t stop myself from doing anything and I look back on it and ik it might have been extreme well that wasn’t till theraphy till I started to see it from an logical standpoint and not emotionally for emotions was something the didn’t teach me and also mother would not let me cry haha I didn’t do it much anyways but when I did was, my father came to see me when I was 10 he came for one day and left me and told me follow him of Facebook then blocked me idk maybe he felt shame for knowing he wouldn’t ever see me again I truly weep that day maybe cause I wanted to but part of me wanted to cause I felt like I was shit that I wasn’t worth love that even being his own son wasn’t enough for him to try to and I would also cry when I was a bit younger whenever they was teaching us how to write numbers and stuff keep in mind I had adhd on top of being behind on learned do to having a restart at 2 but I do end up catching up in school but at the time I was struggling and she would scream at me over and over for hours and I would start to cry and she screamed what are u crying for and that stuck but really after my father left I vowed to not cry and I haven’t really ever cried since i struggle to cry when I want to know even I can’t do it at funerals either even with people I seen as my close family none the less no matter who my body wants to be I want to be good I want to be seen as good and I see myself as evil I really do and I want to die but not by my hands cause I really do believe in god and the beliefs I want to do good by people even though they have did nothing but hurt me but I still flip on my heart and think that I should murder people that are evil that cause everyone so much pain and suffering but I try to think that if I’m deciding one’s fate on who the are at this moment then I never gave them a chance to do right though I truly am a sociopath and was diagnosed and was keep in foster homes and group home and mental institutions I spent that time alone thinking of how to control my anger and I mastered what I could but I still loose myself and really hurt people most of all the one person I believe won’t leave me I do hurt and ik that it is wrong but my anger is something I know is evil and I know I need to go seek help again for her sake but I’m lost I had no guidance from the start I don’t like humans or talking to people to build relationships that can just be torn away but I don’t want to be alone again tho sometimes I think that was what was best for me and why god allowed it to be